MissThinking Chapter

"I think, therefore I am." - Rene Descartes.

As a person thinks, so they believe and behave. Unfortunately for MissLed women, their propensity for faulty thinking and excessive emotionality often trumps rational thought.

MissLed women too often don't comprehend that, as human beings, they are not, by nature, rational animals. In order for them to thrive in the modern dynamic society, effective habits of rational thinking must be learned and practiced. Wisdom and logic must also be pursued and granted their proper place, along with emotion and intuition. Many MissLed women, however, choose to govern their lives not by reason, but, instead, prefer to trust their feelings and intuitive thinking. Often, they are "supported" in their MissThinking mindset by "friends." These influential, often imprudent peers convey and reinforce irrational thinking, emotional reasoning and the primacy and reliability of their intuitive thinking. Indeed, with their strong desire for social acceptance, MissLed women are especially prone to such peer reinforcement of irrational thinking.

In fact, several recent books have raised the alarm with regard to the current state of thinking in America. Lisa Bloom's "Th!nk: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World" specifically urges women to reclaim their brains, regain their focus and take charge of their lives. Although targeted at both women and men, Daniel Kanheman's "Thinking, Fast and Slow" and Michael R. LeGault's "Think!: Why Crucial Decisions Can't Be Made in the Blink of an Eye" also strive to encourage their readers to improve the way that they think, not only about thinking, but how they live their lives.

Of course, the unfortunate truth is that most people don't read such books - particularly MissLed women. Consequently, emotionality and irrationality often lead them away from reason, and, instead they mislead them toward the wrong type of "In" crowd:

Inane Communications (lack of sense, significance, or ideas; silliness)

Ineffective Argumentation

Infantile Behaviors

Inexplicable Beliefs

Insufficient Critical Thinking Skills

Inundated with fallacious reasoning, unrealistic expectations, belief in quackery, snake oil and pseudoscientific concepts and products.

Indeed, 3 crucial arenas of adult life are severely damaged by MissThinking:

Decision-making

Learning

Problem-Solving

 Some examples of significant results of frequent MissThinking by MissLed women include:

Take offense or become angry about a situation that has not yet occurred.

Express emotions exaggeratedly (such as crying hysterically).

Maintain unrealistic expectations.

Engage in irresponsible conduct such as financial irresponsibility or public intoxication.

Fall prey to unproven medical quackery, superstition, or unethical marketing tactics.

Uncritical belief in supernatural, paranormal, or pseudoscientific phenomena.

Today's increasingly harried pace of work and life serves to further compound the challenges many MissLed women have with rational thinking. They perceive or claim that they lack sufficient time to calmly reflect and properly ponder their decisions. Because they succumb to time pressures, their critical thinking, decision-making and problem-solving abilities suffer from insufficient focus and development. This is tremendously unfortunate, as these are skills essential for emotional regulation:

"These skills hinge on reflection, inner intellectual processes that include evaluating the relevance and validity of information, probing for more information where needed, analyzing and marshaling evidence, developing hypotheses, making reasoned judgments, assessing ambiguity, constructing arguments to persuade others (and ourselves), formulating inferences, calculating likelihoods, envisioning alternative strategies, generating new ideas. These are absolutely essential for analyzing problems and identifying solutions." Hara Estroff Marano, "A Nation of Wimps,"(NY: Broadway Books, 2008) 165.

 For MissLed women, such skills are not usually emphasized to them when they are girls. Hence, they can't become the ingrained virtues that are invaluable to bring into adulthood. As a result, neither reflection, nor contemplation  - both of which are critical habits for the development of emotional regulation - is prioritized:

"Reflection is not promoted, or even valued, in their goal-directed, achievement-oriented young lives." Hara Estroff Marano, "A Nation of Wimps," (NY: Broadway Books, 2008) 166.

"Contemplation...demands and builds the ability to regulate one's emotions so as to not get sidetracked by them - the ability to tolerate internal states." Hara Estroff Marano, "A Nation of Wimps," (NY: Broadway Books, 2008) 166.

Irrational Inferences are some of the most damaging results from irrational thinking. Such inferences often flow from MissLed women's faulty or emotionally polluted thinking and follow "distortions of reality." Some current societal factors that help explain why so many MissLed women succumb to Irrational inferences include:

Increasing emotional or physical stress

The rapid introduction of new or unique situations (constant, rapid change)

Mainstreaming (or glorification, in some cases) of binge drinking and the rising acceptance of public drunkenness of women

 Irrational Inferences include:

Black-and-white thinking: (also known as Polarized thinking: Good vs. bad, success vs. failure, right vs. wrong, moral vs. immoral). When MissLed women misperceive things in extremes. There is no middle ground. Therein, they think of things in absolute terms. Words that typify black-and-white thinking include "always," "every," and "never."

