SOPHOMORIC SOUL MATE SOLIPSISM

SOPHOMORIC SOUL MATE SOLIPSISM
(Irrational Thinking, Egocentric Thinking, Wishful Thinking)

"Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate..." - Atlanta
psychiatrist Frank Pittman."
"Great Expectations:  The Soul Mate Quest," by Polly Shoman
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200403/great-expectations-the-soul-mate-quest

"According to a recent national survey by researchers at Rutgers University, 94% of singles stated that they want to marry their soul mate." John Van Epp Ph. D., How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk, (NY, McGraw Hill, 2007) 5.


(In today's parlance, "soul mate" is just an overly used, cliché' term
used to identify the person in a relationships with whom they (mis)perceive that they have a significant amount of profound qualities in common with).

MissLed women too often have a  belief in, or expectation of, a connection with an idealized partner on an intimate level for a lifetime.  Too many women have accepted this Disneyfied  this concept of love.  For some, the "soul mate" relationship has been misleadingly romanticized and commercialized to the point of it becoming a religion, even for the expressly non-religious. They have a dramatic, Shakespearean longing for the ONE - the soul (mate) who is destined to be their perfect match:

"There is no room for divergence, disagreement, or error in the starry-eyed,
soul-mate version of love..." Kathryn Schulz, Being Wrong:  Adventures in the
Margin of Error, (NY:  Harper Collins, 2010) 272.

When the misinformation and expectations regarding "romance," are combined with the nearly-omnipresent "soul mate" mentality among MissLed women, it is not surprising that so many of their committed relationships are unsuccessful.  .    In contrast,  most men's notion of what to expect from relationships don't approach the rarefied air of "soul mate" bliss.  While many may give their approval to the soul mate concept, they still tend to be much less starry-eyed and significantly more pragmatic with their expectations within the relationships themselves.

The striking contrast between men and women's expectations from relationships - and the tension or conflict that results from it - are well summed up here:

"Put into their proper perspective, relationships are simply a piece of a satisfying life - not
the be all and end all. Yet, women put so much pressure on themselves and their
partner to do it "right." They spend far too much time thinking about and worrying about
their relationships. From this fearfulness, they put too many expectations on them for
fulfilling all their "needs." Instead, they should be taking care of most of
their own needs, make themselves happy first, and lower their expectations of others.
"People think they deserve happy marriages, they deserve great sex lives. Who
says?"
"Soul Mates;  Finding Your Soul Mate - Prelude To A Successful Marriage?," by John R. Buri, Ph.D. , October 5, 2010
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-bytes/201010/soul-mates

Since women's happiness tends to be strongly associated with the quality of their personal relationships, they are the ones who suffer most from their often-strident belief in the soul mate marriage model. Due to this irrational belief, many won't find their ever-elusive "soul mate" - and therefore will never marry.  Others will marry with the expectation that their husband is their "soul mate" but often  quickly discover that the soul mate concept has many drawbacks:


"Americans are now gravitating towards a “soul mate” model of marriage,
one that privileges emotional intimacy and personal growth, often at the
expense of other goods long associated with marriage - such as
marital permanency, child rearing, and economic cooperation."
National Marriage Project
http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/pdfs/Union_11_12_10.pdf, pg. 9.

Unfortunately for them, the concept of SOUL MATES is one of MissLed women's
 fervently defended and feverishly held versions of wishful thinking. For them,  the bond
with a "soul mate" will supposedly dispel their fear of going it alone. Their "soul mate" is
also expected to fulfill their wish for unconditional love and understanding. 
Such wishful thinking, however, rarely bears fruit. In fact, with separate
work and social lives now the norm, the reality of most of today's marriages does not by any means eliminate loneliness. Nor do MissLed women's "soul mate" expectations secure the unconditional love and support they yearn for (in fact, most relationship experts recommend love to be conditional and understood to be reciprocal).

Many MissLed women have an unrealistic expectation of how they'll meet their "soul mate."
Most often, they expect to meet via the forces of fate or destiny, often in a serendipitous
way.  Such a "romantic" meeting appeals to their preference for excitement and mystery.
Of course, such an expectation can be emotionally appealing - but it is hardly rational or realistic. In fact, the process of meeting a quality partner can be pure happenstance. More often, it is a mundane, sometimes painful, and, at times, quite laborious process of trial and error.

