(Victim Thinking, Intuitive Thinking, Irrational Thinking, Egocentric Thinking, Wishful Thinking, Adolescent Thinking)
"We go wrong, because we are blinded by love and misled by myths and misconceptions."
Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 4.
"With typical Western self-righteousness, we assume our notion of "love," romantic
love, must be the best. We assume that any other kind of love between couples would
be cold and insignificant by comparison. But if we Westerners are honest with
ourselves, we have to admit that our approach is not working well." Robert A. Johnson,
We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love, (NY: Harper Collins, 1983) 195.
"Studies have found that, on the average, parent-arranged marriages in India
are happier than love-based marriages in the United States...So the role of
love in marriage is debatable." James W. Kalat, Michelle N. Shiota, Emotion,
(Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Publishing, 2011) 188.
Why critique MissLed women's wrongheaded beliefs of Romance? Simply put - because they are the most commonplace beliefs that stem from many influential and misleading sources. Parents mislead their girls when they tell them they "deserve the best" man; Disney misleads with its influential childhood movies, and romantic comedy films mislead women regarding "romance" as adults. MissLed women's beliefs and expectations regarding "romance"
are most aptly described as simultaneously disorderly (raucous) and stubbornly misguided
(wrongheaded). That said, if they choose to dispense with myths and misguided ideas about
Romance, they have an excellent chance for a good quality of life. If, however
they persist in their fallacious beliefs about romance, they'll put their long-term
well-being (happiness, finances, raising happy and healthy children) at risk:
"We grow up believing in true love, in finding our "one and only." We assume
that once we do, we will marry in bliss and live happily ever after. But reality
rarely coincides with our beliefs." David M. Buss, The Evolution of Desire, (Basic
Books, 2003) 11.
For the many who persist with buying into the misleading and often-wrong information about
romance and "love," the results are often quite significant. Disillusionment, cynicism,
and blaming (of men) are most often the ultimate results. Misguided expectations largely
explain much of their discontent:
"We're being misled and misinformed by an unfounded yet constantly
repeated mantra about the naturalness of wedded bliss, female sexual
reticence, and happily-ever-after sexual monogamy - a narrative pitting
man against woman in a tragic tango of unrealistic expectations, snowballing
frustration, and crushing disappointment. Living under this tyranny of two...
we carry the weight of modern love's central anxiety...the expectation that
romance and sexual attraction can last a lifetime of coupled togetherness,
despite much hard evidence to the contrary." Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships, (NY: HarperCollins Publishers, 2011) 41.
Many committed relationships and marriages also can fail because they put too much focus on MissLed women's feelings. Therein, their emotional states are constantly monitored, and considered the primary barometer of the health and quality of the partnership.
In truth, however, instead of unrealistic expectations, a focus on "feelings", and the "good communication" panacea, the virtues actually most important for a good marriage are friendship, loyalty, generosity, courage, self-restraint and justice. In fact, genuine, lasting love is explained best
by the five A's:
"Attention from others leads to self-respect.
Acceptance engenders a sense of being inherently a good person.
Appreciation generates a sense of self-worth.
Affection makes us feel lovable.
Allowing gives us the freedom to pursue our own deepest needs,
values, and wishes." David Richo, Kathyln Hendricks, How to be an Adult
in Relationships, (Boston: Shambala, 2002) 27.
MissLed women, then, don't comprehend the profound distinctions between unrealistic - and
usually short-lived- "romantic" love, and the more realistic and mature bond known as companionate
love. The latter"...reflects the social changes of the last two decades. At its core is friendship,
equality, and the value system of the women's movement, with its corollary that the male role,
too, needs to change. A major factor in the companionate marriage is the attempt to balance
the partners' serious emotional investment in the workplace with their emotional investment
in the relationship and the children." Judith S. Wallerstein, Sandra Blakeslee, The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, (Houghton Mifflin, 1995) 22.
Companionate love is that which embraces everyday realities while it matures over time. For too many MissLed women, however, such a pragmatic, long-term type of love typically fails to
inspire much enthusiasm. Instead, for them, "Romance" and excitement matter above
all else. Unfortunately for them, such striving for "Romance" - as it is presented in books, songs and by visual entertainment - raises MissLed women's
expectations to levels that often grossly unrealistic and usually unattainable:
"Our predicament with marriage is due to the a historic misunderstanding
of marriage. The evolution of marriage in our civilization
has led us to expect marriage to make us happy and provide us with an
emotionally fulfilling life. These high expectations make it all too easy for us
to become disillusioned, and divorce is a natural response to our disappointment.
Consequently, contemporary marriage contains a volatile mixture of importance
and fragility, hope and despair, allure and disappointment." Blaine J. Fowers Ph.D.,
Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness, (SF, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2004) 4.
A key factor in many MissLed women's romantic frustrations is their preoccupation with
their personal and emotional fulfillment.