"We are either a saint or the devil, excellent at what we do or incompetent. All or nothing thinking is a weak foundation for our sense of identity and makes us vulnerable to every little criticism." Tom Butler Bowdon, "50 Psychology Classics," (NY: MJF Books, 2007) 276.

"Polarized thinking speaks to inaccurate absolutes - right or wrong, all or nothing. Relationships are either catastrophic or amenable, with nothing in between...Polarized thinkers tend to think in terms of always or never, disappointing or gratifying, and loving or hating." Lee Raffel, "I Hate Conflict," (NY: McGraw-Hill, 2008) 164.

Filtering: Exclusive focus on certain aspects of something which are usually negative or upsetting. Often this includes being associated in negative ("I am so stupid!"). Less often, it can include being dissociated in positive ("You have to be pretty smart to do my job.") MissLed women who filter irrationally tend to see only what is wrong with themselves or the world, while they ignore any positives. For example, they selectively hear the one tiny negative thing, yet they are surrounded by very positive things.

Mind-Reading: MissLed women's presumptions or guesses (often highly inaccurate) with regard to what other people are thinking. They assume the worst about what other people think about them. This includes both their words and their actions. For example, "She ignored me on purpose" or "He's mad at me."

Fortune-Telling: MissLed women's beliefs with regard to the future that include a fixed destiny. Such beliefs are biased (often pessimistic) expectations or predictions. Two examples: "I'll be depressed forever," or "Things can only get worse."

Emotional Reasoning: MissLed women believe that what they are feeling is true regardless of any evidence presented. Their reasoning is skewed toward irrationality because it is clouded by their emotions. The basic, misguided assumption behind such emotional reasoning is "Where there's smoke, there's fire." Not surprisingly, emotional reasoning steers them wrong because, quite often, smoke is not firm evidence of fire. All too often, MissLed women who allow themselves to get caught up in emotional reasoning tend to be partially or completely blinded to the difference between feelings and facts.

 Labeling and Mislabeling: Related to overgeneralization, it is MissLed women's attempt to irrationally explain a person or situations by mere naming. Rather than describing the specific behavior, they assign a label to themselves or someone else. The label is in both absolute and unalterable, negative terms. It is a faulty logical leap from behavior/action ("He called me a name") to identity (therefore, he's a "jerk."). Indeed, labeling can damage relationships:

"Labeling is damaging because we're risking someone believing the label as an indictment of her personhood, her being, rather than her behavior." Shasta Nelson, "Friendships Don't Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends," (Nashville, TN: Turner Publishing Company, 2013) 201.

Disqualifying the Positive: Continually "shooting down" positive experiences for arbitrary, ad hoc reasons. MissLed women who disqualify the positive can't discuss a subject rationally because they use a double standard. Positive evidence, no matter how strong or persuasive, is discounted.

Personalization and Blame: This is known as "the mother of guilt." For MissLed women, personalization occurs when they hold themselves personally responsible for an event that isn't entirely under their control. This leads to unnecessary guilt, shame and feelings of inadequacy. Blame, on the other hand, is the flip side of personalization, and leads MissLed women astray, and away from responsibility and self-examination:

"Aside from shifting responsibility, blame is used as a way of avoiding self-examination." Joel D. Block, Ph.D., "Friendship: How to Give It, How to Get It,"(NY: MacMillan, 1980) 189.

Some MissLed women irrationally blame others or their circumstances for their problems. Indeed, blamers overlook ways that they might be contributing to the problem: "The reason my marriage is so lousy is because my husband is totally unreasonable." Behind this cognitive distortion lies the assumption that if anything goes wrong, it must be somebody's fault. There are no mistakes, only crimes against blaming MissLed women. For them, the "criminals" must be found and punished. Indeed, unhappy MissLed women tend to misplace blame for their romantic relationship failures and sexual disappointments on others:

"For most of us, blaming others is more common that we realize. This is especially true when it comes to sex and romance." Laura Berman, Ph.D., "It's Not Him, It's You!: How to Take Charge of Your Life and Create the Love and Intimacy You Deserve," (NY: DK Publishing, 2010) 10.

"When you are unhappy, it is easy to slip into blaming behavior, accusing your partner of not being understanding or romantic enough...It's much easier (and safer) to sit around blaming other people for your problems." Laura Berman, Ph. D., "It's Not Him, It's You!: How to Take Charge of Your Life and Create the Love and Intimacy You Deserve, (NY: DK Publishing, 2010) 14.

