Victim Thinking, Egocentric Thinking, Irrational Thinking, Wishful Thinking, Group Thinking, PC Thinking
"The intent of expression is to demonstrate the logic of your thinking while having people recognize that your ideas are compelling, credible, or valid. This approach causes people to want to explore and understand your thinking." John R. Stoker, Overcoming Fake Talk: How to Hold REAL Conversations that Create Respect, Build Relationships, and Get Results, (Springville, UT: Light Storm Consulting, 2013) 160.
"It's certainly not trendy to speak well these days." Jordan Christy, How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World, (NY: Hatchette Book Group, 2009) 46.
"Women’s traditional way of speaking puts them at a serious disadvantage. Using nonassertive speech patterns undermines their competence and status at work and diminishes their influence in relationships." Judith Selee McClure, PhD., Civilized Assertiveness for Women, (Denver: Albion Street Press, 2003) 2.
When it comes to communication - written and spoken - once again, too many women have been given misleading information and advice. In fact, MissLed women's mishandling of communication is serious enough to warrant a new term - Misscommunication: Women's lack of clear communication, or a failure to communicate effectively that, unfortunately is all-too-common among MissLed women. This often results in the distortion or blockage of the meaning of their words. The recipients tend to perceive to find their statements confusing, unintelligible or incomprehensible. Effective communication promotes understanding and shares meaning. When it lacks effectiveness and clarity, however, myriad misunderstandings, confounding confusions, fractious frictions and fruitless frustrations follow.
Misscommunication is the most obvious symptom of the overall decline in MissLed women's beliefs and behaviors. This regrettable society-wide shift largely stems from the types of beliefs and behaviors sanctioned (and even encouraged) by other women. The shift is spread by the "mind your own business" and "don't judge" views now prevalent amongst many women and men. In fact, too many MissLed women speak in any way they please. They wrongheadedly believe it to be justified to express themselves when, where, and how they see fit. This is especially true when it comes to opinions - hence the oft-repeated, misplaced mantra, "Everyone is entitled to their opinion." Unfortunately, their expressions and opinions too often include ignorance, incivility and, increasingly, even vulgarity. Indeed, for too many MissLed women, such misguided misscommunication results from their habit of thinking and therefore acting impulsively:
"One of the basic causes for all the trouble in the world today is that people talk too much and think too little. They act impulsively without thinking." - US Senator Margaret Chase Smith
Christine K. Jahnke, The Well-Spoken Woman, (Amerherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2011) 153.
The fallout from MissLed women's misscommunication - in both the spoken and written word - is not limited to their personal and professional lives. It also has had a significant impact on the continued erosion of the English language. Witness the increased use of vapid Buzz-phrases, euphemisms, acronyms, and shortcuts. Many of MissLed women's favorite words and phrases serve as linguistic smile buttons that attempt to camouflage reality. There's an increasing number of MissLed
women utilizing far too much frivolous and emotional language - FLUFF, EUPHEMISMS,
DOUBLESPEAK, WEASEL WORDS, and CHILDISH ACRONYMS. While such expressions provide short-term benefits, such misscommunications do little to enlighten or inform its audience in the long-run.
In today's communication climate of increasingly sophisticated spin and propaganda, MissLed women are quite vulnerable. There are numerous forms of hyperbole, manipulative rhetoric of Politicians, biased information, and bombastic lies told - and sold - by media and marketers. Often, these are far too slick for MissLed women to properly scrutinize. Indeed, the emotional persuasiveness of modern (mostly visual) communication seduces too many MissLed women.
Ironically, today's MissLed women misscommunicate from an odd combination of misplaced brashness and exaggerated fear. Their boorish brashness is shown when they choose to use vulgar language, stridently insist on being heard, or speak too loudly or at inappropriate times. In contrast, their fearfulness tends to stifle their willingness to communicate clearly and assertively.
MissLed women are fearful that what they choose to write or say has a profound impact on how they are perceived. As a consequence, they too often decide to play it safe - their choice leads them to speak or write in manner that is largely a flurry of sweet sounding fluff.
Fluff is a mode of speaking and writing consisting largely of spin, hype or irrelevance. It is common in academia and with advertisers and marketers. Most likely, some MissLed women have adopted the habit of speaking in fluff due to their inroads in universities (both as students and professors) and the workplace. It is spoken as a form of exaggerating praise that often ignores or downplays opposing viewpoints or evidence to the contrary.
"Fluff is a form of gibberish masquerading as strategic concepts or arguments. It uses "Sunday" words (words that are inflated or unnecessarily abstruse) and apparently esoteric concepts to create the illusion of high-level thinking." Richard Rumelt, Good Strategy, Bad Strategy: The Difference and Why It Matters, (NY: Crown Business, 2011) 32.
"Fluff is superficial restatement of the obvious combined with a generous sprinkling of
buzzwords. Fluff masquerades as expertise, thought, and analysis." Richard Rumelt, Good Strategy, Bad Strategy: The Difference and Why It Matters, (NY: Crown Business, 2011) 37.
Sugarcoating is also a common habit of speech among MissLed women. Fear and avoidance are
usually at the root of misscommunication. In this case, their fear of being perceived as unappealing or unpleasant leads them to sugarcoat. They lack the courage to speak plainly of harsh or unpleasant realities. Specific motivations for sugarcoating include:
•to avoid hurting feelings
•their fear of judgment
•to get what they want/manipulate
•to avoid looking foolish
•to avoid conflict, disagreement, or feeling anger
•to ensure that things turn out alright for them
•to avoid feeling out of control
Euphemisms are another communication habit among MissLed women's communication that involve an avoidance mechanism. These act as substitutions for those expressions that may offend or suggest something unpleasant to the receiver. Instead of direct language, an agreeable or less
offensive expression is used. To speak or write in euphemisms serves MissLed women's purpose - to avoid conflict or the frank discussion of unpleasant subjects. The goal of euphemisms often is to pacify the reader or audience, in order to make an unpleasant reality seem more palatable.