In truth, their view of, and expectations from, romance are too self-centered:
"Romance must, by its very nature, deteriorate into egotism. For romance is not a
love that is directed at another human being; the passion of romance is always directed
at our own projections, our own expectations, or own fantasies. In a very real sense, it is a love not of another person, but of ourselves." Robert A. Johnson, We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love, (NY: Harper Collins, 1983) 193.
For too many MissLed women, "Romance" is a narcissistic state of instant gratification.
They expect it to be a thing of great beauty, speed and spontaneity. For them, it is expected to
bring a "rush" or a "whirlwind," that "sweeps them off their feet" and carries them away:
"We grow in romantic feelings, get to a crest of excitement,
and then notice that the thrill is gone. Our choices are two.
We can break up or we can fashion a new, more mature love
based not on a thrill but on a commitment. The biggest mistake
we humans make is to become attached to someone's being a
certain way and then to think that will never change." Robert A. Johnson,
We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love, (NY: Harper Collins, 1983) 6.
Unfortunately, then, when it comes to "Romance," irrational, egocentric, and wishful thinking are all-too-common with MissLed
women. Their hopes tend to be far too high and their expectations are often hopelessly inflated. It's also a particularly self-defeating mindset, since intense preoccupation with Romantic "success" is predominant with MissLed women. This fixation is deep-seeded and ingrained early in life:
"Romantic ideology is part and parcel of the education our children receive from a very
early age, when they begin to watch Disney's movies and listen to fairy tales.
It continues to pervade their adulthood and culminates in their vow to live together,
happily ever after." Aaron Ben-Ze'ev, Ruhama Goussinksy, In the Name of Love: Romantic
Ideology and Its Victims, (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2008) 2.
Some of myths that MissLed women's misguidedly believe:
- Passion is crucial for long-term love
- Opposites attract
- Love should be unconditional
- Live Together Happily Ever After
- Love lasts forever
- All you need is love
- Chemistry is key
self-centered attitude of entitlement, combined with a misguided conviction that
their self esteem is all important. Many of them look to men for constant validation
of these misguided notions. If they don't get them, they too-often feel the men are to blame.
Fair or not, the facts remain that women are most nubile and therefore marriageable from 21 -
32 years old. Men are conditioned by their biology to prefer women of that age. This is
regardless of how intelligent, educated, financially
well-established, and professionally accomplished women may become. A 35-year professional
woman who thinks she has a lot to offer a man does - but only if he's
looking for an intelligent conversation over dinner or an evening at the symphony. Not, however,
if he's looking to marry and have children. Ironically, however, marriage is what many 35-year
old, MissLed professional women are complaining they can't attain. This frustration is
often related to their inflated expectations at that life stage. There, they also require men fit for
marrying to be fit, smart, sexy, nice, and ready, willing, and able to commit!
Of course, by the time these women have accrued educational and
professional success, the men they want (tall, handsome, fit, accomplished,
well above median income), ironically, have all settled down. What's left are the nice but
merely mortal guys somewhere in the middle of the bell curve. Alas - such men are
not sufficiently qualified enough for many women of that pedigree.
As a result, there are now a growing number of single women (who also must compete with the growing number of women who choose to divorce) in their 30s and 40s, who have chosen to put their
energies into career and self-development. Due to their choice to delay marriage, they have severely reduced
their chances for every finding a suitable man for marriage and children. Their time
to bear children is short. It's not what many women consider fair (something which drives
many of them crazy), but that's the way it is. Evolution and basic human psychology have stacked the odds
against these women. Some of them, unfortunately, will never find a mate.
In truth, if they want the best chance at a happy, long-term Romantic
partner, MissLed women must re-examine their standards, re-arrange their
priorities and reconsider their expectations. Unfortunately, many MissLed
women with their meticulous and detailed lists of "must haves" probably
won't ever consider such a paradigm shift. They are far too prideful to consider "settling" for merely
a "good" guy. If they actually want "good men," however, then they had better start to consider those
that can are reasonably kind and well-motivated to be successful in
long-term relationships. They'll then need to learn to accept, appreciate and enjoy them.
In other words, instead of shooting for the guys that's are "10s" in status and looks and trying to fix
them or deal with endlessly compromising, they would be better served with men who are
"10s" in loyalty, integrity, and fidelity. Those characteristics have served the happiest married
women very well for centuries, but have been foolishly forgotten or dismissed by MissLed women.
Unfortunately for them, they have been hoodwinked by the last 30 years of
romantic misinformation.
Given these trends, the challenges for those seeking loving, long-term partnerships
are likely to increase even more. Indeed, for the best chance for happy unions,
women must have a mindset as free of myths and nonsense as possible. Of course, such a change in
mindset won't be painless, or quick and easy. Unfortunately, all of the
accumulated baggage they carry from their persistent habits of thought and behavior
won't easily be displaced.
