(Victim Thinking, Intuitive Thinking, Egocentric Thinking, Wishful Thinking,
Adolescent Thinking)
"Most of our friendship frustrations seem to fall under five main categories - blame, jealousy, judgment, non-reciprocation, and neglect." Shasta Nelson, Friendships Don't Just Happen!: The Guide to Creating a Meaningful Circle of GirlFriends , (Nashville, TN: Turner Publishing Company, 2013) 198.
"Research suggests that there may be a growing friendship deficit with people being less able to
sustain the various relationships they make."
Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook
Press, 2009) 140.
"Adult friendships subtly steer our beliefs, our values, and even our
physical and emotional health." Carlin Flora, Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are, (NY: Doubleday, 2013) 6.
"Women's friendships are some of the most intense relationships in the universe -
both in terms of their positive, supportive aspects as well as their negative,
problematic characteristics. Women's relationships can be vital, growth-producing,
fulfilling, and joyful; but they can also be difficult, painful, and damaging."
Jan Yager, Friendshifts, (Stamford, CT: Hannacroix Creek Books, 1997) 11.
Unfortunately, when it comes to their beliefs and behaviors regarding friendships,
once again, many MissLed women struggle mightily. Yet again, many women have been given misleading advice and information from family, media, and society. Ironically, many women romanticize or even pedestalize the concept of friendship, especially that of best friends.
Unfortunately for MissLed women, in truth, their friendships are too often
frantic, frenzied, freelance, fragile, freeloading, frivolous, front-running or even
fraudulent. This is a serious deficiency for them, for friendships are crucial for well-being. In fact, they are associated with some of the best parts of life:
"Time with friends is actually our most pleasant time: We are most likely to experience positive feelings and less likely to experience negative ones when we are with friends compared to when we are with a spouse, child, coworker, relative, or anyone else." Carlin Flora, Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are, (NY: Doubleday, 2013) 4.
In fact, when it comes to forming and sustaining friendships, MissLed women's proclivity for wishful thinking often rears
its ugly head. A particularly notorious current example is the increasingly popular, yet
unrealistic and childish, notion of a "BFF." The use of this term reflects
their combination of ingrained misguided beliefs, misinformation from the media and
family members, wishful thinking, and their unrealistic expectations of
a best friend "forever:"
"In reality, best friends are RARELY forever. A friendship, like a romantic
relationship, is founded on two different personalities, both of who grow and
change, for better or for worse, over the course of time...
Even when a friendship is built on a solid foundation, the odds are overwhelmingly
high that it will eventually fracture for one reason or another - leaving one or both
women behind in the dust...Yet most of us swallow the MYTH of Best Friends Forever early on." Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook
Press, 2009) 13.
Much like MissLed women's common belief in the notion of "unconditional love," the BFF
notion involves permanances and unconditional affection. And, sadly, their clinging to a belief
in a BFF can also lead to unhappy endings:
"Too often, women romanticize the notion of a best friend (or even a very close
friend) as someone who is a near-clone of her, the other half that makes them whole,
the kindred spirit who will remain the same and be there for them forever, unconditionally.
Because this can never be the case, relationships based on this ideal often end in
bitter disappointment." Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook Press, 2009) 44.
"Even today, the message consistently reinforced by parents, teachers, friends,
and popular media is clear: female friendships are supposed to last forever. For
that reason, many of us cling to them long after they are worth keeping, and fell
unnecessarily guilty when they end. A friendship lost is viewed as a personal
failure, a source of embarrassment to both parties. As such, the social and
emotional costs of lost friendships run high..."
Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook
Press, 2009) 14-15.
Far too often, MissLed women's expectations for- and from -friendships are self-centered and unrealistic.
Why? They absorbed the misleading advice and information from their mentors in their past:
"Much of what women learn about female friendships from their
mothers, teachers, and girlfriends are cliché's that little resemblance to real life and their own
experiences." Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook Press, 2009) 20.
"Common Friendship Myths: Myth: Best Friends are Forever
Reality Most friendships don't last forever, even the best of them. Rather, the large majority
of friendships tend to be fragile and impermanent relationships over a season of our lives."
Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook
Press, 2009) 20.
In fact, there's often dysfunction and toxic emotions behind MissLed women's longing for a BFF:
"It's unlikely that any one individual can meet your needs and it's more likely that you'll
need friends for different reasons and seasons in your life...Having just one friend with whom you are close and intimate is a big risk to take, no matter how solid the friendship."
Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook
Press, 2009) 201.
"Common Friendship Myths: Myth: You can only have one best friend.
Reality Most women cherish being the chosen one, the best friend. However, friendships characterized by exclusivity and jealousy are more likely to be pathological ones." Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook
Press, 2009) 21.
"Unfortunately, the sentimental notion that all close friendships do or even should last forever - at
a consistent level of intimacy - is more the hyperbole scrawled on T-shirts, greeting cards, and
posters that it is reality." Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook Press, 2009) 43.
"Pop culture has deemed that best friends are forever - reinforcing the very best friends myth
at the heart of our collective consciousness. Tragically, generations of women grow up with that
idea and either stay in toxic relationships or feel confused, pained, and taken off guard when a
relationship ends." Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook Press, 2009) 49.
Bonded Friendships reflect the all-too-human hunger for understanding and
acceptance. Quality ones bring cool, measured pleasures, soothing sympathy,
and the sharing of valuable wisdom, instruction, and advice. In contrast, those
lacking quality and virtue bring misleading counsel and advice. For those MissLed women who choose friends unwisely, the many benefits that wise, ethical
companions bring elude them. They miss out on the vital impact that quality friendships
have on both their personal success and emotional health. Immersed in their dysfunction or
ignorance about friendships, they fall into shallow friendships - those of utility or pleasure.