In fairness, some use of euphemisms by both women and men is desirable. They can be beneficial when used to amuse, or to soften an otherwise cruel or harsh term. Many other euphemisms, however, are communicated solely for selfish purposes. Their purpose is to evade, or worse still, to mislead:
"There is a place for euphemism in language, but we have to be careful that euphemistic usage doesn't become a way of evading what really is at issue." Deborah J. Bennett, Logic Made Easy: How to Know When Language, (NY: W.W. Norton & Company, 2004) 18.
"Euphemisms...may not just soften meaning but invert it." Robert Trivers, The Folly of Fools: The Logic of Deceit and Self-Deception, (NY: Basic Books, 2011) 161.
MissLed women also overuse euphemisms for the purpose of gaining credit for being perceived as "sensitive," caring, and polite. In most cases, however, once more, fear is the genuine motivation.
In truth, what they most dread is facing a harsh reality:
"I don't like words that hide the truth. I don't like words that conceal reality. I don't like euphemisms, or euphemistic language. And American English is loaded with euphemisms. Cause Americans have a lot of trouble dealing with reality. Americans have trouble facing the truth, so they invent the kind of a soft language to protect themselves from it, and it gets worse with every generation."
"Partly cloudy became partly sunny. Motels became motor lodges. House trailers became mobile homes. Used cars became previously owned transportation. Room service became guest-room dining. And constipation became occasional irregularity. When I was a little kid, if I got sick they wanted me to go to the hospital and see a doctor. Now they want me to go to a health maintenance organization...or a wellness center to consult a health care delivery professional. Poor people used to live in slums. Now the economically disadvantaged occupy substandard housing in the inner
cities. And they're broke! They're broke! They don't have a negative cash-flow
position." - Legendary Comedian George Carlin
Indeed, the overuse of euphemisms by misguided men and MissLed women has resulted
in an absurd dilution of the meaning and impact of many words:
"There is...something that has been aptly called the euphemism treadmill, in which each new euphemism soon becomes tainted by what it refers to so that a new euphemism must be invented to take its place. "Garbage collection" becomes "sanitation work," which morphs into "environmental services." "Toilet" turns into "bathroom" (so you are washing in there), which turns into "restroom" (so you are taking a nap in there)...It seems as if we are RUNNING FROM THE NEGATIVE CONNOTATION OF WORDS, with no net progress." Robert Trivers, The Folly of Fools: The Logic of Deceit and Self-Deception, (NY: Basic Books, 2011) 161-162.
Too many MissLed women are misusing and overusing euphemisms (and responding positively to the media's increasing use of them). This unfortunate result of the spread of euphemistic language is that truth that increasingly is buried beneath soft-sounding jargon.
Some examples of MissLed women's preference for softer-sounding language:
- Between Jobs
- Passed to the "other side" or departed
- Sleeping with or "make love"
- Expecting
- Pre-owned
- Exotic Dancer or Gentleman's Club
- Bath tissue
For MissLed women, such euphemisms are used as linguistic brooms, used to try to sweep everything unpleasant or frightening - from taxes to sex to death - under the rug. In their world of euphemisms, the most fearful terms such as death insurance are mislabeled "life insurance," while a woman's deliberate indecent exposure becomes downplayed as a "wardrobe malfunction."
Doublespeak is language that is deliberately constructed to disguise or distort its actual meaning.
It often results in a communication bypass. With their recent significant inroads into many levels of
business and government, some MissLed women have adopted this unfortunate habit. Bald euphemisms such as "rightsizing" for (firing of many employees) are and increasingly common type of doublespeak. Other examples of doublespeak include:
•"New and improved":
Used when the product is more likely to be smaller, more expensive and less useful.
•"Move on":
Said by those who want to be able to make the same mistakes over and over without being held accountable for them.
•"Move Forward":
This cliché' form of doublespeak is simply unnecessary and meaningless padding (is there another direction but forward?).
.
Weasel Words are another form of MissLed women's miscommunication. The manipulation of
others is usually their intention.- Weasel words tend to be spoken in a sneaky or underhanded manner. Some weasel words have the effect of softening the impact of a potentially loaded or otherwise controversial statement through some form of understatement. Others can imply meaning far beyond the claim actually being made. Common weasel words used by MissLed women include "basically," "maybe," "might," "more or less," "somewhat," or "not too bad." Other examples of weasel words include:
"Clearly..." (As if the premise is undeniably true)
"I heard that..." (Who told you? Is the source reliable?)
"Sorry" is yet another common misscommunication. In many MissLed women's personal lives, "sorry" is said in order to give the appearance of regret, when it is in fact as a weasel word. It is said for image purposes - so they that appear to be meek and mild. Many of them begin the "sorry" habit or tactic as young girls and continue it into adulthood. Indeed, too often, MissLed women blunder - or, much worse - deliberately miscommunicate - when they choose to apologize:
"Insincere apologies can be worse than none at all..." "The Act of Apologizing," by Mary Loftus, Psychology Today, March/April 2013, pg. 68
"When girls use apology as a way to show power, confrontations are resolved according to who has more of it...When a conflict's resolution is about power, the question of right and wrong is sidestepped, creating a profound distortion of what apology is meant to be." Rachel Simmons, The Curse of the Good Girl, (NY: Penguin Press, 2009) 72.
"Apologizing is one thing; exculpating yourself is quite another...This muddying of the waters of apology is common." P.M. Forni, Choosing Civility, (NY: St. Martin's Griffin, 2003) 101.
MissLed women apologize often - or expect too many apologies - because they are too sensitive to
giving offense, or being offended. Taking their cue by how some women and most men perceive
apology would help them communicate more effectively:
"Men apologize less frequently than women because they have a higher threshold for what
constitutes offense." "The Act of Apologizing," by Mary Loftus, Psychology Today, March/April 2013, pg. 68
Other wimpy phrases and weak words commonly heard from MissLed women include:
"That's sad," "So sad," "Hopefully," "Really?", "I'll try," "I think," "I wish," "Like I said,"
"Why can't you?," "No way!," "Sort of," "Pretty Much," "Pretty sure," "I guess," "I'm not sure,"
"It doesn't matter," and "We'll see."
All of these publicly communicate MissLed women's glaring lack of confidence in their convictions and a their deficiency ability to express their opinions.
Finally, there's one most prominent and all-too-common and self-damaging, wimpy phrase
uttered by MissLed women:
"It's not fair!"