 

Why Do Irrational Inferences Matter?

Irrational inferences tend to impair MissLed women to the point that they misperceive reality because they experience it through a highly distorted lens. (They often badly misinterpret what is actually happening.) Too often, irrational inferences lead to emotional extremes, which result in unrealistic and illogical decisions and actions. They can even lead to behaviors that harm themselves, others and their lives in general.

  

Emotional Thinking is not just the positive emotions of love, compassion and empathy.

In truth, it can be MissThinking - resulting in unpleasant, even toxic emotions and attitudes. Entitlement, Resentment, Anger, Superiority, Pettiness, Sarcasm, Victim Identity, and Enmity are the Emotional Pollutants involved in emotional MissThinking. Such Emotional Pollutants are transmitted overtly by MissLed women's body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. They are also shown covertly - by their words and behavior. Ironically, the negative impact of the more subtle forms of MissLed women's emotional pollution is nearly as great as the more dramatic forms.

Entitlement: This emotional pollutant has become quite common among MissLed women. Entitlement is demonstrated when they react negatively when they see people they perceive to be in their way, or when they behave as if they deserve special treatment or consideration. The entitled expect to cut in front of the line, talk loudly wherever they want, drive at any speed they like, and say and do practically anything with impunity. When they assert that their rights are more important than others' in essence, they imply that others don't matter. Entitled emotional polluters often feel put upon by what they misperceive as the world's unfairness. They have a misguided idea that there's a general insensitivity to their needs. Their standards are grossly inflated - both of what they should receive and what other people should do for them. Not surprisingly, they feel chronically disappointed and offended. From their myopic, entitled perspectives, compensation is expected for their constant frustrations. Here are two typical examples of how an entitled MissLed woman expresses the emotional pollutant of entitlement:

"It's so hard being me, I shouldn't have to wait in line, too!"

"I'm the woman; you have to support me!"

Resentment: The most common emotional pollutant, MissLed women's resentment is based on their biased misperception of unfairness. This pollution normally rears its head when MissLed women don't receive the help, appreciation, consideration, praise, reward, respect, or affection they feel they deserve. It is certainly one of the most unpleasant emotional pollutants for people to be near. Resentful MissLed women are quite caught up with their "rights" and with the imagined "wrongs" allegedly done to them. This leaves them so locked into their own perspectives that they often become extremely insensitive to the rights and perspectives of others.

Anger: By far, the most contagious of all emotional pollutants. Angry MissLed women scan the environment for evidence of threat or aggression. They quickly react to it - often before they are even consciously aware of it. In other words, they'll be defensive and angry (or afraid) in response to a real or imagined slight - before they even know it.

Superiority: This is the implication, through body language or tone of voice, that MissLed women perceive or portray themselves as better than someone else. These emotional polluters feel this way because they need to feel better than someone else in order to feel good about themselves:

"Someone has to be in the bottom half of the curve; we cannot all be in the positive tail in of the distribution. We can, however, all believe that we are at the high end of most positive attributes. This illusion is known as the Superiority Illusion or the Superiority Bias...We are quite confident that we are more interesting, attractive, friendly and successful than the average person." Tali Sharot, "The Optimism Bias: A Tour of the Irrationally Positive Brain," (NY: Vintage Books, 2012) 15.

Genuine self-esteem, however, is a virtually unachievable goal for those who need to feel superior. No matter what criterion they use to determine their superiority, they will always find people with more of it. Inevitably, they'll meet those who are smarter, wealthier, more powerful, better looking, or more popular. (Slightly less toxic, though no less pleasant, examples of this form of emotional pollution are displays of arrogance and self-righteousness.)

 

Pettiness: Petty MissLed women tend to make a mountain out of a mole- hill. They over-focus on one small, negative aspect of a situation. Little or no attempt is made to see the bigger picture. When they confront others with their petty attitudes or behaviors, it is an attempt to make them feel reduced, or to feel as if nothing they have ever done right matters. Their pettiness is usually a function of resentment; for MissLed women who feel resentful, nothing is too petty to resent. Sarcasm: This comes in many forms. Sometimes it’s MissLed women’s poorly-timed humor - saying the wrong thing in the wrong context. In other instances, it’s innocently insensitive, with no intention to hurt or offend. Most often, though, MissLed women’s sarcasm is hostile. Their sarcasm is usually meant to devalue. Their purpose is to undermine any opinion or perspective that they do not agree with, or to shake another’s confidence. This serves as a temporary gain for their ego, or as a strategic advantage. Sarcastic MissLed women tend to be particularly skilled at impression management. They al- ways strive to sound smart or witty. By doing so, they often desire to be ad- mired rather than liked. Yet, their tone is diminishing and tends to indicate disagreement or displeasure:

 

“We often use sarcasm as a way of communicating contempt or disagreement with something that someone is doing, thinking or proposing. Sarcasm is a veiled and vague attempt to show disagreement or displeasure.” John Stoker, “Overcoming Fake Talk: How to Hold REAL Conversations that Create Respect, Build Relationships, and Get Results,” (Springfield, UT: Light Storm Consulting, 2013) 161.