All-too-often, MissLed women choose charming, "fun" friends of questionable or bad character over solid, reliable, friends of good character.
To create valuable, trustworthy friends is a skill. It must be learned and then constantly honed throughout life. Indeed, many prudent adults' evaluations of potential friends is quite deliberate, even finicky. Their selection process turns out to effortful, even very challenging. They
wisely understand that friendships take work, time, and wisdom:
"Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a
slow-ripening fruit." - Aristotle
"Making meaningful and satisfying friendships requires wisdom and experience."
Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook
Press, 2009) 205.
(There are no guarantees, however. Friendships are seldom static, and they evolve,
grow, deepen and sometimes even wither and fade away.)
In stark contrast, MissLed women don't learn this skill. Hence, they fail to choose their friends with patience and wisdom.
All-too-often, they take the path of least resistance - they settle for whoever is available:
"It isn't easy for women to make new friends, at any age, and this creates a
situation where we tolerate less-than-adequate relationships in order to
have friends." Susan Shapiro Barash, Toxic Friends, (NY: St. Martin's Press, 2009) 9.
"Indeed, making supportive, lasting friendships can be even
harder than dating, as many women in the trenches will tell you."
Andrea Bonior Ph. D., The Friendship Fix, (NY: St. Martin's Press, 2011) 3.
MissLed women's lack of quality friends is due to MissLed women's impatience, combined with too-high expectations of instant gratification from other women who are potential friends. They misguidedly expect love, support, and flexibility - to be given to them. What they failed to learn is to
appreciate and value friendship:
"Friendship. It's something many people take for granted. They are unaware how
powerful and positive friendship can be, or they would take it more seriously."
Jan Yager, Friendshifts, (Stamford, CT: Hannacroix Creek Books, 1997) 5.
Compounding the challenge of finding and maintaining quality friendships is that many
women (MissLed or not) are wary of other women, although they rarely admit it to others:
"...there are many women who do not respect, like, or trust
other women, although they may initially deny this." Joy Carol, The Fabric of Friendship, (Notre Dame: Sorin Books, 2006) 19.
Of course, women's suspicion or distrust of one another isn't without good reasons. In fact, the evidence of women's mistreatment of each other is often the "highlight" of reality TV shows. It is also shown by the very titles of several recent books - "Woman's Inhumanity to Woman", "Queen Bees and Wannabees," "Mean Girls, Meaner Women," "Toxic Friends," "Twisted Sisterhood," and "The Fabric of Friendship." All of these demonstrate and discuss the way in which women struggle
to get along with each other within relationships:
"Women's relationships are often complex, challenging, and not entirely
trustworthy. Women can be catty, gossipy, critical, revengeful, passive
aggressive, and hostile. Sometimes interactions between females are charged
with envy, competition, backstabbing, and misdirected anger. Moreover, women may
be unwilling to say what they really feel or need, or they may disappear from
relationships because they are unable to deal with problems that come up. At
times they are unclear about boundary and control issues and disrespectful of
the female sex - and consequently of themselves." Joy Carol, The Fabric of
Friendship, (Notre Dame: Sorin Books, 2006) 19.
"A close friend can harm or wound you, unfortunately, and that happens sometimes." Dr. John Townsend, How to Be a Best Friend Forever: Making and Keeping Lifetime Relationships, (Brentwood, TN: Worthy Publishing, 2010) 126.
It makes perfect sense, then, that those women who are unwise, slothful and impatient - in other
words, MissLed - find friendships the most challenging. Too often, they don't put in the effort,
lack the proper wisdom, nor have the sufficient patience needed to build lasting alliances
with other women:
"Although many women are extremely practiced at talking about
how their partners, their children, their mothers, their fathers,
their bosses have annoyed or hurt them, they are novices when it comes
to talking directly with a friend about an upset or a hurt between them."
Luise Eichenbaum, Susie Orbach, Between Women: Love, Envy, and Competition in
Women's Friendships, (NY: Penguin Books, 1987) 147.
Proactive people tend to be rewarded greatly for their initiative. It often lead to a significant
increase in their social connections. A habit of following up is, in fact,
also the key to making and keeping genuine friends. For many MissLed women, however, a passive mindset reflects leads to an unwillingness to make strong efforts to form friendships. They are also too often limited by impatience and are easily bored, both of which further hampers friendship bonding. Unfortunately, then, MissLed women's propensity for being reactive often leaves them settling for toxic, ineffective, or shallow friendships. Their tendency
to be risk-averse and play it "safe" in their personal relationships results in
MissLed women missing out on opportunities to form healthy friendships:
"Befriending someone new, whether it is in business or in your personal life,
always involves risks." Jan Vager, When Friendship Hurts, (NY: Fireside, 2002) 157.
Indeed, MissLed women tend to avoid people who are outside their comfort zones. Unfortunately for them, this limits their range of quality friendships:
"For rich friendships to develop, we must come to terms with our own ability to manage discomfort. If we are uncomfortable with being uncomforted in our friendships, then our friendships will typically remain shallow and unfulfilling." Marc Schoen, Ph.D., with Kristin Lobers, Your Survival Instinct is Killing You, (NY: Hudson Street Press, 2013) 188.
By remaining cocooned in their protective emotional armor, MissLed women only
harm themselves. Too often, they block their own need for healthy friendships.
Instead, they safely and effortlessly collect pleasant or "fun" acquaintances and mislabel them as "friends."
None of those, however, are close or virtuous enough to truly know them, or to help
push them to grow into better people. Ironically, the walls they put up to protect their
feelings eventually prevent them from making more meaningful connections with other women.