How naïve that MissLed women EXPECT that any situation - or life in general - should be. To believe in such a
statement as an adult, and to speak accordingly, is deluded and misguided. Truth be told:
"Life is not fair. But it isn't unfair either. It just is." Jesse Bering, The Belief
Instinct, (NY: W.W. Norton & Co, 2011) 133.
Indeed, the persistent clamor for fairness is a recurring refrain with MissLed women. To lament and complain about fairness is both childish and ineffective. It is an unwarranted and unwelcome
spreading of misery. Whining about fairness is the kind of language that speaks of MissLed women's
mindset of helplessness. In fact, to complain about unfairness is to communicate that
they are more interested in assigning blame to others than in finding solutions:
"Many people are frustrated by having an overdeveloped sense of justice;
they assume the world...should be fair...This idea of fairness is a product of
humanity's wish to simplify life.
But injustice in nature is here to stay. Each person is different; some are
mentally deficient and others are geniuses. When she hears about all men
being equal, I am sure Mother Nature has to hold back a chuckle." Riggs Webster
Jr., The You You Don't Know: Covert Influences on Your Behavior, (Amherst,
NY: Prometheus Books, 1997) 120-121.
MissLed women's outspoken cries for fairness can be explained by the common belief in the Just-world phenomenon. It is a mindset of wishful thinking, wherein people get what they deserve and deserve what they get. Despite the lack of any evidence for this longing, MissLed women often stubbornly cling to the belief that the world is ultimately just.
Yet another mantra-like expression commonly spoken by MissLed women is
"Don't judge!" This PC mantra is also a clamor for their misguided version of
fairness. By imploring others to not "judge," however, they are showing that they don't
understand the distinction between prudent discernment and the unjust and premature judging of others. The former is wise and just, while the latter is unwise and unjust. For MissLed women,
"Don't judge!" is expressed nearly ANY time their or another person's behavior is under scrutiny.
Tellingly, some MissLed women use the term "Don't judge!" as a form of self-defense. They'll trudge out the phrase and use it like a club in order to silence any suspected detractors. "You have no right to judge me" is usually the wording they favor. This translates roughly to, "I want to do whatever I want and have no consequences whatsoever... You are raining on my parade by speaking against me doing whatever I want."
In fairness, an aversion to "judging" isn't limited to MissLed women. Many Americans suffer from a fear of judging. In their misguided and misinformed mindsets, passing judgment on the behavior of fellow human beings is considered an act of medieval, undemocratic intolerance. Why? Because, the culture says, everyone is flawed, and those with flaws have no right to judge other people's flaws. Furthermore, many Americans now believe that there are no objective standards by which to judge. Hence, since there are no standards, there is nothing by which they can prudently discern or measure ("judge") behavior.
Despite this cultural expectation, however, people DO and MUST continue to judge actions. Fair and
accurate judgments are, in fact, informed opinions. Prudent, sober minded people determine their judgments after they have made a serious effort to know the facts. Any lazy or biased fool can have opinions; making judgments is the hard work of responsible and compassionate people. To not judge actions means that danger signals are too often ignored, or toxic associations often linger - with the wrong kind of people:
"...for many Americans nonjudgmentalism has become a cardinal virtue...Thou shall be nice" is the new categorical imperative." Christina Hoff Sommers and Sally Satel, M.D., One Nation Under Therapy: How the Helping Culture is Eroding Self-Reliance, (NY: St Martin's Griffin, 2005) 6.
MissLed women are too quick to mislabel or misidentify statements about others as "judgmental."
Typically, if someone expresses an opinion (especially one they dislike) during an argument, they quickly accuse them of being "judgmental." In fact, they are wrongheaded. They are actually misconstruing other people's opinions as judgments. In fact, any judgment made is merely a value decision. MissLed women have largely abandoned any positive connotation of this word. This is to their detriment. Such a failure in analysis is a case where they throw the baby out with the bathwater.
"I don't judge!" is exclaimed MissLed women when seek to avoid the effort involved in discernment. This claim can be quite a dangerous. Bypassing the option of discerning whether someone's behavior is harmful to themselves and others is fraught with peril. It's also damaging in that, with so many avoiding any judgments, standards of acceptable behavior drop lower and
lower. In fact, the growing problem now is that many MissLed women and misguided men are
NOT judging when it is appropriate:
"Many people are unwilling to make judgments about what is good and bad, right or wrong, even in matter of great importance, even for themselves - never mind for others or for others as a whole."
Leon Kass, Life Liberty & the Defense of Dignity: The Challenge for Bioethics, (San Francisco, Encounter Books, 2002) 7.
As a result, too many women ignore readily apparent red flags in the behavior of their co-workers, friends and lovers. This can result in their associating with the toxic or dangerous people. Too many women have forgotten the folk wisdom contained in the cautionary phrase, "If you lie down with dogs, you'll get fleas:"
"For self-preservation purposes...making moral judgments about others and ourselves is essential to
mental and social well-being as well as spiritual and moral grounds." Paul Pearsall, The Last Self-Help Book You'll Ever Need, (NY: Basic Books, 2005) 6.
"To condemn someone for harming others not only shows proper compassion, it also shows respect for the offender by holding him accountable and capable of doing better. There is nothing mean about a judgmental insistence that our fellow citizens are morally responsible to others and to themselves. Personal responsibility cannot be compromised without indignity and injustice for all." Christina Hoff Sommers and Sally Satel, M.D., One Nation Under Therapy: How the Helping Culture is Eroding Self-Reliance, (NY: St Martin's Griffin, 2005) 109.
"It is virtually impossible for us not to make judgments about people and situations. We judge, diagnose, (and in turn get diagnosed) all the time."
Ori Brafman, Rom Brafman, Sway: The Irresistible Pull of Irrational Behavior, (NY: Doubleday, 2008) 177.
In addition to discerning behavior, the careful "judgment" of ideas is also desirable. Despite
what many MissLed women proclaim, all ideas are not worthy of respect or attention. In fact, for the good of society, ideas must stand or fall solely on their merits:
"Ideas range in quality from profound to ridiculous, helpful to harmful, ennobling to degrading. It is therefore appropriate to pass judgment on them. However, fairness demands that you base your judgment on thoughtful consideration of the overall strengths and weaknesses of the ideas, not on your initial impressions or feelings." Vincent Ruggiero, Beyond Feelings: A Guide to Critical Thinking, (NY: McGraw Hill, 2004) 24-25.