 

Victim Identity: “He makes me...” “She did ______ to me.” Those are the words of MissLed women who have a polluted victim identity. Too often, they are easily prone to feel defensive, diminished, distrusted, manipulated, or used. Any personal responsibility for regulating how they feel (such as cheering themselves up when they’re down and calming themselves when they’re upset) is abdicated through their chronic blaming. “I feel bad and it’s your fault” is a perfect example of how a person with this mindset speaks. The pollution element of victim identity is also found in its air of entitlement, along with its built-in revenge motive. They demand vengeance - to see the perceived offender punished. Self-defined victims attempt to seize and hold the moral high ground. In that rarefied air, even objective arguments and common sense are dismissed as “mean” or denounced as “blaming the victim.” MissLed women with a victim identity, therefore, have little prospect for any profound growth or healing. Their attitudes announce loudly: “What others have done to me is more important than who I am as a person.” For them, self-worth is measured by the never-quite adequate apologies of others or the degree of “validation” they receive.

 

Enmity: This is MissLed women’s feeling or condition of hostility, hatred, ill-will, animosity, or antagonism. Typically, their enmity is expressed as a rejection or put-down. Not surprisingly, others tend to perceive MissLed women’s enmity as a casual disregard for them. Since the core hurts, regret or remorse that trigger their emotional enmity remain unknown to the target, MissLed women receive no compassion or sympathy for their plight. As a result, these types of emotional polluters can hardly avoid making enemies. Ironically, while they long for greater under- standing, their enmity usually creates quite the opposite - the impulse for revenge in others. “Emotional Pollutants: You’ve got them (all of them) under your skin.” by Steven Stosny, May 14, 2008 http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200805/emotional-pollutants “Emotional Pollutants II,” by Steven Stosny, May 16, 2008 http://www. psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200805/emotional-pollutants-ii

 

Why Does Emotion Pollution Matter? As a whole, emotional pollution wreaks considerable havoc in far too many MissLed women’s personal lives. The chronic negative feedback produced by MissLed women’s entitlement, resentment, anger, superiority, pettiness, sarcasm, victim identity, and enmity damages trust and blocks closeness and bonding in relationships. 

 

Why Does All This MissThinking Matter So Profoundly? MissLed women who are prone to irrational inferences, thinking traps, de-bilitative emotions, and emotional pollutants tend to be in the habit of what author what John D. Mullen, in his book “Hard Thinking: The Reintroduction of Logic Into Everyday Life,” called “soft thinking.” As a result, they are vulnerable to hucksters, demagogues, swindlers, frauds and other tricksters:

 

“A person whose mind is soft, who is a soft thinker, is at the mercy of every trickster and charlatan who passes his or her way. The soft thinker falls under the control of religious hucksters, of political demagogues, of financial swindlers, medical frauds, and more. The soft thinker cannot stand up to the false expertise of the quack or incompetent doctor…The soft thinker, in other words, is constantly under the control of others.” John D. Mullen, “Hard Thinking: The Reintroduction of Logic Into Everyday Life, ” (Lanham, MD:  Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 1995) 4-5.

 

They must do the work needed to become more effective thinkers, and strive to develop the habit of what Mullen describes as “Hard Thinking:”

 

“Hard thinking is the confidence, willingness, and skill to use your reasoning powers to develop clear viewpoints, to argue for those viewpoints, to seek and accept others’ skilled evaluation of your own positions, and to evaluate intelligently the viewpoints and arguments of others.” John D. Mullen, “Hard Thinking: The Reintroduction of Logic into Everyday Life,” (Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 1995) 4.

 

MissLed women have a choice - either they can earn the benefits from “Hard Thinking” and thrive, or they can continue to be damaged by “Soft Thinking,” which promotes the following MissLed traits:

 

• MissThinking - They habitually engage in faulty, soft, or unclear thinking.

• •           MissBelieving - They believe claims which are false or misleading.

•            MissCommunicating - They communicate mistakenly, unclearly, or inadequately.