An additional liability for maintaining quality friendships is that many MissLed women's
have an aversion to conflict. Mature adults, in fact, realize that a conflict in a friendship does not have to mean the end of the relationship. In fact, it can be a healthy thing. For many MissLed women, however, the challenge of confrontation in a friendship is too daunting. They tend to avoid any friendships that are likely to have some conflict. Due to their dread of hurting or losing a "friend" in a conflict, they often settle for being "friends" with other women that involve little or no risk of confrontations.
Truth is, in order to be authentic and mutually beneficial, friendship works best as a pairing of equals.
Mutual respect (which for MissLed women is too often lacking) is the key. Sharing interests (for
them, too often shallow), and engaging in joint activities (for them, too often sporadic) are also important factors
in quality friendships. In order for friendship to be profound and enduring, selflessness
is crucial - NOT keeping score. As already has been discussed,
however, MissLed women are not in the habit of giving generously of themselves:
"If you don't intentionally nurture your friendships and invest time in them,
then they too easily dwindle away in the press of life. Luise Eichenbaum, Susie Orbach, Between Women: Love, Envy, and Competition in Women's Friendships, (NY: Penguin Books, 1987)
89.
MissLed women also underestimate, or, even disregard, the value of men as friends. In
the company of male friends, many women describe feeling comfortable enough to banter
with them without the emotional baggage too often found with female acquaintances. For
them, friendships with men are perceived as lighter and more fun. Some women enjoy the protective,
familial and casual warmth they share with male friends.
MissLed women, then, struggle in many ways with forming and maintaining quality friendships.
This is somewhat understandable, given the 21st century challenges to friendships - mobility,
frequent career disruption, divorce, and lack of community ethos. However, this failure comes
with a painful price:
"Without friends, problems weigh more and pleasure yield less joy. It's a palpable void."
Marla Paul, The Friendship Crisis, (NY: St Martin's Press, 2004) 5.
==================================================================================
Benevolent, successful friendships are marked by trust, honesty, confidentiality, commonality,
and empathy. Unfortunately, the effects of friendships can be malignant as often as benign:
"Since friends have a hold over us, their power can damage or destroy, just as it can heal and help."
Friendfluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are, (NY: Doubleday, 2013)
Since they lack some or most of the benevolent traits, MissLed women and their "friends" are
too often self-absorbed., and overly dependent. Some will even betray their
unsuspecting "friends." Compounding the problem is that, while many women are well aware of the severity of friendship frustrations, few dare to speak out about it:
"A staggering 88 percent of those I polled think that a distinct undercurrent of meanness and negativity plague our gender, in many cases the same women singing the praises of Girl Power, feminism, and female friendship in their lives." Kelly Valen, The Twisted Sisterhood: Unraveling the Dark Legacy of Female Friendships, ()
MissLed women are often ill-equipped to be generous, wise, or reliable adult friends
to others. As a result, MissLed women tend to either become, or find company with, draining, even toxic, friends:
"Feminine psychologists have suggested that a toxic friendship is often one in which a woman's
own personal growth and individuation is sacrificed at the expense of the demands of the other
person." Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook Press, 2009) 121.
These are described by the following toxic terms: Unsupportive, draining, unrewarding, stifling,
unsatisfying, and unequal. Toxic friends can be cruel, selfish, manipulative, envious, and
overly critical. Author Susan Shapiro Barash described several harmful types of toxic "friends" in her 2009 book "Toxic Friends:"
1. Misery Lover Friends - "This kind of friend functions
best when, either both of you have a similar problem,
or if you alone have a problem. In either case, she
thrives on the negative and she'll go out of her way
to comfort you - while secretly rejoicing in your
discontent. Drawn to mutual suffering and when the
playing field isn't level she exhibits envy and even
jealousy. So, while being the object of affection for
the misery lover is rewarding (because she understands
your pain and likes to be there to help out), it only
suffices as long as you are miserable and in need of
her attention."
"The Misery Lover in Your Life: Identify the Misery Lover in Your Life,"
by Susan Shapiro Barash
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friend-or-foe/201002/the-misery-lover-in-your-life
When MissLed women go to such friends for relationship advice, misery lover friends will
be too much on THEIR side, and condemn the man in question. Such condemnation, however,
is only temporary and merely emotionally appealing. A better friend, on the other hand, would
tell the truth by providing clear objectivity and actionable wisdom.
(Also known as Grouch).
2. User Friends - All too often, MissLed women are this type of "friend." They rarely, if ever, return
favors for others. They deludedly believe that they're good friends, when, in actuality,
their laziness or lack of reciprocity belies this self-perception. User friends can be enticing,
fun and charismatic. Even with the frustrations resulting from when they use their "friends," their
personal appeal often makes the friendship seem attractive enough to keep it intact. They also
can be quite cunning. Many users are skilled at wheedling their way into other's lives and firmly
entrenching themselves. There, a hidden agenda is present - and paramount. That is - what is best
FOR THEM.
3. Frenemies:
"The term frenemy...has been used to describe people who are ostensibly your friends but who
are primarily there to take advantage of what you can do for them. This is often the case when a friend is filled with ambivalence and jealousy." Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook Press, 2009) 136.
Frenemies are those with whom MissLed women are friendly despite a readily apparent, fundamental dislike or distrust. Often "frenemies" simultaneously idolize and despise the other.
It is a relationship that tends to be both mutually beneficial yet competitive, and fraught with risk and mistrust.
"Usually, a frenemy has a rather love-hate relationship, someone who dances on that
line between friend and foe...A frenemy can be any of the following:
- In the style of 'Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer,' someone whom you play nice with, but only in order to keep tabs on and not let screw you over.
- Someone with whom you used to be good friends, but a betrayal or a prolonged competition has added a dynamic to your relationship where you don't really have each others best interests at heart.
- Someone whom you've never really liked but have decided to keep up appearances with for the path of least resistance. " Andrea Bonior Ph. D., The Friendship Fix, (NY: St. Martin's Press, 2011) 38-39.
Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook
Press, 2009)
Unlike the blatant enemies on the childhood schoolyard, or the obvious rivals in high school,
frenemies can be difficult to detect. Their acting skills are usually skillfully refined:
"Nothing fuels envy and competition like insecurity over whether the other
person is on the up-and-up or trying to screw you over. Sometimes, when things
go unsaid, it is easy to get so caught up in a dynamic of competition
that it becomes chronic: do that for too long, and you'll have the dreaded
frenemy..." Andrea Bonior Ph. D., The Friendship Fix, (NY: St. Martin's Press, 2011) 105.
MissLed women most often encounter these "friends" in their leisure time. Increasingly, however,
women are spending more and more time focused on their careers. This leaves
them with less opportunity to make friends outside of the workplace, and with more
frenemies than friends inside the workplace:
"Frenemies in the workplace are common, due to increasingly
informal environments and the "abundance of very close, intertwined
relationships that bridge people's professional and personal
lives ... [while] it certainly wasn't unheard of for people
to socialize with colleagues in the past, the sheer amount
of time that people spend at work now has left a lot of
people with less time and inclination to develop friendships
outside of the office."
"Frenemies at Work," Liz Ryan, BusinessWeek, June 14, 2007.
http://www.businessweek.com/stories/2007-06-14/frenemies-at-workbusinessweek-business-news-stock-market-and-financial-advice
4. Trophy Friends - These are out for the conquest of making high status women their friends.
Much like trophy wives, this a dynamic where one person's status is raised by looking good by
their association with a high status other (who often is good looking). While quite savvy about
expressing supposed intimacy and passion, trophy friends fall very short on authentic commitment
to those MissLed women who seek to be their "friends."
5. Mirroring Friends - Their identity resonates with their MissLed women friends. With
their matching joys and sorrows, they are drawn to them - in good times and bad. Their
appeal lies in their bonding. They perceive that they are going through the same
trials and tribulations.
(Also known as Copycat Friend).
6. Sharer Friends - Not only will sharers trade confidences,
they will pour much of themselves into their friendships. They remain emotional
and open, friendly and focused. The trouble lies in how desperately they want others
to be their close friends. This kind of friend anxiously anticipates, and
is unafraid to ask for, a serious pledge from friends.
7. Leader Friends - MissLed women seek out leaders - those who can make or break their social lives. These come across as “winners” - influential and outspoken; MissLed women are drawn
to their potency. Crossing them, however, is bad idea. They have the social powers to get
everyone invited (or, if crossed, uninvited) to parties. Leader friends are the ones who
initiate plans and make the decisions for the group.
8. Doormat Friends - MissLed women can either be the doormat, or, conversely,
seek friends who are doormats. In either case, doormats see themselves as martyrs.
They fail to make their demands known, and rarely question anything.
They are useful to any friend, in any category, who is in a
bad way - willingly absorbing any sorrows. Doormats yearn
to belong to a group, and, therefore intensely desire intimate friendships.
To this end, they are never critical and won’t tell friends
a harsh truth - no matter how appropriate, useful, or deserved.
Too often, they are perceived as a flunky - a servant that is used and
does what they are told.
9. Sacrificer Friends - MissLed women can be sacrificer
friends or, conversely, seek to take advantage of sacrificers. These are the
friends who'll take the heat or the leap of faith for their friends. Selfish and manipulative
MissLed women lean heavily on sacrificers. Like the doormat friend,
their intense search for closeness is often what motivates them. When and if
they discover that their MissLed women friends are less dedicated to the
friendship, however, they can be very disappointed and disillusioned.
(Also known as Caretaker friend).
Susan Shapiro Barash, Toxic Friends, (NY: St. Martin's Press, 2009) 262.
There are numerous other examples of how MissLed women can be, or choose,
damaging or destructive Friends:
- Promise Breakers: Constantly disappointing to their friends. They can't be trusted
to keep their word.
- Risk-takers: Daredevils who put their friends in harm's way because of their illegal or
dangerous behavior.
- Self-absorbed/Takers: Never have time to listen to friends. Everything is all
about them. Self-absorbed friends show no interest in talking about or doing anything
unless it has a benefit to them. Similarly, Takers borrow and fail to return valuables.
- Cheats: Lie or steal friends' romantic partner. (Also known as Betrayers).
- Disclosers: Betray friends' confidence. These envious exposers disclose secrets
and spread harmful rumors.
- Competitors: Excessively combative with friends. They want what their friends
have. They are competitive in their relationships, careers, and with their possessions.
- One-uppers: Must always have the upper hand on friends - even those supposed to be their close friends.
- Rivals: Desire whatever their friends possess and may try to take it from them.
Often, rivals are envious (a typical MissLed trait) to the point of malice.
This can even involve at attempt to steal a friend's man:
"Women are more likely to stab each other in the back, especially for a guy." Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook
Press, 2009) 204.
- Controllers: Must be in charge of everything, from where to
meet for lunch to whom their friends date. They are control freaks - bossy on what to
do, how to do it, when to do it, and who do it with. (Also known as Busy Bees).
- Fault finders: Criticism abounds with them. Nothing is good enough
for these overly critical MissLed women. They blame others for their own shortcomings or
any negativity in their lives. (Fault-finders were usually raised by hypercritical
parents).
- Double Crossers: These can affect others directly or indirectly.
They may spread rumors about friends based on information gleaned from other friends.
They can also be emotional double-crossers, such as when they stop speaking
to friends as punishment for perceived offenses. Often, they are emotional bullies, who
intimidate by using verbally or emotionally abusive tactics. In fact, bullying is their
method of control or manipulation.
- Bloodsuckers: Due to their excessive dependence, they drain the life from others. They
expect others to be there for them all of the time.