Ironically, the persistent pining for "soul mates" has caused significant pain
and loneliness  - for both women and men.  Indeed, many a merely mortal, good man has been disqualified due to this misguided concept. Many a well-meaning but MissLed woman has spent her adult life in the
fruitless search for Mr. "Soul Mate." The unrealistic aspect of the "soul mate," the "I won't settle/I'm too special/I'm amazing" element, has kept many MissLed women from being agreeable to what could be very good, happy, long-term relationships. In their MissLed mindset, however, a merely pleasant, loving relationship is simply not adequate.  The contemplation of such a notion, in fact, pales in comparison to their fairy tale, movie screen wish of a "soul mate" fantasy relationship that comes fully equipped with an everlasting, magical bond.

Society often compounds MissLed women's distorted expectations by promoting the false notion that there is only one person for each man and woman. Movie references and cultural messages often refer to "soul mates," "the one," or someone to "complete" them.
Recent books and movies on the "soul mate" concept reinforce and glamorizes it as exciting,
dramatic, and attainable for all who have an "open heart" and "believe." There are also legions of snake oil salespeople - astrologers, palm readers, and psychics - who 
(for a fee) will gladly tell MissLed women that the person they’re currently attracted to
is (or is not) their "soul mate."  As a result all-too-often, MissLed women
spend much of their precious time wondering how and when they'll meet their "soul mate" and what that  - and the supposed "happily ever after" - will be like.
MissLed women's habit of magical thinking lead them to idyllic fantasies about
finding this promised "soul mate."  Two of their most common, misplaced, and
emotionally charged misconceptions regarding “soul mates:”

1. They cling to erroneous or unrealistic fantasies about meeting and loving their "soul mate."

2. They falsely believe that "soul mate" relationships always end up “happily ever after.”

Some MissLed women's search for "soul mates" stem from their perfectionism.  What
they fail to realize is that the perfect match (made in heaven, of course) - exists
only in the movies and in their dreams.  Real life, of course, isn't a movie - or a dream.
Such MissLed women expect a "soul mate" relationship
to be electric, passionate, highly sexual and perfectly binding.  They
also feel that as soon as they meet that person, time will seem to
stand perfectly still and they will know that they are “the one.” Indeed,
their misplaced belief in "soul mate" relationships aligns well with their
perfectionism. After all, a "soul mate" is supposedly a perfect
match - a partner to complement them perfectly, as voiced by the phrase,
"You complete me." Perfectionistic MissLed women who look for someone to "complete"
them, however, are only hiding the fact from themselves that they don't
feel complete as a person on their own. Indeed, much of their yearning for a "soul mate" comes
from their discontent - their lack of self-worth:

"Low self-esteem seeks low self-esteem in others - not consciously, to be
sure, but by the logic of that which leads us to feel we have encountered
a "soul mate." The most disastrous relationships are those between persons
who think poorly of themselves; the union of two abysses does not produce
a height."  Nathaniel Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, (NY:  Bantam Books, 1994) 7.

When  MissLed women say they "found" or they are "looking for" their "soul mates,"
often what they are admitting is that they are really looking for is someone to save them - from themselves. In fact, such a search outside of themselves for happiness tends to result in their persistent frustration.  Too often, they put tremendous pressure from their expectations on their husbands.  They misguidedly expect that their interests, their needs, their  personality traits, their  likes and dislikes are what matters most in their  marriage.
They expect the perfect soul mate relationship from their spouse; they want it all - a partner
who reflects their taste and status; who sees them for who they really are;  who loves them for all the "right" reasons; who helps them become the person they want to be. This is the man who will
counter MissLed women's weaknesses, amplify their strengths and provide them unflagging
support and respect.  If they expect this from a mere mortal, flawed man, however, they are
setting themselves up for a heavy dose of disillusionment. Indeed, when they are inevitably
confronted with the unavoidable and quite unromantic aspects of reality, they'll ask: Is this all there is? They wonder... did they "settle" for a merely good man instead of waiting for the supposedly perfect match?

That perfect somebody is, of course, their true - and one and only - "soul mate." The reality, of course, is that few marriages or partnerships will come close to living up to the "soul mate" ideal. For the married MissLed women who remain true believers, the typical result of the persistence of the
"soul mate" expectation is a commitment limbo.  Therein, they still care deeply for their
partners, but keep one stealthy foot out the door of their hearts. In so doing, they subject the
relationship to constant review: Would they be happier, more loved, or a better person with
someone else? For the MissLed women who persist in their quixotic belief in "soul mates," it's
a self-induced, painful modern quandary.