Truth is, MissLed women (and many others) misunderstand the often-cited biblical verse of "do not judge, lest you be judged." In fact, it is more accurately interpreted as, "do not condemn." In fact, adult citizens have a societal duty to avoid prematurely condemning others. They also have the unpleasant responsibility to not let fear stop them from properly denouncing behaviors that are destructive, harmful, or rude or inconsiderate of others. What stops many MissLed women from judging? Many uncritically accept the little-questioned assumption that judgment is somehow "negative" and undesirable, demeans the other person.
Unfortunately, too many MissLed women are being cowed by our culture’s “do not judge” norm.
They have accepted, many without realizing it, the modern prejudice against prudent judgment (which, ironically, many wrongly disparage as "prejudice.") This moral cowardice leads them away from fulfilling their civic responsibility. Instead of standing up for justice, refuse to call evil by its right name. Instead, they excuse it, ignore it, or overlook it. They wrongheadedly assume that those that are indisputably behaving badly are really just wounded souls, who can be healed with unconditional love.
Such a lack of communication of judgment only HURTS themselves. It merely serves to enable those who behave badly people to keep doing so - without shame, without fear of being "judged."
In a similar vein of misguided proclamations of virtue, many MissLed women proudly insist:
"I'm a tolerant person":
A phrase that is sufficiently vague that they can plausibly claim it whenever it is convenient
to them. Some MissLed women who proclaim their support for "tolerance" are merely seeking
popularity, They are only pretending to be virtuous. Others who communicate "tolerance" are, in fact,
masking their own arrogance:
"Tolerance" of other people and their way of being in the world suggest a subtle form of superiority to anyone else's" (when it is actually arrogance, a feeling of superiority and/or ignorance of the bad side of "tolerating" sometimes subtle, yet evil, behaviors). Richard Carlson, You Can Be Happy No Matter What, (Novato, CA: New World Library, 2006) 53.
When discussing someone's opinion or judgment that displeases them, MissLed women too often
use the phrase, "That's your opinion," or - even more condescendingly - "You're entitled to your opinion." These phrases are often misguided in that they imply that all opinions are valuable:
"Common sayings (such) as "Isn't that just a matter of opinion?" and "Everyone has a
right to their opinion" and "Well, that may be your view, but I have a right to my opinion"
seem to suggest that one opinion is just as good as another. But because our beliefs guide
our attitudes and actions, that view is simply not correct." Trudy Govier, A Practical Study
of Argument (Belmont, CA: Wadsorth, Ceneage Learning, 2010) 4.
These phrases are often indicative of MissLed women's arrogant unwillingness to sincerely and respectfully consider the other's point of view. Meanwhile, MissLed women insist that their concerns are listened to, and that their opinions truly matter - however undeserving and whimsical they may be:
"Certainly, anyone can have an opinion on any subject, but uniformed opinions are nearly worthless. An opinion is just a statement of personal WHIM and preference, and need not be based in the slightest on logic, fact, intelligence, or good reason." John D. Mullen, Hard Thinking: The Reintroduction of Logic Into Everyday Life, (Lanham, MD: Lowman & Littlefield
Publishing Group, 1995) 104-105.
They misguidedly feel that an entitlement to express an opinion implies that
it is prudent for them to always express it:
"Is everyone entitled to his or her opinion? In a free country, this is not only permitted but guaranteed...Free societies are based on the wise observation that people have an inalienable right to think their own thoughts and make their own choices. That fact in no way suggests that the thoughts they think and the choices they make will be reasonable." John D. Mullen, Hard Thinking: The Reintroduction of Logic Into Everyday Life, (Lanham, MD: Lowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, 1995) 105.
In other words, MissLed women's opinions don't have a sufficient grounding in reality. Too often, for MissLed women, Offering misguided ideas and solutions or suggestions in simplistic language only hurts their causes and damages their reputations. Indeed, partisanship and passion (instead of logic and reason) too often drives their desire to express their opinion:
"It is dangerous to be careless and freewheeling with about our opinions. What we think
is important. Our thinking affects how we understand ourselves, conduct our lives, and
interact with the world in which we live. The point of arguing and evaluating arguments
is to reach opinions based on reasoned reflection and good judgment." Trudy Govier, A Practical Study of Argument, (Belmont, CA: Wadsorth, Ceneage Learning, 2010) 4.
"The problem with “I’m entitled to my opinion” is that, all too often, it’s used to shelter beliefs that should have been abandoned. It becomes shorthand for “I can say or think whatever I like” – and by
extension, continuing to argue is... somehow disrespectful. And this attitude feeds, I suggest, into the false equivalence between experts and non-experts that is an increasingly pernicious feature of our public discourse." "No, you're not entitled to your opinion," by Patrick Stokes, 5 October 2012,
http://theconversation.com/no-youre-not-entitled-to-your-opinion-9978
"People have always taken their opinions seriously, but today many embrace their opinions with extraordinary passion. "I have a right to my opinion" and "Everyone's entitled to his or her opinion" are common expressions. Question another person's opinion and you're likely to hear, "Well, that's my O-P-I-N-I-O-N." The unspoken message is "Case closed." Vincent Ruggiero,
Beyond Feelings: A Guide to Critical Thinking, (NY: McGraw Hill, 2004) 51.
Such is the language of undeveloped and unenlightened, MissLed minds.
Misscommunications can occur in matters of tremendous import. On the other hand,
they can occur over more frivolous matters. In any case, the damage from their widespread use
to the reputation of the intelligence and integrity of those MissLed women who express them is
significant. Two particular phrases exemplify the lowest forms of misscommunciation:
1. "Whatever":
"...the expression that virtually defines a generation. Apathetic. Dismissive. Compliant. Without passion, affect, or energy. It's the sound of hostility and resignation rolled into one locution."
Hara Estroff Marano, A Nation of Wimps, (NY, Broadway Books, 2008) 158.