- Excessively Needy: Clingy, demanding, insecure, and also draining. Like wailing toddlers, they
can be so demanding that their friendship weighs down their friends.
Dr. Jan Vager, When Friendship Hurts, (NY: Fireside, 2002) 30-31.
Here's still another group of undesirable friendships types that either describe MissLed women's
role in their friendship or the kind of friends they bond with:
Advisors - Unsolicited opinions and interventions. They have all the answers - asked or not.
(Also known as the Opinionator):
"This one's got her mind made up. You know exactly where she
stands on the next election, your neighborhood's garbage pickup
schedule, and whether or not you should get bangs again. And she's
not going to let you hear the end of it..." Andrea Bonior Ph. D., The Friendship Fix, (NY: St.
Martin's Press, 2011) 37.
Braggers - Been there, done that; invariably better than their "friends" have.
Busy Body Big Mouths - Constantly run their mouths about things that are none of their business.
Charlatans - Play games of deception.
Clueless - Lack common sense and ability to understand even the simplest things.
Defenders - Won't let friends fight their own battles, due to assuming that they
are incapable of doing so themselves.
Double Talkers - Use ambiguous language and confusing talk to confuse or baffle.
Ego Trippers - Only concerned with their own well-being.
Gaslighters - Psychological abusers that control and manipulate others' perception
of reality.
Houdinis - Cleverly escape accountability, responsibility, and conflict.
Interlopers - Selfishly interfere.
Interrogators - Nosy - they ask too many personal questions.
Whiners - Non-stop moan-fest (nobody knows the trouble they've seen)
Yakkers - Non-stop gab-fest.
Zombies - Mindless people-pleasers; they don't speak up for themselves.
MissLed women who are prone to toxic friendships often
have a pleaser personality. These "zombies" want too much for people to like them - they want to get
along, and it's hard for them to say no.
Author Lorraine Smith Hinds also identified still more Toxic Friend types:
"Abuser - Toxic friend who is verbally, physically, emotionally, or sexually
abusive.
Accuser - Toxic friend who blames you for all the problems, issues,
and drama in her life.
Arrogant - Very conceited and stuck up Toxic friend who has an
extremely high level of pride and thinks she is better than
everyone else
Attention Seekers - Category of Toxic friends who thrive off the
attention of others and don't care whether the attention is
positive or negative.
Charmer - Very charismatic and charming Toxic friend. They start
off a friendship by presenting themselves as the nicest people
you've ever met (but later their true colors come to light).
Drama Queen - Melodramatic Toxic friend who is highly emotional,
and makes a drama out of every situation in her life.
Guilt Tripper - Toxic friend who tries to make you feel guilty
about everything you do or say.
Jekyll & Hyde - Toxic friend who has unpredictable mood swings and
can be nice one minute, then nasty the next.
Rider - Toxic friend who graciously and often inconspicuously
rides the coattails of others and likes to the reap the benefits from
others' success.
Runner - Toxic friend who is constantly on the run from the
truth, responsibility, confrontation and commitment.
Simpletons - They lack common sense, and have an inability to say "No."
Sitting Duck - Toxic friend who is constantly victimized by
others for various reasons and is often the target of ridicule
or harassment.
Sloth - Extremely lazy Toxic friend who always expects others to
do the things she should be doing for herself.
Spoiled Brat - Toxic friend who is very selfish and demanding
prima donna and expects you to cater to her every want and need
and be available at her beck and call.
Time Bandit - This is a Toxic friend who likes to waste your personal
time by wanting you to be available at her beck and call.
Victimized - Toxic friend who believes others are out to get her and
blames everyone, except herself, for the bad things that happen in her life."
Lorraine Smith Hines, Toxic Friends: A Practical Guide to Recognizing and Dealing with
An Unhealthy Friendship, (West Bloomfield, MI: Foxglove Publications, 2010) 147-156.
Finally, two types of "pseudo-friends" were identified in author Jan Yager's"Friendshifts."
These are:
"Foul Weather pseudo-friends are those that might be there for you at four in the morning, but
but they don't want to listen and rejoice with your when your life is going well. Foul weather pseudo-friends need to feel like a "savior" who is rescuing you. Also, your misery makes them feel better
about their own lives; if you are no longer miserable, they feel more
threatened, and their jealousy of your fair weather gets in the way of having a positive relationship."
Jan Yager, Friendshifts, (Stamford, CT: Hannacroix Creek Books, 1997) 23.
"Foul Weather pseudo-friends are those who call themselves friends but may be trying to destroy you, which is not a very friendly thing to do. They need you to have foul
weather." Jan Yager, Friendshifts, (Stamford, CT: Hannacroix Creek Books, 1997) 23.
"Fair Weather pseudo-friends require that you are always "up."
Limits are set by one friend, not both. You cannot call, or call on,
fair Weather pseudo-friends when you are in need, although they may feel completely comfortable dumping their current messes on you." Jan Yager, Friendshifts, (Stamford, CT: Hannacroix Creek Books, 1997) 23.
In total, female authors have described more than fifty types of suboptimal friendships. Compounding the already formidable challenges for women regarding friendship is that some women are involved in "friend poaching." This happens to MissLed women (and others) when a friend or acquaintance befriends their friends in person or on a social network, without permission.
While such poaching can lead to hurt feelings and leave friendships vulnerable to breakdowns, the reaction to it is ultimately up to the person who is being poached. Mature people tend to understand such poaching in context and take it in stride. Some MissLed women, however, take it very personally, because they choose to see it as malicious, or even as an unforgivable betrayal.
All-too-often, these only apply to women - especially MissLed women. Many of them are
quite destructive - they include serious betrayals of trust and confidence. Why do MissLed
women too often betray, or get betrayed by, their female friends?