Ironically, until quite recently, the pragmatic benefits of partnership were foremost in
women's minds. Indeed, the idea of marriage as a vehicle for self-fulfillment
and happiness is relatively new. Fifty or sixty years ago, most women
had realistic expectations (and, tellingly, NONE of them talked of "soul mates."). They
were content to marry a decent man, have children, and live in a decent home. Now, most
report that they expect  to get married for (soul mate) love. Unfortunately, this marriage expectation -
especially in combination with MissLed women's emphasis on their complete emotional fulfillment
within marriage - will result in few couples who prosper long-term.

In truth, if MissLed women soberly scrutinized the soul mate concept (instead of indulging in egocentric, adolescent and wishful dreaming), they'd
realize that it is a delusional belief, a fairy tale.  One which
is far from harmless, for it is both extremely unrealistic, whimsical, and illogical:

"The concept of the soul mate is so riddled with logical errors...the biggest of which
is the idea that our personalities are fixed and unchanging over the course of life..."
Shauna Howarth Springer, Marriage, for Equals:  The Successful Joint (Ad)Ventures
of Well-Educated Couples, (Indianapolis:  Dog Ear Publication, 2012) 27.

"...the soul mate script is fundamentally a happily-ever-after script.
This script certainly has a place in fairy tales, but certainly not in real life."
Shauna Howarth Springer, Marriage, for Equals:  The Successful Joint (Ad)Ventures
of Well-Educated Couples, (Indianapolis:  Dog Ear Publication, 2012) 28.

MissLed women's persistent belief in the "soul mate" myth is not merely naiveté or a harmless fad or delusion. It can wound and damage families.  In fact, some MissLed women self-destructively believe that they found their longed for "soul mate" in an extramarital affair:

"The women who were having affairs said
that their feelings were unlike anything they’d experienced before.
They felt “alive” again and many believed that they had found
their soul mates. These women were experiencing feelings associated
with a chemically altered state, or what we typically refer to
as being in love. Unable to end their extramarital relationships, the women
concluded that their lovers were soul mates...Unaware that they
had become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released
during the initial stages of a relationship, they were unable to
choose." Michele Langley, Women's Infidelity, (NY: St. Martin's Press:
2005) 17.

As with "Romance," those MissLed women who believe there's a "soul mate" out there waiting
for them are demonstrating Egocentric thinking. It is their self-centered yearning for an intensely
powerful pleasure - to be in love for the sake of being in love.  Most often, it is actually
a childish, manic pursuit of a false emotional high.  In fact, there's no such thing
as a ready-made "soul mate." If anything, a partner can only delusionally be seen as one
(or, "the one") after that fact.  MissLed women's soul mate belief has the worrisome tendency to limit their level of commitment, increase their anxiety level, and lessen their willingness to forgive in their relationships:

"Particularly, those who believe in soul mates tend to be less committed to a partner, particularly when there are relationship difficulties...Also, soul mate believers are often more anxious in relationships and less likely to forgive romantic partners...Overall, when the going gets tough with a partner, or requires work, soul mates tend to quit and look for the next "perfect" match."
"Overall, the message is clear, looking for perfect compatibility and a soul mate kills motivation to work at successful relationships with good partners. In the long run, adopting a belief in romantic growth and cultivation is much more rewarding, especially for those interested in long-term relationships. However, compared to soul mates, a belief in growth does take more work, effort, and a desire to change."
"Why You Shouldn't Believe in Soul Mates:  The pros and cons of believing in romantic destiny,"
Published on July 9, 2012 by Jeremy Nicholson, M.S.W., Ph.D.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201207/why-you-shouldnt-believe-in-soul-mates


WHY DOES SOUL MATE SOLIPSISM MATTER?
MissLed women who seek "soul mate" love often instead find an illusion of love.  In truth, they'd be far better served to be content with a more realistic - and more difficult to
find and maintain - mature, companionate love.
MissLed women's staunch belief in the "soul mate" myth sets them up for dashed hopes
and, too often, long-term failure in their relationships.  Their passive longing for a "soul mate," when combined with their unrealistic
expectations, leaves many MissLed women nearly powerless to maximize their chances for long-term success in  love relationships:

"We grow up on fairy tales and movies in which magical forces help people
find their soul mates, with whom they effortlessly live happily ever after.
The fairy tales leave us powerless, putting our love lives into the hands
of the Fates."  “How Science Can Help You Fall in Love,” by Robert Epstein, Scientific American Mind, January/February 2010, pg. 31.