VICTIM THINKING

VICTIM THINKING

"Instead of encouraging women to be strong in society, the modern progressive knee-jerk response is to blame everyone else." Alex B. Berezon, Hank Campbell, Science Left Behind, (NY:  Public Affairs, 2012) 233.

"Our society supports this way of thinking, by helping us blame unfair
love relationships, childhood abuse, parental abandonment, or emotional or
sexual trauma for all of our painful emotions, behaviors, and choices.
We may hate the fact that a particular event or person ever existed in our
lives, but nevertheless, we allow that person or event to define our identities." Carmen Renee Berry
Mark W. Baker, Who's To Blame:  Escape the Victim Trap & Gain Personal Power in Your Relationships, (Colorado Springs: Pinon Press, 1996) 9.

Some MissLed women think - and therefore behave - as if they are a victim.
Men (by far the most common), the government, society,
any corporation, and their parents are some of the most prominent sources of their
supposed victimhood. By thinking as a victim, they find it all-too-easy - and emotionally-satisfying
- to blame someone else for their various predicaments. This leaves them feeling justified to
proclaim their moral innocence and sense of entitlement. 

Feelings of hopelessness and frustration often go hand in hand with victim thinking.
Unsurprisingly, such thinking is, ultimately, profoundly self-limiting. For MissLed women, victim thinking limits because it often involves them seeing themselves as powerless.  It's often a major cause of their personal stagnation. Misguidedly, they think they're stuck - and therefore wrongly feel that they can not do anything about their plight in life: 

"The Victim Trap operates when someone feels that they are personally powerless.  The dynamic
of powerlessness causes people to mismanage their emotions through blame." Carmen Renee Berry
Mark W. Baker, Who's To Blame:  Escape the Victim Trap & Gain Personal Power in Your Relationships, (Colorado Springs: Pinon Press, 1996) 7.

"When we are caught in the Victim Trap we can be consumed with assigning blame
rather than taking responsibility for our pain...Concretely identifying the "enemy"
provides a false sense of security by pinpointing the source of danger in our lives." Carmen Renee Berry Mark W. Baker, Who's To Blame:  Escape the Victim Trap & Gain Personal Power in Your Relationships, (Colorado Springs: Pinon Press, 1996) 20.

Unfortunately for MissLed women, any false sense of security they gain from victim thinking
limits their understanding of reality:

"Once we have assigned blame, we no longer have any motivation to explore a deeper understanding
of our suffering.  The guilty party has been found; the investigation is done.  We are often
satisfied with a superficial grasp of the crime as long as an offender can be held culpable."
Carmen Renee Berry Mark W. Baker, Who's To Blame:  Escape the Victim Trap & Gain Personal Power in Your Relationships, (Colorado Springs: Pinon Press, 1996) 20.

What, then, keeps a number of MissLed women enmeshed in victim thinking?  Simply put, many of them find victim thinking emotionally satisfying.  The choice to think like a victim shields them behind a shroud of misplaced martyrdom:

"Victim thinking can be dangerous on many levels, but you don't
have to wallow in that mire or stay in the role of victim - the choice
is yours." Diane Bogino, Finding Your Bootstraps: 11 Steps to Overcoming Victim
Thinking, (Atlanta:  Geraly Simmons & Associates, 2005) 19.

Victim thinkers fail to take responsibility for their own lives, they can't make peace with whatever
situation they find themselves in. They tend to relinquish control and responsibility to others.
This is very much a self- destructive mindset.  Not only does the victim feel negatively about their
situation, but they also feel powerless to change it. Not surprisingly, many MissLed women who have the victim mentality wallow in self-pity.  This can be quite habit forming because it serves to give them momentary satisfaction while also helping them to escape from reality.
Lost in a funk of sadness and self-pity, they rarely initiate actions needed to remedy their dissatisfactions.  Too often, victims feel they have certain rights that the world OWES them, and are disappointed or angry when the world doesn't deliver. Even worse, victims can be bound permanently in a state of unforgiveness.