Once again, character flaws come to the surface. These include jealousy, rage, desire
for revenge, poor self-esteem, and their inability, or unwillingness, to cope with change.
No doubt, MissLed women's excessive fears also diminish their ability to form and maintain
beneficial friendships. In fact, they are particularly susceptible
to fears of being alone, of change, or of conflict:
"Women confess to hanging on to difficult friendships even when they know
they're destructive." Susan Shapiro Barash, Toxic Friends, (NY: St. Martin's Press, 2009) 1.
Fearing solitude or change, they'll remain "friends" with such types even when they are aware that it is not a beneficial situation. They misguidedly feel an obligation to a formerly close friend.
This often happens even when they are mistreated or when they no longer have much in common. In
addition, MissLed women too often are their own worst enemies - they are enablers. They make more excuses for their female friends that they would ever make for their husbands and children.
Similarly, they'll defend those friends who enable them or who are codependent. In this way, they
perpetuate unhealthy relationships while blocking healthy ones.
Unfortunately for them, having toxic or negative friends is detrimental to their emotional health.
It can even put their physical well-being at risk. Toxic friends' unreliability and demanding personas
increases the stress and anxiety levels of their loved ones and friends.
With this stress and the increasingly rapid and unpredictable changes in society, many
MissLed women unrealistically cling to the dream of a permanent "best"
friend:
"It seems that, inspired by the very "pro-friendship" tone in writings and
discussions about the topic over the last two decades, a myth of lifelong
friendship has emerged, even as the ideal of a lifelong marriage has, sadly,
become an unrealistic reality for many people.
The romanticized ideal that friendships should not end or fail may create
unnecessary distress in those who should end a friendship but hold on, no
matter what. They are clinging to the myth rather than understanding the
relationship. But if neither all friendships nor all marriages last a lifetime,
what's left to believe in that does?" Jan Vager, When Friendship Hurts
(NY: Fireside, 2002) 5-6.
"For some, "friends for life" seems to have replaced the ideal of a lifelong
marital relationship. Of course, there are positive, wonderful friendships
that are mutually beneficial to both friends that should last a lifetime. But
there are other friendships that are negative, destructive, or unhealthy that
should end." Jan Vager, When Friendship Hurts, (NY: Fireside, 2002) 1.
While "BFFs" remain a silly fantasy, deep, emotionally fulfilling friendships are within
many women's grasps:
"Close friendships require a sense of self, an interest in other people, empathy and loyalty and
commitment. They also require the letting go - the necessary loss - of some of our fantasies of ideal
friendship." Judith Viorst, Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible
Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow, (NY: Ballantine Books, 1986) 201.
"Two people, two adults, will never match each other perfectly. Even the best of friends are
friends in spots."
Judith Viorst, Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible
Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Grow, (NY: Ballantine Books, 1986) 202.
In fact, when achieved (and achieved they must be - they don't "just happen") these can be as emotionally fulfilling and long-lasting as healthy romantic relationships. In truth, for many, what is often sought in the misplaced idealization of romantic love is actually more often
found in deep friendships. MissLed women would be wise to invest more in creating and nurturing them. However, those MissLed women who have unrealistic expectations from friends for life suffer the same letdown as those expecting a "soul mate". These include, but are not limited to,
disappointment, disillusion, and a feeling of betrayal when the inevitable
conflicts and flaws become apparent in friendships. Once again, they are afraid to face
certain unavoidable realities:
"The mere idea of mentioning a hurt, expressing a grievance, showing a
friend that she had made one angry or perhaps asking for something
from a woman friend in a straightforward manner, can make a woman
very nervous." Luise Eichenbaum and Susie Orbach, Between Women: Love, Envy and Competition in Women's Friendships, (NY: Penguin Books, 1987) 147.
MissLed women, then, too commonly have shallow, sycophantic females they share activities with
- and then refer to as "friends." They expect these ladies to be relentlessly positive, and to
support them with unconditional love. Some even expect them to feed their delusions of grandeur
and fabulousness. They are lacking, however, an invaluable ally in an
evolving, adventurous life: a genuine friend. This is someone who tells them truths - both
pleasant and unpleasant:
"Trust is honest and can be very blunt, but its never malicious - though
it sometimes hurts." Christine Arlyo, Choosing Me Before We, (Novata, CA: New
World Library, 2009) 176.
"Truth telling is high-maintenance. Becoming a consistent truth teller
takes courage, determination, and will. That is what honesty is all about...
At the very least any lie - no matter how small - is a vote of no confidence
in the person to whom it's told." Christine Arlyo, Choosing Me Before We, (Novata,
CA: New World Library, 2009) 250.
Genuine friendships, in truth, are love born out of reality. In contrast, love and "romance" are
the product of fantasy. Meaningful, valuable friendships entail obligations
- sometimes ample, painful, and blunt. Reciprocity - not sycophancy - is the heart of friendship.
Dealing with conflict and agreeing to disagree - something many women struggle with mightily -
is extremely crucial to the sustenance of friendship.
WHY DO FRIENDSHIP FRUSTRATIONS MATTER?
What is lost for those MissLed women who don't have authentic, meaningful, honest and
and sustainable friendships?
"The pros and cons of these relationships are a force to reckon with;
how we depend upon one another cranks up disappointment, fantasies,
and fractures among women. The relationships also enable women to
feel secure, appreciated, and admired. While we can't escape the
perils and problems of certain friendships, those that are solid,
soulful, and caring provide shelter from the storm; they stand as
testimony to the power of female bonds." Susan Shapiro Barash,
Toxic Friends, (NY: St. Martin's Press, 2009) 262.
Mutually beneficial, honest friendships can be invaluable in assessing
women's strengths and weaknesses:
"It's our friends who give us daily feedback about the characteristics
that make us who we are, and it's these assessments that stick with us when we
define ourselves internally and externally."