"Whatever" is often verbalized by hostile MissLed women who seek to shut down discussion. Similarly, in an argument, they express it in an attempt to avoid difficult, controversial subjects
or hurt feelings. Most seriously, "whatever" is their arrogant declaration of contempt. It is cowardly and dishonest indication of their inability to admit their own errors or failures. Regardless of their intentions, MissLed women often accompany this expression with an eye roll and a wave of the hand.
2. "Just Sayin':"
A puckish disclaimer that MissLed women convey. Their message essentially is, "I have no vested interest in what I've just said. The preceding thought was meant only to be informative and, in fact, I might not even believe what I just said." A pre-emptive strike, "Just sayin'" is MissLed women's cynical denial of concern or engagement. It is often used sarcastically and passive-aggressively. When used as the last phrase in a comment, 'Just sayin' seeks to disavow responsibility
for the preceding communication. Ironically, the results from his communication are often self-defeating. The recipients certainly are rarely fooled. Many quickly and accurately perceive 'Just Sayin' as obnoxious and flippant. If MissLed women persist on using this term, they will again lose respect and credibility. If they do not stand by what they say, then their words will be seen as having no weight. No one else will stand by them or their statements either. In plain words - they shouldn't
speak or write in such a cowardly fashion. If they are too afraid to face criticism for their words,
then they are better served to remain silent:
"Its risibility is clear. If you didn't mean what you said or if there was no import
to it, don't say it. Why say it? Don't say it. But worse than that, you obviously
did mean what you said so don't veil it with pretending you didn't."
"Phrases To Be Banned: Just Sayin’," by Joshua David Stein, May 18, 2009
http://gawker.com/5259560/phrases-to-be-banned-just-sayin
With society fully immersed in political correctness, people are hesitant to express a thought or opinion if it's likely to be interpreted as "negative," "mean," or "offensive." The phrase "just sayin" plays a helpful role in this situation. It serves as a quick way to negate a provocative statement, by letting the listener know "Hey, no hard feelings intended. "What I just said was harsh, but it's the truth. Don't be mad." It indicates how little stomach many MissLed women have for people to dislike them. MissLed women use it as a "fire escape" in order to disown any
insult taken from what they say. Simply put, it's a cowardly euphemism for "Don't shoot the messenger."
Similarly, "just kidding" or "only kidding" are cowardly phrases too often expressed by MissLed women. They'll exclaim them when they actually intend to put another person down. It is a tactical expression, used when they try to cover their tracks:
"Whenever you hear "I was only kidding," what you are really hearing is "I am not kidding:
I am resentful, insecure, or just plain angry at you - and that is no joke."
Lillian Glass, Toxic People, (NY: St. Martin's Press, 1995) 34.
"People who say or do a mean thing to you, then tell you that they were "only kidding"
are revealing a lot. They are telling you how negatively they really feel about you."
Lillian Glass, Toxic People, (NY: St. Martin's Press, 1995) 33.
Ironically, "just" is often spoken for unjust purposes. "Just" is often said in an attempt
minimize what was previously said, or downplay that which will shortly be said. MissLed women who misuse
this term tend to lack confidence and conviction in their opinions or statements. In fact, they often utilize "Just..." to rationalize, or explain away misguided ideas. Two examples are:
1. "Just friends":
Some MissLed women use this phrase to deny that they are in a romantic or sexual relationship.
The "just friends" exclamation is their attempt to convince others of the platonic nature
of a relationship with a man. Quite often, however, MissLed women are aware such men are not, in fact, content with being "just friends."
2."Just Have Fun":
MissLed women's all-too-common expression of their desire for fun and pleasure. Unfortunately for them, MissLed women who seek to "just have fun" often find genuine happiness elusive. Their common use of this phrase shows that many fundamentally misunderstand the value difference between mere pleasant experiences and authentic happiness:
"Sometimes we confuse having fun with being happy. The latter is virtually impossible without a personal history of restraint and discipline. Sometimes in order to reach happiness we must forgo
fun." P.M. Forni, Choosing Civility, (NY: St. Martin's Griffin, 2003) 21.
Perhaps the most telling and disturbing indication of MissLed women's problem with misscommunication lies with their misguided adoption of lingo from the likes of Paris Hilton and
her ilk:
"Let's toss out the "likes" and the "OMGs" and replace them with wittiness and aptitude. Let's speak lovely, ingenious words that make others sit up and take notice. Let's flip off the tube and crack open a book." Jordan Christy, How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World, (NY: Hatchette Book Group, 2009) 65.
Four of the most common Hiltonisms that many MissLed women embrace include:
1. "Amazing":
This seems to be the only adjective many MissLed women seem to know. They (over) use it to describe anything and everything. They seem unaware of its synonyms, which include: Wonderful, fantastic, brilliant, exceptional, excellent, incredible, unique, different, awesome, or terrific. Most often, ironically, they are merely describing as "amazing" most often is actually something that is merely above average. This fact, and the overuse of this word, serves to diminish any impact that they may have meant to convey by saying or writing it. In fact, the nauseatingly consistent overuse of "Amazing" merely further demonstrates their mental laziness and lack of originality with words and phrases.
2. "Like":
This juvenile word is spoken by MissLed women (and many misguided men) in order to buy time. The "like" pause in speech allows them to think in mid-sentence. A "like" is needed by them because they mistakenly place insufficient emphasis on thinking before speaking. Many lack the ability to hold listener's attention. As a result, they can't fluently structure thoughts into expressive sentences.
Unsurprisingly, perceptive clients, bosses, and key members of their work environment are quite unimpressed by anyone who uses the word "like." It is seen by them as an indication of flightiness, poor vocabulary and unimpressive overall communication skills. A "Like" habit indicates that they lack confidence in their ability to express or write their own thoughts (people tend to write like they speak).
3. "OMG!":
Oh My Gawd! Another overused, childish-sounding phrase too prevalent among MissLed women.
All-too-often, they say or write "OMG!" to exaggeratedly express various emotions - such as surprise, anger, outrage, exasperation, delight, fright, shock, or fascination. Despite its obvious silliness, those who seek attention for their dramatizing insist in expressing it far too frequently.