MissLed women also tend to fail in romantic relationships because they often mishandle the struggles and t conflicts that are inevitable challenges of any intimate partnership.
Quite often, with the slightest downturn, MissLed women will misperceive that "the thrill is
gone." Their feelings of love can turn to blame and disappointment, or , sometimes, even resentful anger. In today's instant-gratification, increasingly impatient society, both misguided men and MissLed women will ditch their partner at the first sign of trouble. This is the "I don't have to deal with this" syndrome. With such misgivings, self-defeating attitudes, and unrealistic expectations, MissLed women are left prone to many forms of discontent and disappointments:
"One of the glaring contradictions in romantic love is that so many couples treat
their friends with so much more kindness, consideration, generosity, and forgiveness
than they ever give each other! When people are with their friends, they are charming,
helpful, and courteous. But when they come home, the often vent all their anger,
resentment, moods, and frustrations on each other. Strangely they treat their
friends better than they do each other." Robert A. Johnson, We: Understanding
the Psychology of Romantic Love, (NY: Harper Collins, 1983) 197.
Truth is, most marriages and long-term relationships have periods that are quite mundane.
Overall, they are a mixed bag of joys and sorrows, often described by couples with
terms like "hard work" and "compromise." Many couples frankly describe their relationships
in terms like "running a small business together."
Indeed, the concept of compromise has been sold to couples as crucial to the health of
their relationships. While many women and men pragmatically accept that some compromise is inevitable, MissLed
women tend to insist on compromise in nearly every aspect of the relationship. This puts a very heavy load on both partners:
"Compromise requires spouses to be mental contortionists, attempting to achieve a degree of
cognitive compatibility that does not come naturally. Although everyone pays homage to the concept, compromise (a euphemism for sacrifice) is nobody's first choice." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 89.
It is clear, then, that the benefits of compromise in love relationships have been exaggerated. It is not the panacea that MissLed women have been led to believe. In fact, it can be fraught with dangers:
"Compromising, especially when people are resistant to it, has two dangers. First, compromising too easily doesn't' resolve conflict; it creates it. This is because when people compromise as a way of restoring harmony before expressing and defending their position they are not actually agreeing to a resolution, making it unlikely that any compromise will be sustainable...Second, many people make compromises at the beginning of a relationship, before any conflict takes place, thinking of them as sacrifices required to build a sustainable relationship. However, upon making such compromises without considering their own happiness and well-being they may later become resentful and give mixed messages about keeping their agreements, resulting in conflict." David Bedridk, Arnold Mindell Ph. D, Talking Back to Dr. Phil: Alternatives to Mainstream Psychology, (Sante Fe, NM: Belly Song Press, 2013) 55-56.
The mixture of good and bad times that describe most marriages are best coped with
by having realistic expectations. Yet, self-defeatingly, many MissLed women persist in
being unrealistic. For some, being realistic about marriage is "unromantic." Others
simply don't understand that long-term compatibility and shared values often make or break
a relationship. For most married couples, marriage remains a difficult challenge, however, regardless of passion, chemistry, or how grandiose
the wedding, honeymoon, or home they purchase together:
"Love at first sight is easy. It's love at 1001st sight that can be very difficult." Karen
Salmansohn, The Prince Harming Syndrome, (Long Island City, NY: Langensheidt Publishing) 146.
What type of mentality regarding "romance" would serve MissLed women better? One which dispenses with the most frequently believed myths many cling to related to "romance." These include:
1. Passion is crucial for long-term love:
For most successful, long-term, happy relationships, passion is not paramount.
It's a nice bonus; while it may be there in the beginning, but can't be counted on to be a critical part of the bond. In truth, pragmatic, wise people know:
"Nobody can think straight when high on passionate love." Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom, (NY: Basic Books, 2006) 126.
2. Opposites attract:
Opposites do often (fleetingly) attract, but, quite often they eventually attack. Blinded and
blissful in the infatuation stage, MissLed women unrealistically expect the attraction and fascination
with the "other" to continue indefinitely. However, when it inevitably fades, it usually becomes
conflict, or even repulsion. Fact is, similars tend to attract in the most beneficial way possible - the long-term:
"Called homogamy or assortment, this tendency for similar individuals to pair
bond has been extensively documented...Regardless of our preferences, we
seem ultimately to pair with similar others." Pamela C. Regan, The Mating Game:
A Primer On Love, Sex, and Marriage, (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Productions, 2008) 52.
"The more similar people are in the family backgrounds, life goals, and political and religious values, the more likely they are to stay together." Wendy Walsh, The 30-Day Love Detox, (NY: Rodale Inc., 2013) 96.
Books and films tend to tell - and sell - compelling, dramatic stories of opposites who attract and then
fall in love and live happily ever after. Of course, these are mere stories:
"Stories about opposites attracting are just that, stories...but in real
life, similarity matters...love tends to last when lovers love many things
together, and not merely each other." Karen Salmansohn, The Prince Harming Syndrome,
(Long Island City, NY: Langensheidt Publishing) 100.