Andrea Bonior Ph. D., The Friendship Fix, (NY: St. Martin's Press, 2011) 9.
Finally, women's benevolent friendships provides the invaluable contribution of
aiding in identifying and fixing each other's problem areas:
"Quality friendships can be both the apple and the antibiotic -
a medley of prevention and cure." Andrea Bonior Ph. D., The Friendship Fix,
(NY: St. Martin's Press, 2011) 6.
Mutually beneficial, honest friendships can be extremely help when it comes to assessing
women's strengths and weaknesses:
"It's our friends who give us daily feedback about the characteristics
that make us who we are, and it's these assessments that stick with us when we
define ourselves internally and externally." Andrea Bonior Ph. D., The Friendship Fix, (NY: St. Martin's Press, 2011) 9.
Finally, women's benevolent friendships provides a significant contribution by
aiding in identifying and fixing each other's problem areas:
"Quality friendships can be both the apple and the antibiotic -
a medley of prevention and cure." Andrea Bonior Ph. D., The Friendship Fix,
(NY: St. Martin's Press, 2011) 6.
"According to Irene S. Levine, PhD, freelance writer and author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Break Up With Your Best Friend, there are four signs it is time to remove a "friend" from ones' life:
- If you are experiencing consistent unresolvable arguments, misunderstandings and disappointments.
- If you feel tense, anxious or uncomfortable in her presence.
- If a friendship is destructive and hurting your self-esteem.
- If your biggest problem is you can’t find time to spend together. Levine says, “It may suggest that one or both people don’t consider the friendship a priority in their lives any more.”
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/07/21/knowing-when-to-say-goodbye-how-to-break-up-with-a-friend/
"Not only do friendships enhance our health, they bolster our confidence and self-esteem.
They also serve as an antidote to depression and loneliness and help ward off psychosomatic
illness." Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook Press, 2009) 212.
"...women need to be more proactive. To make new friends, you need to actively engage with other women." Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook Press, 2009) 214.
"...the idea of finding and making new friendships can be daunting." Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook Press, 2009) 214.
"Research suggests that there may be a growing friendship deficit with people being less able to sustain the various relationships they make." Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook Press, 2009) 140.
Finally, with the decrease in the bonds, time, and distance between family members, quality friendships are more important than ever today. This especially applies to women:
- More women than ever are single mothers, who need supportive friends
- More women than ever are single, who desire support and intimacy that friendships often provide
- More women than ever are divorced, who again desire support and intimacy that friendships often provide
- More women than ever have moved away from their home times and family members, separated from the usual, reliable support systems that was the norm until the very recent past.
"Gossip can be an immediate friendship killer." Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook Press, 2009) 72.
"The fact is, family is often prioritized over friendship." Irene S. Levine, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend, (NY: Overlook Press, 2009) 64.
--------------------------
MORAL ANIMAL:
"In our friendships, as in other things, we're deeply inegalitarian. We value especially
the affection of high-status people, and are willing to pay more for it - to expect less
from them, to judge them obediently. Fondness for a friend may wane if his or her status slips,
or if it simply fails to rise as much as our own. We may, to facilitate the tooling of relations, justify
it. 'He and I don't have as much in common as we used to.' Like high status, for example." 314.
MissLed women often seek out advice from the worst possible places: their girlfriends...The problem with
talking to friends, however, is that most friends would rather give you
candy (that is, say whatever will make you feel better in the moment) than medicine (that
is, stuff that will actually work and solve the problem)
"Everyone readily admits that fights are a normal part of marriages and family relationships.
But when it comes to friendships, people are much less comfortable accepting imperfections.
This tendency can cause friends to give up too fast on their relationship when trouble arises,
according to Jan Yager, a sociologist and author of the book Friendshifts: The Power of
Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives (Hannacroix Creek Press, 1999).
“People have this mistaken notion that a friendship is supposed to be the respite from all the other
challenges in one's life,” Yager says. “You have to deal with the co-worker or the boss,
you have to deal with your relatives, but you choose your friends.” Don't be afraid of
the occasional tiff or misunderstanding. Once you make it through, the bonds are likely
to be stronger than ever."
"How to Be a Better Friend," by Sunny Sea Gold, Scientific American Mind, May/June 2013, pg. 22
"Although many women are extremely practiced at talking about
how their partners, their children, their mothers, their fathers,
their bosses have annoyed or hurt them, they are novices when it comes
to talking directly with a friend about an upset or a hurt between them."
Luise Eichenbaum, Susie Orbach, Between Women: Love, Envy, and Competition in
Women's Friendships, (NY: Penguin Books, 1987) 147.
"Making friends as children and teens was as effortless as breathing. As midlife women, though
it's suddenly a complicated dance whose steps we try to retrace but can't quite remember."
Marla Paul, The Friendship Crisis, (NY: St. Martin's Press, 2004) 5.
===============================================================
Carlin Flora, FriendFluence: The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We Are, (NY: Doubleday, 2013)
"A clear pattern emerged as I researched the dark side of friendship:
It skewed female. Most of the research and almost all of the popular books and articles
surrounding the topic of problematic friendship focus on the ladies." 162.
"Friends excel at coercing us to misbehave." 168.
==========================================================
Joel D. Block, Ph.D., Friendship: How to Give It, How to Get It, (NY: MacMillan, 1980)
"Convenience Friends. These are the people with whom we exchange favors - a next door neighbor,
a coworker, someone whose path we cross on a frequent basis...Seldom convenience friends ever become close; the foundation of the relationship is lending a friendly hand, and if this factor should
erode, the friendship may allowed to fade." 13.
"Doing-Things Friends. These friends are also unlikely to be intimate. They are based on the sharing of mutual interests or activities." 13.