4. "BFF":
MissLed women describe their supposed "Best Friend Forever" with this acronym. Tellingly, they conveniently expect their "BFF" to always be there for THEM. Consistent with their MissLed mindset, their BFFs must always and forever "support" them, and must never "judge" them. Further, they must unconditionally love and accept them as they are. As these four terms demonstrate, too many MissLed women are wandering around sounding like empty-headed valley girls. Not choosing or striving to speak or write maturely and thoughtfully is a significant problem for too many MissLed women. It demonstrates that they too often miscommunicate from a dangerous combination of flippant ignorance and misplaced arrogance. Many are even unjustly proud to speak
this way - perfectly content with their utter failure with effective communication.
In addition, seven "I" phrases exemplify some MissLed women's self-absorption when miscommunicating:
1. "I'm spiritual":
This is a vague, safe, and noble-sounding declaration. MissLed women who claim to be
"spiritual" signify their emotional attachment to a belief in a benevolent higher power. Many do so
in order to project to others a self-image of depth and goodness. In their worldview, a person who is longing for meaning and truth is one of value. Perhaps; perhaps not. For some MissLed women, this phrase in fact often indicates quite something else: their egotism. In truth, proclaiming themselves "spiritual" can serve whatever purposes they deem fit. Being known as a "spiritual" women instead of a religious one is one popular choice. By doing so, they can appear and sound sophisticated - at least to some. It has the additional convenient benefit of requiring nothing of them in terms of sacrifices or rituals. Such a vague declaration enables them to avoid the challenges of being accountable to a community:
"Being a spiritual Lone Ranger fits the tenor of our times, says June-Ann Greeley, a theology and philosophy professor. "Religion demands that we accord to human existence some absolutes and eternal truths, and in a post-modern culture, that becomes all but impossible," says Greeley, who teaches at Sacred Heart University in Connecticut.
It's much easier for "spiritual" people to go on "spiritual walkabouts," Greeley says.
"People seem not to have the time nor the energy or interest
to delve deeply into any one faith or religious tradition,"
Greeley says. "So they move through, collecting ideas and
practices and tenets that most appeal to the self, but making
no connections to groups or communities."
Religion is hard," he says. "Sometimes it's just too much work.
People don't feel like it. I have better things to do with my
time. It's plain old laziness."
"Are there dangers in being 'spiritual but not religious?"
June 03, 2010 by John Blake, CNN
http://articles.cnn.com/2010-06-03/living/spiritual.but.not.religious_1_spiritual-community-religious-
Claiming to be "spiritual," then, is some MissLed women's way to express their desire for meaning
and purpose without incurring unpleasant obligations:
"...they do not want to be excessively bound by the moral teachings imposed by religion, even
though the are perfectly free to enter and exit the denomination of the choice whenever they wish." Francis Fukurama, The Great Disruption: Human Nature and the Reconstitution of Social Order, (NY: Touchstone, 1999) 48.
2. "I'm a Nice Person":
Most people proclaim themselves "nice" - including nearly all MissLed woman. Of course, the truth is that even those who act with cruelty are often oblivious of or in denial of any wrongdoing. Few malevolent or selfish people see themselves objectively:
"From the person who cuts you off on the highway all the way to the Nazis who ran the concentration camps, most people think they are good people and that their actions are motivated by good reasons." Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom, (NY: Basic Books, 2006) 63.
"Even people who appear aggressive, stubborn, and selfish see themselves (or wish they could) as nice people." Richard Carlson, You Can Be Happy No Matter What, (Novato, CA: New World Library, 2006) 88.
3. "I work hard":
This claim is stated as if it is a badge of pride by nearly every gainfully employed MissLed woman.
In truth, what's really the case for most isn't accurately described as hard work. Many are merely in the self-imposed habit of moving through life quickly. After completing their work for the day, they tend to fill their remaining schedule with various activities(many of which are voluntary or even trivial). Many are doing so out of their misunderstanding of which of their chosen tasks are
essential, and which are better done without. Their choice to opt for constant busyness gives them the misimpression that they are "working hard." By making this claim, however, they not only exaggerate their own workload, but also demonstrate their ignorance of what hard work REALLY entails. Who then, really works hard? Combat soldiers, coal miners, nurses, oil riggers, fishermen, and ditch diggers.
4. "I'm stressed out":
Often, this communication immediately follows the equally dubious claim of "I work hard." This
is yet another example of MissLed women's silly propensity for exaggeration. Often, this overly dramatic phrase is sloppily used when, in fact, MissLed women merely feel somewhat flustered:
"How many times have you heard the statement, "I got stressed out today"? What does that statement really mean? Was it "I felt overwhelmed" or "I was really angry" or "I was tired?" Instead of using a more precise word to describe our situation, we just substitute the word "stress." Instead of "Things were busy today" we say "It was a stressful day. Instead of "I got frustrated at the boss," it becomes, "The boss stressed me out." We often use the word stress when we mean we are physically tense, but even the tension reflects something else, such as fear or anger or exhaustion. In other words, stress is used in incredibly sloppy ways. It is both the something that happens to us (boss yells a lot), or it is our emotional reaction to the something that happens to us (boss yells a lot)." Scott Sheperd, Ph. D., Who's in Charge: Attacking the Stress Myth, (Highland City, FL: Rainbow Books, 2003) 15.
In fact, they'll often claim to be "stressed out" when they are actually merely dealing with a mild challenge. Some MissLed women proclaim it in order to deflect away responsibility:
"But how real is stress? ...The word "stress" ... is meant to convey a highly subjective psychological condition, which in turn is meant to lift the burden of responsibility for the quality of our thinking and decisions from our shoulders." Michael R. LeGault, Think, (NY: Threshold Editions, 2006) 161.
MissLed women often blame "stress" for many of their self-inflicted problems:
"Stress has gone from a psychological process, during which certain hormones are released into the body, to some vague, malevolent force running rampant in life. In fact, stress now means so many different things, I don't think it means anything at all. And yet we blame stress for most of our problems." Scott Sheperd, Ph. D., Who's in Charge: Attacking the Stress Myth, (Highland City, FL: Rainbow Books, 2003) 14.
"We are born to be stressed...Yet..."Stress has virtually become a dirty word, synonymous with trauma, but that's only because so many people don't handle it well or even understand its function. Stress is a necessary accompaniment to daily life. Under normal conditions, we are primed to tolerate stress, and at manageable levels stress forces maturation and integration. It stimulates self-organization. It is a motivator and encourages us to reach beyond our current level of accommodation to life." Hara Estroff Marano, A Nation of Wimps, (NY, Broadway Books, 2008) 211-212.