3. Unconditional love is indispensable for happiness in a relationship:
MissLed women who promote and expect unconditional love are setting themselves up for a likely heartbreak, and ultimately, a probable disillusionment:
"I want a man who loves me unconditionally and just wants to be around
me and love me just because I'm me." All of us want to feel completely accepted,
but that's more fairy tale than reality. The reality of life is that we are judged and
develop our relationships based on what we bring to them." Joel D Block, Kimberly
Dawn Neumann, The Real Reasons Men Commit, (Avon, MA: Adams Media, 2009) 67-68.
MissLed women too often feel they deserve love, unconditionally. This is a misguided, self-
defeating delusion. In fact, mental health experts say that genuine love is earned, and is
conditional. In truth, any man or woman seeking love is better served asking themselves, "Am I behaving in a love-worthy way?" In addition, their love must understood to be conditional:
"Love Conditionally...No one, including you, is love-worthy if she or he does not behave lovingly.
Love is something you earn, not something you deserve." Karen Salmansohn, The Prince Harming
Syndrome, (Long Island City, NY: Langensheidt Publishing) 57.
4. On expecting to Live Together "Happily Ever After:"
Unfortunately, a gross misunderstanding of the phrase "happily ever after" has
seeped into the consciousness and expectations of many MissLed women:
"Your final ends in life should always be to live happily ever after - never
to be confused with living pleasurably ever after." Karen Salmahnson, The Prince
Harming Syndrome, (Long Island City, NY: Langensheidt Publishing) 224.
The failure to understand the profound difference between pleasure and happiness leaves
MissLed women with unrealistic expectations of consistent positive feelings. They are
left prone to be unduly alarmed by any absence of these positive feelings, however brief. Misguidedly,
their confusion between short-term, pleasurable emotions and long-term happiness often leads
them to question their contentment level or, more seriously, their choice of love partner. Such love
miscalculations can lead them to considerable pain and misery:
"...romantic love is also a major factor in people's misery, as it involves many disappointments
and unfulfilled hopes...Love may be "many splendid things," but love also hurts a lot, can
be dangerous, and may lead us to foolish deeds." Aaron Ben-Ze'ev, Ruhama
Goussinksy, In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and Its Victims, (Oxford: Oxford University
Press, 2008) 3.
5. On romantic, passionate love lasting forever:
The intoxicating phase of love typically only lasts mere months.
For MissLed women to expect those intense feelings to last is both unrealistic, and unwise. It is
also misguided for them to think that falling out of love or ending a relationship that is not
mutually beneficial is something to be regretted:
"We are sold a bill of goods, that says, if a relationship doesn't last for the rest
of your life, it's a failure, and failing in our society is unacceptable." Christine
Arylo, Choosing Me Before We, (Novato, Ca: New World Library, 2009) 182.
In fact, so-called love at first sight is typically merely infatuation. However intense,
such feelings are not a reliable indicator that a person has met a compatible person
for a deep, long-lasting relationship. Both contemporary scientific findings and grandma's (mostly ignored) wisdom show that love, in fact, is a short-term drug:
"After a while, the fire cools and that's how it stays...Passionate love is a drug."
Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom,
(NY: Basic Books, 2006) 125.
"...romantic love can only last so long as a couple are "high" on one another, so long
as the money lasts and the entertainments are exciting." Robert A. Johnson, We: Understanding
the Psychology of Romantic Love, (NY: Harper Collins, 1983) 196.
"...brain love lasts 6 months to a year." Michael Gurian, What Could He Be Thinking?,
(NY: St. Martin's Griffin, 2004) 118.
Inevitably, then, such a high - however pleasant and intoxicating - will end relatively
quickly. These are merely temporarily heightened feelings that produce unrealistic and
misguided, yet sky-high hopes that they will last forever. It's up to MissLed women (and
other women and men) to accept this truth, and soberly evaluate a potential long-
term mate outside of this heady brew.
In fact, instead of longing for and idealizing love
at first sight, MissLed women would be better served to seek love at last sight:
"Love at first sight says, 'I'll love you until...' Until you turn forty. Until
you become too much trouble. Until I feel differently.
Love at last sight says, 'I'll love you even when...' Even when you're sick. Even
when helping you is difficult for me. Even when your eyes dim and your skin sags. Even
when you wrong me" Kerry Shook, Chris Shook, Love at Last Sight, (Colorado
Springs: WaterBrook Press, 2010) 55.
7. On "All you need is love:"
MissLed women tend to prioritize, glorify, and - not surprisingly - misunderstand
romantic love. Truth is, much more than that is needed for successful
long-term relationships:
"Today's culture tells us that all we need is love. But in the end, love wasn't even
enough to keep The Beatles together...That's because love is more than just a song,
a dream, or a feeling." Kerry Shook, Chris Shook, Love at Last Sight, (Colorado
Springs: WaterBrook Press, 2010) 47.