"Women, as the story goes, cannot be counted upon - for loyalty or for FRIENDSHIP. If friendship conflicts in any way with romantic interest in a man, then women, we are told, will ruthlessly sacrifice the bond of friendship. History does not celebrate female friendships as it does male camaraderie; rather, it is filled with endless portrayals of women as each other's best enemies." 29.
"Sisterhood is powerful, but so is the need to win; one-upmanship is built into the fabric of American society." 41.
"In close friendships hunger there is a hunger for the truth; a premium is placed on emotional integrity." 42.
"Indisputably, friendship can potentially provide the psychological nutrients so important for optimal, zestful living." 178.
"Most of us bring both nourishing and toxic qualities to our friendships. The objective is one of maximizing the nourishing and minimizing the toxic. Perfection in this task is unlikely. However, through increasing our awareness of unhealthy (toxic) patterns and a willingness to replace them with new, healthier (nourishing) attitudes and behavior we can gradually improve our friendships." 193.
"Friendship is strained when we become blind and insensitive to the feelings of our friends." 194.
"Friendship is a sensitive arrangement for all of us; it often does not proceed smoothly. For women, though, it has been lauded as a near-impossible achievement." 213.
"Friendships are traditionally supposed to survive, as with family ties, throughout the lifetimes of the people involved. Our culture places high value on "old friends," and a certain amount of shame is associated with dropping a long-standing friendship. Although long-time friendships are comforting, we might as well get used to the fact that with our increased mobility and rising rates of occupational turnover, temporary relationships are here to stay." 219.
"The friendships of women are usually more nurturing, intimate, and more intense than men."
Jan Yager, Friendshifts, 59.
===============================================================
Toxic Friends- Toxic Friendships When Friends Hurt and Friendships Harm – Joy Stephens
Recognizing a toxic friendship before it starts. Avoid friends that harm you and friendships that are potentially harmful when you can.
The User as a Toxic Friend: This person only has friends as long as he/she can use them for some purpose or goal of his/her own. This person could be the most harmful of toxic friends. You are their best friend as long as you have something to offer them. They always call on you to help them do things and will try to make you feel guilty if you refuse to do what they ask of you. They will often say that you don't care about them if you don't help them out.
The Betrayer as a Toxic Friend: Nothing hurts more than a friend who betrays you. The betrayer is truly a toxic friend. You are their best friend as long as you have something to offer them. They always call on you to help them do things and will try to make you feel guilty if you refuse to do what they ask of you. They will often say that you don't care about them if you don't help them out.
The Control Freak as a Toxic Friend: The control freak is a friend as long as she/he is in control. The control freak often seems to be helping you. Refuse that help or break that control and find out what toxic friendship really means.
The Judge as a Toxic Friend: Ever judgmental, ever critical, this friend can erode your self- esteem. The judge is a fault finder. You can rarely do anything completely right with this toxic friend. Extremely critical of you and finds fault in everything you do. This type of friend is very judgmental. They are critical of all aspects of your life including your looks, the way you dress, the way you live, the way you talk, what you eat, and the list goes on and on.
The Promise Breaker as a Toxic Friend: This person rarely does what he says he will do. If you have a date, your toxic friend is often a no-show. Always breaking promises and making excuses for doing so. Can you trust this type of friend? Probably not because they always do the opposite of what they say they're going to do. They are unreliable and not dependable. A general lack of dependability makes this person a toxic friend.
The Gossip as a Toxic Friend: The gossip will eventually betray your trust and become a toxic friend. Keep in mind that your secret is not safe with a gossip even if your toxic friend claims to be your best bud. He/she will tell all of your business to whoever will listen. Some will even tell your business to a potential new friend just to try and gain favor with the other friend. Gossips are easy to spot so beware your friendships with them.
The Self-Centered Person as a Toxic Friend: Also known as the self-absorbed or selfish. Only thinks of self and is concerned with their own wants and needs, not yours. This type of friend is very selfish. He/she doesn't want to listen to you or your concerns. Most conversations are about him/her. When you want to talk about your life, this type of friend will become quite busy all of a sudden. They may be ready to leave your presence or end a phone conversation with you. Self-centered people can't think of you as they are too busy thinking of themselves. They make toxic friends.
The Competitor as a Toxic Friend: The competitor is always looking to be "one up." Although some competitiveness is normal in friendships, too much competition makes a toxic friend.
The Leaner as a Toxic Friend: The leaner is a very needy friend who clings and may be at your doorstep every day. He/she usually wants all of your time and jealousy often enters the picture in this friendship.
The Daredevil: Also known as the risk-taker. This type of friend does crazy stuff that puts you in harms way. He/she might even engage in illegal activities, such as driving under the influence of either drugs or alcohol or shoplifting all while in your presence.
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Dr. Phil Baiters
Backstabbers
Abusers
Imposters
Takers
Exploiters
Reckless
The very fact that he wrote a book is quite telling. Why? Dr. Phil's target audience is women. Hence, the implication is that WOMEN ARE STRUGGLING with their choices in friends and love partners. Too manyWomen have become USERS - aggressive, self-seeking, self-absorbed and at times rude, crude and malicious for the remaining good women to ignore without imperiling their emotional health, friendships, and jobs. Women can't count on other women to be sweet, soft, , caring, compassionate, giving and self-sacrificing. In fact, Cheaters do sometimes win, the early bird doesn't always get the worm, and doing unto others as you wish they would do unto you doesn't always get you what you want, need or deserve.
Women, unfortunately tend to trust others WAY too much. They are generous, but, too often, other women don't reciprocate their kindness or generosity. And they leave themselves vulnerable in so many ways. Given the increasing numbers of untrustworthy people and toxic friends, it is essential that they open their eyes to the *reality* of human nature - not the way 'it should be.'
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