The are three additional misscommunications that display MissLed women fear of
uncomfortable or difficult situations in conversation:
"I've been busy,"
"I'll call you," and
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it."
Simply put, these are flaccid attempts to avoid responsibility for their rude behavior or harsh words.
In addition, there are three popular miscommunication phrases that reflect MissLed
women's Wishful Thinking:
1. "Follow your dreams," or, similarly, "You can be anything you want to be:"
These expressions are misleading, even cruel, fairly tales. They are perpetuated by the two principal
dream sellers - Hollywood and the corporate media. Unfortunately, MissLed women tend to eagerly embrace and promote them (especially to their children). They want so very much to
believe that:
"The Horatio Alger dream is alive and well." Eva S. Moskowitz, In
Therapy We Trust: America's Obsession with Self, (Baltimore: Johns Hopkins
Press, 2001) 27.
In fact, the Horatio Alger myth conveys three basic messages, “(1) each person is judged solely on her or his own merits; (2) we each have a fair opportunity to develop those merits; and (3) ultimately, merit will out. Each of them is, to be charitable, problematic. In truth, then, "Follow your dreams" is a misleadingly simplistic expression. Those who pronounce it fail to understand the gravity of the task. To reach "dreams" most people will be required to make huge sacrifices, and entail great risks. Many MissLed women are either are unaware of this or simply don't want to believe it. Truth is, it is often better to let go of a dream and put one's energies toward more realistic goals:
"In truth, if you happen to lack talent at whatever it is you want in life, and if you never stop trying to attain it, you will spend your life feeling like a movie with an out-of-sync soundtrack." Psychology Today, May/June 2012, "How to Ditch a Dream," by Augusten Burroughs, 29-30.
"It's not truth that you can do whatever you set your mind to. It is a lie that with hard work and perseverance, you can achieve anything." Psychology Today, May/June 2012, "How to Ditch a Dream," by Augusten Burroughs, 31.
Truth be told, most people don't - and won't - live a dream life. Many don't even have dreams. For most "dreams" are a luxury they can't afford. In many ways, not holding on to a "dream" is a prudent choice:
"To hew to unrealizable goals and impossible dreams of perfection is to guarantee a perpetual
sense of inadequacy..." Judith Viorst, Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow, (NY: Ballantine Books, 1986) 165.
In fact, most people cope by making the best lives they can - which can hardly be described as a "dream." Some people even have to survive long periods that can best be described as nightmares. Mature men and women realize the difference between unrealistic dreams and practical possibilities:
"Growing up means narrowing the distance between our dreams and our possibilities." Judith Viorst, Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow, (NY: Ballantine Books, 1986) 166.
"Growing up means letting go of the dreams of our childhood...Growing up means gaining the wisdom and skills to get what we want within the limitations imposed by reality - a reality which consists of diminished powers, restricted freedoms and, with the people we love, imperfect connections." Judith Viorst, Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible
Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow, (NY: Ballantine Books, 1986) 175.
2. "Everything happens for a reason":
Yeah, sure it does. MissLed women fervently wish this to be true. However, with hundreds of millions of people living lives of relentless, inexplicable pain and despair, making a compelling case that it is true is futile.
For MissLed women, this may be an understandable lie - if they only tell it to themselves. Perhaps,
for them, believing it helps them cope with the mysteries and seeming randomness of life. On the other hand, telling such a thing to a child is most cruel. Such a falsehood could easily mislead a child to unrealistically expect magical patterns of meaning and reason. This is a recipe for a premature disillusionment in their life - as soon as they discover that what they were told is patently false.
3. "It's a Miracle:"
A case of misguided hyperbole exclaimed by MissLed women to describe events that are, in fact, quite ordinary, everyday experiences. This is typically misproclaimed every time a baby is born, or someone survives by good fortune.
Two miscomunicative phrases signify how uncomfortable many MissLed women are with what
they perceive to be criticism or skepticism. "Don't be cynical,, or "Don't be negative!" are the increasingly common refrains from them. These phrases are consistent with MissLed women's strong preference for positivity. Unfortunately for them, however, what they mislabel as cynical or negative commentary can be quite valuable. In fact, skeptical analysis of information or of new acquaintances is an extremely effective way to avoid pain, costly mistakes, or even personal danger. So called "negativity" can be also prove to be quite useful. History contains numerous tragic examples where the contrarian or devil's advocate view was ignored or suppressed. If the "negative" views were paid proper heed, avoidable disasters could have been prevented. When it comes to discussing a sexual encounter, MissLed women often seek to avoid communicating their personal responsibility by the words they choose to use. Many are adept at describing casual sex in euphemistic, misleading language:
"One thing led to another"...
This phrase is often followed by:
"I slept with..."A euphemism that downplays what really happened - sex. The fact that a person "slept with" another hardly gets to the crux of the matter.
Finally, the regrettable sexual experience is typically explained away afterward as:
"It just happened..." This really appeals to MissLed women's desire to avoid responsibility and their delusional related belief in fate and destiny. Wishful thinking and irrational beliefs lead to immature, childish use of phrases and language:
"Unfortunately language is not only mankind's greatest invention; it is also the vessel of an astonishing pitch and volume of bullshit. We humans have a genius for waffle, trickery, self-deception, euphemism, and every kind of camouflaged dishonesty." Nick Webb, The Dictionary of Bullshit, (Naperville, IL: Sourcebooks, 2006) xiii.
Aside from discussing sex, too much of MissLed women's other communication is bs-ridden.
As a result, it is both self-defeating and self-deceiving:
"We may choose bullshitty words in order to fib, but the greater danger is that a bullshit-laden vocabulary has percolated so deeply into our thought processes that we can no longer recognize it for what it is. The bullshitter deceives himself as well as others." Nick Webb, The Dictionary of Bullshit, (Naperville, IL: Sourcebooks, 2006) xiii.
Articulating words clearly and effectively is a must for a person seeking to deal with a difficult issue that needs discussion. As described in the 2012 book Crucial Conversations, such a talk involves:
"A discussion between two or more people where (1) stakes are high, (2) opinions vary, and (3) emotions run high." Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, (NY: McGraw-Hill, 2012) 3.