"Love, like attraction alone, is not enough to create a fulfilling, dynamic, life-affirming
partnership." Robert A. Johnson, We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love, (NY: Harper Collins, 1983) 173.
"Americans are the most likely to believe that love is the basis of marriage;
that it can conquer all obstacles; and that if you really love someone, all of
your problems and conflicts can be solved." John Marshall Townsend, What Women Want -
What Men Want, (Oxford: Oxford U. Press, 1998) 247-248.
In fact, "love" is never enough to withstand the challenges of modern relationships:
"Unfortunately, centrifugal forces are at work that can split
a relationship - demoralizing disillusionments, labyrinthine misunderstandings, and
tortured miscommunications. Love in itself is seldom sturdy enough to resist these divisive
forces and their by-products, resentment and rage." Aaron T. Beck, M.D., Love is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts and Solve Relationship Problems
Through Cognitive Therapy, (NY: Harper & Row, 1988) 5.
8. Chemistry is key for relationship success:
"Chemistry not always a good judge of character, chemistry sees what it wants to see, and chemistry is not constant, even in the best of relationships." John Van Epp Ph. D., How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk, (NY, McGraw Hill, 2007) 108.
"What makes a good marriage is not simply "chemistry" but how the partners handles conflict." Tom Butler Bowdon, 50 Psychology Classics, (NY: MJF Books, 2007) 137.
MissLed women tend to rely far too much on "chemistry" as their guide for their love choices. "Chemistry" tells them whether or not they have "fallen in love." Unfortunately, any "chemistry" they may perceive typically fades within 1 to 2
years. What then? Too often, they'll spend the rest of their lives trying to recapture
that initial feeling of "chemistry," going to relationship counselors, seminars, spending money on
books, DVDs, etc. Most often this search is to no avail. Increasingly, their solution is to end
marriages or long-term, committed relationships and seek to connect
with someone new who generates "chemistry."
MissLed women misconstrue such euphoric romantic feelings as the only love game in town. But they're not.
In fact "romance" in its modern form is really the lowest, least mature form of love. Truth is, it is selfish and
usually ill-fated from the start. "Romance," in fact, is only beginner's love. It's positively infantile,
crooning, "I want, I need, and therefore I love," It's so much Baby Love. Perhaps it best explains why MissLed
women and their lovers call each other, "Baby." MissLed women often lack the patience and maturity that
bring the best chances for building higher, deeper loves. Indeed, such traits are increasingly rare in
this time of "gimme-gimme now now."
There is forgotten or ignored wisdom that has proven to be extremely helpful for long-term relationships be understood by any MissLed
women who want genuine, lasting love. It explains that "love" best understood as a sweet and devoted
camaraderie. Therein, couples look out for each other's interests, happiness
and welfare as much as for their own. (People whose marriages succeed most often rise to this
level of mutual concern). Instead of the typical fleeting, passionate connections, MissLed women
would be better served to strive for these more proven, lasting forms of love.
Perhaps the biggest surprise to many MissLed women is that career success, education, or intelligence are not boosts to their "love" prospects. In fact, they can inadvertently hinder their prospects
for romantic success with men:
"Women with the highest levels of education (graduate degrees) and lucrative jobs
are also more likely to divorce." Anne Campbell, A Mind of Her Own: The Evolutionary
Psychology of Women, (Oxford: Oxford U. Press, 2002) 267.
"We find, so often, that the more intelligent and sophisticated the woman, the more self-defeating and foolish her choices and her patterns of behaviors with romantic partners. We believe
these foolish choices are triggered by modern, destructively inaccurate myths women believe about men today."
Connell Cowan, Melvyn Kinder, Smart Women/Foolish Choices:
Finding the Right Men Avoiding the Wrong Ones, (NY: New American
Library, 1985) 6.
Some additional damaging - and potentially dangerous -Misconceptions that are all-too-common among MissLed women include:
"For most of us, conventional wisdom about romantic relationships remains unquestioned, perpetuating misconceptions
and myths that guarantee marital dissatisfaction...Conventional wisdom maps marital futures because
we take it for granted." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries
the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 13.
"The problem with staking marital futures on conventional wisdom is that conventional wisdom is often wrong." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 6.
Indeed, there too many misconceptions that are wrong that damage and mislead women.
"Twenty myths and misconceptions to ignore...
1. There's one right person for everyone.
"This fairytale notion, straight out of Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella, sets up everyone for disappointment...because everyone
deeply wishes for life to be easy, as it could be with that one right person." 13-14.
2. It's better to be unhappy with someone than to be alone.
"This powerful belief explains why so many unhappy couples stay together. These partners essentially think, Being alone would probably be worse, so I might as well stick it out." At the root of this attitude is the universal fear of scarcity. We fear loss of companionships and
loneliness." 14.
3. Spouses are supposed to fulfill each other's wants and needs.
"In fact, the primary bond, the marriage, isn't supposed to be disassociated from much of anything; we have exalted it to such a degree that we now expect it to provide all of our happiness and fulfillment. Many marriages crack under the strain of such high expectations." Larry Young, PhD, Brian Alexander, The Chemistry Between Us: Love, Sex, and the Science of Attraction, (NY: Penguin Group, 2012) 218.
4. If I love, I will be equally loved in return.
"Because many of us end up thinking that we are the ones that love more, this myth guarantees my-spouse-should-love-me-more ruminations and impossible to fulfill expectations. Although everyone learns from experience that this belief has no basis in fact, many of us cling to the delusion that we deserve this degree of love. We then feel justified in blaming the spouse who does not seem to love us as much as he or she should." 16.
5. Love cures loneliness.
"Our expectations mislead us...if we believe that the love of a partner will banish
loneliness." 16.
"Women often wish for a partner who, like a girlfriend, joins them in empathic conversation...
Unmet expectations leave us feeling disconnected from our spouses." 17.
6. Jealousy is a sign of love.
"Jealousy is a not a sign of love. It is all about the individual's negative interpretations of and emotional reactions to a spouse's behavior. When we feel and act jealous, we betray our insecurities. If we expect a partner to change his or her interactions with others, we behave badly, whether we whine or intimidate." 18.
"If she shows jealousy, this only tells you that she is reactive, controlling, doesn't manage
her negative emotions, is willing to vent on you and is emotionally immature." 17.
7. It takes a lot of years to train a spouse.
"This myth keeps alive the hope that every wrong person is trainable and will eventually transform into the right person."
It promotes the arrogant and ignorant concept that men require training from their wives.
Only such long-term instruction will transform husbands into the right kind of partner for
the clearly wiser, superior wife (egocentric thinking):
"The idea that you will (need to) parent your spouse ruins a romantic relationship. Natalie Wood got
it right when she said, "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby." 18.
8. If you love me, you will change.
"The misconception here is that people change out of love for one another." 19.
9. Fighting is healthy.
"Fighting is drama and drama is for soap operas, talk shows, and emotional adolescents." 19.
"To succeed at relationships, we must learn how not to fight and to constructively manage our angry feelings..."
10. Our problem is, we don't communicate.
"Believing that you'll be more satisfied in your marriage if your partner improves his or her communication skills is an uninformed and unproductive conclusion." 20.
11. He or she made me do it.
12. Trust is earned.
"Trust is, in fact, a choice...everyone is untrustworthy to a degree." 21.
13. Once a cheater, always a cheater. 21.
14. If I have to tell my spouse what pleases me, it's not as special.
"Which is more narcissistic: believing I deserve special treatment or expecting
my spouse to continuously search for ways to make me feel special...If you nag your spouse,
you are parenting...a ruinous mistake." 22.
15. My spouse will never treat me badly.
"Yes, the day will come when your beloved will intentionally hurt you...Loved ones inevitably choose to subject us to their feelings of anger, jealousy, and mean-spiritedness." 23.
16. Love is selfless.
"Love is self-interest. We behave lovingly because it feels good or because we get something
we want in return." 23.
"Romantic love is the most self-centered love of all. Conventional expectations demand that
spouses be cherished, honored and treated like royalty." 24. (irrational expectations)
17. No matter how I behave, my spouse knows I care. 24.
"Marital satisfaction is like a bear market; your stock is more likely to go down than up." 25.
18. True love conquers all.
"If we believe this myth, we harm relationships by imposing impossible standards." 25.
19. Find your soul mate and marry him or her. 26.
"A soul mate is a special kind of dream come true...In short, a soul mate is your psychological
clone, the one with whom everything is easy because you share beliefs and values, likes and dislikes,
perceptions, instincts, intuitions, dreams, and approaches to daily life...there are no misunderstandings,
disagreements, criticisms, or wrongs..." 26.
Is it any wonder that such an overinflated description, accompanied by expectations that go with it, is a prescription
for relationship disappointments, often leading to disillusion with the partner when they quickly fall
short of such idealized hopes?
20. Great sex is the key to marital success. 26.
"Conventional wisdom undermines couples' satisfaction with their sexual relationships, because it is
fraught with misinformation..." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries
the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 13-27.
WHY DOES WRONGHEADED ROMANCE MATTER?
Women's struggles with intimate partnerships are well-documented and frequently discussed.