Unfortunately for MissLed women, however, they too often are lacking in the emotional control
and fortitude required to engage in crucial conversations:
"When conversations turn from routine to crucial, we're often in trouble. That's because emotions don't exactly prepare us to converse effectively." Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, (NY: McGraw-Hill, 2012) 5.
Since these are the discussions they dread most, they often sidestep them. They are fearful so because they anticipate that such talks will be confrontational. Such an aversion costs them significantly - they forfeit the opportunity to influence.
As a consequence of this communication weakness, MissLed women put themselves in a perilous position in all aspects of their lives:
"Twenty years of research involving more than 100,000 people reveals that the key skill of effective leaders, teammates, parents, and loved ones is the capacity to address emotionally and politically risky issues. Period." Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, Al Switzler, Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High, Second Edition, (NY: McGraw-Hill, 2012) 10.
Ironically, MissLed women's avoidance of crucial conversations and their inability to communicate
effectively harm MissLed women where most of them find their greatest pleasures - their personal relationships:
"Much of male-female relationships involve an almost constant struggle to see situations and interpret comments from the other person's point of view." Zachary Shore, Blunder: Why Smart People Make Bad Decisions, (NY: Bloomsbury USA, 2008) 163.
By communicating unclearly and ineffectively, they are left unable to firmly standing up for their wants and needs in a relationship: According to Boston family therapist Terrence Real:
"Most people don't have the skill to speak up for and fight for what they want in a relationship...They don't speak up, which preserves the love but builds resentment. Resentment is a choice; living resentfully means living unhappily. Or they speak up — but are not very loving. Or they just complain. The art to speaking up is to transform a complaint into a request. Not "I don't like how you're talking to me," but "Can you please lower your voice so I can hear you better?" If you're trying to get what you want in a relationship...it's best to keep it positive and future-focused."
"Are You with the Right Mate?", By Rebecca Webber, published on January 01, 2012
http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201112/are-you-the-right-mate?page=5
MissLed women would be far better served to speak with more forethought and discretion - especially in public - until they grow sufficiently skilled in speaking forthrightly, maturely, and eloquently.
WHY DOES MISSCOMMUNICATION MATTER?
Why is the ability to communicate well so important? Communicating effectively is critical for those who want to become more persuasive, more memorable and much harder to manipulate. Simply put, status and respect are granted to those who communicate effectively. This applies both to men and women, at work and in the home. Those who don't communicate clearly are justly perceived as insincere and unworthy of respect:
"The great enemy of clear language is insincerity." - George Orwell, Politics and the English
Language and Other Essays (Oxford: Oxford U. Press, 2009) 18.
Now, more than ever, well-reasoned, clear, eloquent, and communication from women is needed in the public domain:
"Men's voices and opinions dominate our news, our policy debates,
and our political discourse." Christine K. Jahnke, The Well-Spoken Woman, (Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2011) 10.
"It's not that a woman's perspective is better. What matters is that is different."
Christine K. Jahnke, The Well-Spoken Woman, (Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2011) 15.
Ineffective communications are repairable. MissLed women have the capability to overcome the challenges involved:
"Our misunderstandings are often 'mis-listenings', themselves resulting from 'mis-expressions,'
'ill-spokens' and 'unspokens.' We are capable of learning to speak with sensitivity, force, and truth."
Thomas d'Ansembourg, Being Genuine, (Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press, 2007) 43.
If MissLed women are able to conquer their communication shortcomings, they'll receive significant rewards:
"When you express yourself in more effective ways, you'll build a reputation as someone who deserves listening ears." Steve Nakamoto, Talk Like a Winner, (Huntington, CA: Java Books, 2008) 94.
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"Thinking, reasoning, and communication are all carried out in language." John D. Mullen, Hard Thinking: The Reintroduction of Logic Into Everyday Life, (Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 1995) 115.
"...coaxing cajoling, dropping 'cute' hints, manipulating and beating around the bush are all barriers to clear communications. When something is wanted, be it change, clarification, reassurance, companionship or support, it is important that the message be direct and to the point . Speaking in generalities won't get the job done." Joel D. Block, Ph.D., Friendship: How to Give It, How to Get It, (NY: MacMillan, 1980) 187.
"When we blather about trivial things, we ourselves become trivial, for our attention gets taken up by trivialities. You become what you give your attention to." Epictetus, The Art of Living, (NY: 1995)51.
"One of the clearest marks of the moral life is right speech." 50.
"Twaddle tendency: Here, reams of words are used to disguise intellectual laziness, stupidity, or underdeveloped ideas." The Art of Thinking Clearly, 171.
"Verbal expression is the mirror of the mind. Clear thoughts become clear statements, where ambiguous ideas transform into vacant ramblings. The trouble is that, in many cases, we lack lucid thoughts." The Art of Thinking Clearly, 171.
BLAMING:
"Aside from shifting responsibility, blame is used as a way of avoiding self-examination." Joel D. Block, Ph.D., Friendship: How to Give It, How to Get It, (NY: MacMillan, 1980) 189.
"When we think we are using language, language is using us...language is like a loaded gun:
It can be fired intentionally, but it can wound or kill just as surely when fired accidentally. The
terms in which we talk about something shape the way we think about it - and even what we
see." Deborah Tannen,, The Argument Culture14.
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-merely verbalized emotions, New Age hokum, fatuous prosaicisms, brazen irrationality in their speech and writing, nonsensical spoutings are what passes for profound thought today
UNSPUN - MissLed Women in business and leadership positions err as they now misguidedly join in the Spin culture:
"Spin is a polite word for deception. Spinners MISLEAD by means that range from subtle omissions to outright lies. Spin paints a false picture of reality by bending facts, MISCHARACTERIZING the words of others, ignoring or denying crucial evidence, or just 'spinning a yarn' - by making things up."
"Misinformation is easy to accept if it reinforces what we already believe. Getting the facts right is important. It can literally save your money, your health, even your freedom."
"The notion that others will be affected by exposure to messages while we remain immune is called the third-person effect. The other side of the third-person effect is Wishful thinking...in some matters, we are unrealistic about how unrealistic we actually are."
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