Are there more pragmatic and optimal beliefs and expectations for MissLed women who want authentic love relationships? Indeed, there are. The resources are available - well-researched and documented books and other media produced by experts in the field. Some people have access to caring and wise friends and family members who can provide advice and support. Others are fortunate enough to be able to afford professional counseling and advice. In any case, growing beyond and getting past any past hurts where they misperceive themselves as innocent victims is a good start. Improving upon any insecurities, excessive pride, misplaced guilt, and unrealistic expectations are a critical second step. Sober and frank self-appraisal is absolutely paramount. Everyone has heard that "Love is blind," but there is also much truth to the statement that "there is none so blind as those who will not see." For those women who choose to see reality, there is a great long-term reward. Authentic, mature love never physically hurts. In contrast it emotionally nurtures and protects. MissLed women would be well served to accept the huge difference between what too many now seek - infatuation, unhealthy, and selfish love - and what, for most, is more satisfying - authentic, lasting, companionate love.
*****************
Ann Swidler, Talk of Love: How Culture Matters (Chicago, U. of Chicago Press, 2001)
""In hit songs and pulp fiction, as in the conversations and commiserations of friends and lovers, love is described and dissected. These sources do not all agree on what LOVE is, but...the culture of Love
is all around us." Ann Swidler, Talk of Love: How Culture Matters (Chicago, U. of Chicago Press, 2001) 10.
Gary D Chapman, Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married,
"Being in love is an emotional and obsessive experience. However, emotions
change and obsessions fade. Research indicates that the average life span of the
"in love" obsession is two years. For some it may last a bit longer; for some, a bit
less. But the average is two years. Then we come down off the emotional high
and those aspects of life that we disregarded in our euphoria begin to become
important. Our differences begin to emerge and we often find ourselves arguing with
the person whom we once thought to be perfect. We have now discovered for
ourselves that being in love is not the foundation for a happy marriage." 18.
==============================================================================
Gary Chapman, Things I wish I'd Known Before We Got Married, (Chicago, Northfield Publishing, 2010)
"That being in love is not an ADEQUATE FOUNDATION for building a SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE." Gary Chapman, Things I wish I'd Known Before We Got Married, (Chicago, Northfield Publishing, 2010) 15.
"Often we fail to consider the fact that
our social, spiritual, and
intellectual interests are miles apart. Our value systems and goals are
contradictory, but we are in love. The great tragedy stemming from this perception
of love is that a year after the marriage, a couple sits in the counselor's office
and say, "We don't love each other anymore." Therefore, they are ready to separate.
After all, if "love" is gone, then "surely you don't expect us to stay together." Gary Chapman, Things I Wish I'd Known Before We Got Married, (Chicago, Northfield Publishing, 2010) 17.
"If the obsessive nature of the in love euphoria extended for the next twenty years,
few of us would accomplish our educational and vocational potential. Involvement in
social issues and philanthropic endeavors would be nil. When we are in love, the
rest of the world doesn't matter. We are totally focused on being with each
other and making each other happy." Gary Chapman, Things I wish I'd Known Before We Got Married, (Chicago, Northfield Publishing, 2010) 22-23.
"Some couples learn how to resolve conflicts in a friendly manner while others
resort to heated arguments." Gary Chapman, Things I wish I'd Known Before We Got Married, (Chicago, Northfield Publishing, 2010) 42.
"Confusion over roles is one of the most stressful aspects of contemporary marriages...
If the two of you do not discuss and agree upon who will do what, you will find
this to me a major source of conflict in the marriage." Gary Chapman, Things I wish I'd Known Before We Got Married, (Chicago, Northfield Publishing, 2010) 76-77.
"Your philosophy of maleness and femaleness greatly influences your
expectations of marital roles." Gary Chapman, Things I wish I'd Known Before We Got Married," (Chicago, Northfield Publishing, 2010) 7.
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Dennis Rainey. Staying Close: Stopping the Natural Drift Toward Isolation,
"Today, both men and women are having affairs with their careers, and the effect on
marriage is undeniable." 88.
=========================================================
Wendy Walsh, 30-Day Love Detox, (NY: Rodale Inc., 2013):
"The difference between Romantic love and Rational love is an awareness of power and choice among the heady rush of dopamine and sex hormones. If Romantic love is based on chance and the total immersion of sexual attraction, Rational love is based on self-control and sound decision-making skills...Smart women have been engaging in Rational love for centuries."
"Falling in love is the best high you can get without breaking any laws." Marriage, for Equals, 24.
"When we fall in love with someone, we cast them as the perfect leading man or woman, fleshing out the script with all manner of fantasies about who they are." Marriage, for Equals, 26.
"The difference between Romantic love and Rational love is an awareness of power and choice among the heady rush of dopamine and sex hormones. If Romantic love is based on chance and the total immersion of sexual attraction, Rational love is based on self-control and sound decision-making skills...Smart women have been engaging in Rational love for centuries."
"My generation is in some ways a lost generation of women sold a false bill of goods about fertility,
motherhood, and sexual freedom." xiii-xiv.
"Eighty percent of women will become mothers - married or not and good boyfriend or not.
And plenty of women simply don't understand the consequences of not choosing well." 8.
"According to a government study, anti-depressants have become the most commonly prescribed drugs in the United States...And they're overwhelmingly prescribed to women." 10.
"Today, women hold unimagined power." 12. (college, jobs, single pay)
"Here's the payback: When women rise in power, men are less likely to get married and less likely to produce a big, uh, a big paycheck. Really. And it's all because sex is in such high supply in our culture." 13.
"The more SIMILAR people are in their family backgrounds, life goals, and political and religious values, the more likely they are to stay together." 96.
"The high-supply sexual economy hurts women. It may make us feel temporarily liberated, but it sets us up for relationship failure in the long run." 131.
"Women need a love purge...We need to clear away the clouds of alcohol, sex hormones, and tech addiction. We need to see men more clearly." 131.
"The truth is there are two distinct sex markets. One sells bulk sex at a low price - perhaps the price of one drink or a cleverly worded text - and the other sells a select variety to a narrow market. Women who want a healthy relationship "charge" a high price for sex: attention, love, care, commitment, and social status." 132-133.
SAME:
"Women's sexuality is a complicated mix of psychology, social conditioning, and biology. Men's sexuality is closer to basic plumbing." 134.
SAME:
"These women believe the myth that sex is in fact a human need...Sex is no more a need than a trip to Saks Firth Avenue. For our human survival, we need air, food, water, shelter, and companionship...Is sex necessary for their survival? Nope. But it's a nice perk that comes with freedom, prosperity, and good health." 135.
"Sex doesn't lead to love for men. And if the guy is a player, sex more often lea
ds to disdain for you..Feminism has yet to reprogram men's brains in the area of sexuality." 136.
"Women may have reached a historic zenith of power in their careers, but at no time in history have women felt so powerless in terms of relationships." 150-151.
"Most single women today aren't content with the attention of one man. Relationships today are just too undefined and too fragile. Instead, women tend to keep a cadre of loose attachments with about five men who help them deal with the anxiety of being single." 152.
"There are troops of angry single women out there. They feel the deck is stacked against them and haven't found a way to win the game. So they blame men." 161.
"If women are seeking a long-term mate, they need to embody what men want in a long-term mate. Although attractiveness is important, other qualities include loyalty, fidelity, kindness, intelligence, dependability, and good health. These are all qualities under women's control - at least to some degree." 163.
===================================================================
GROUP:
"Recent studies on group intelligence in workplaces show that mixed gender groups are better at problem solving than any single gender group." 35.
"Why would women join a hookup culture that's dangerous for their mental and physical health and their reproductive success? 39.
"By the end of the period of romantic love, people usually have made lifestyle changes based on the delusion that their partner is perfect." 41.
"Finally, if they're lucky, they'll reach mature companionship love. This stage of love involves less sexual attraction, less romance, and less intellectual work. Mature companionship love is part habit, part comfort, and all about shared lives." 42.
SAME;
"Bottom line: Most men compartmentalize sex and love...Sex simply doesn't lead to love for men."
43.
SINGLE MOMS;
"Single mothers have worse health than their married counterparts and are two to three times more
likely to seek mental health services." 48.
"If romantic love is based on chance and the total immersion in sexual attraction, rational love is based on self-control and sound decision-making. Both can be hot and exciting, but rational love is unleashed in a calculated, responsible fashion." 59.
"The average wedding budget has grown year after year and now stands at $27, 021."87.
===========================================================
"Falling in love is the best high you can get without breaking any laws." Marriage, for Equals, 24.
"When we fall in love with someone, we cast them as the perfect leading man or woman, fleshing out the script with all manner of fantasies about who they are." Marriage, for Equals, 26.
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Friendship: How To Get It, How To Give It
"Instead of a code for bonding, most of us have been indoctrinated with one of bondage. Like Siamese twins, we must always appear together as a couple. No other society...expects as much from marriage - the source of all emotional satisfaction - as ours...Many marriages don't work or they don't work for very long. It is likely that a goodly percentage collapse from mere overload. Most of us are aware of this - we acknowledge that even at its best, marriage cannot meet all the needs of both spouses all the time. In practice, though, we frequently ignore this fundamental truth. How many couples in our society freely allow each other strong individual friendships outside marriage? Very few indeed." 216-217.
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"Top 5 Relationship Misconceptions
- Everyone else is having more sex than us..,The truth is, on average, long-term couples have sex once a week.
- Now that I'm part of a couple, I need to let go of the "single" me.
- I am not allowed to find other people attractive
- Our kids should always come first
- I have to do it all or it won't get done.
"Too many women never achieve the romantic and sexual fulfillment they want and usually blame their partners for getting it wrong. But what if the problem isn't him?"
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EVERYBODY MARRIES..
"The problem with staking marital futures on conventional wisdom is that conventional wisdom is often wrong."
"As it has been repeatedly demonstrated, humans are prone to the world-is-flat assumptions. "6.
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