Truth is, too many MissLed women find victim thinking emotionally satisfying.  It can serve to shield them
behind a shroud of martyrdom. In fact, the reason that victim thinking persists with
some MissLed women (and misguided men) is that it has many short- term, quite seductive advantages:


 ■Attention and validation. They solicit soothing sympathy from other people that are concerned about
them and therefore try to help them. (On the other hand, it often eventually backfires as people get tired of it).
 ■They don’t have to take risks. Those who feel like a victim tend to not take action, hence they
 don’t have to risk rejection or failure.
 ■Don’t have to take on the burden of responsibility. Thinking of themselves as responsible for their own lives can be emotionally trying, arduous, and even painful. Difficult decisions must be made - which can weigh heavily. In the short term it
can feel like the easier choice to not take personal responsibility.
 ■It makes  them feel righteous. Feeling like they are right and feeling assured that the supposed perpetrator
is wrong leads to pleasurable feelings.
In sum, MissLed women who engage in victim thinking are rewarded, at least in the short-term:

"Achievement of victim status can lead to considerable rewards - apart
from soothing sympathy, you can avoid being openly challenged by others,
accusing those who challenge you of an 'ism" or 'phobia' and attract special
treatment and benefits from policy." David Conway, Anthony Browne, The Retreat of Reason, (London: Institute for the Study of Civil Society, 2006) 43.

But, when MissLed women who think in terms of victimhood persist in that habit, they pay significant costs.  It stifles their activity, their creativity, even their objectivity of their own plight:

"Thinking like a victim characterizes a denier of reality and shirker of self-responsibility." Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ:  New Horizon Press, 2010) 117.

By engaging in victim thinking, MissLed women often become angry blamers:

"Conventional wisdom encourages assignment of blame.  So we blame others (inept, neglectful or abusive parents, ruthless schoolmates, sadistic coaches or nuns) for our faults or we blame ourselves.
 The problems with assigning blame are that it not only fosters resentment but also renders us unlikely to change." Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ:  New Horizon Press, 2010) 151.

The problems with assigning blame are that it not only fosters resentment but also renders us unlikely to change."
Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ:  New Horizon Press, 2010) 151.

MissLed women who take victim thinking too far become known predominantly as victims.  Indeed, the victim identity is seductive as it provides clarity, certitude, even a community of like-minded sufferers.

MISSLED WOMEN MISPERCEIVE THAT THEY ARE VICTIMS OF...
1.  Male-dominated society
2.  Gender Discrimination @ work
3.  Unjust Pay Gap
4.  Harassment
5.  Unequal share of housework and childcare
6.  Deadbeat Dads



WHY DOES VICTIM THINKING MATTER?
Victims surrender power over their lives to others - their lives are driven by their environment.
MissLed women who now are victim thinkers are be better served to shift their focus away from
their supposed past victimhood.  In order to fully thrive, they must focus on personal
responsibility and on what they can contribute to the future. They must resist the temptation to think like a victim, live like a victim and, therefore, be seen as a victim:


"Certainly one of the most powerful stories that many people
wish to live by is the victim narrative." Carol Tavris, Eliot Aronson, Mistakes Were Made But Not By Me, (Orlando, FL:  Harcourt, 2007) 93.
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 ***ACTIVITY, CREATIVITY, OBJECTITY STIFLED***
While insisting on "rights," they abrogate responsibility.
They demand that OTHER people engage in self-control, self-restraint, not giving into one's impulses, selfish desires and not
exploiting opportunity -- but nothing from themselves - those who puts themselves into a dangerous situation.
Instead of encouraging healthy change,  (e.g. assertiveness as opposed to aggression, social skills instead of anger, personal
responsibility as opposed to blame and empathy instead of emphasis on self) MissLed women who are rewarded by being
a victim then combine have anger and self-righteousness. 
For MissLed women, then, the ideology of victimization is a dead end street. It is predicated on the assumption that hey have already
lost,  and therefore have no power.

- focus on others acting on them.
- pity party mentality
- victim proclaims moral innocence and Entitlement

- because of societal taboos regarding "blaming the victim" they are often immune from criticism
and exalted in their martyrdom
- become targets of relational aggression by other women
- Lacks confidence in her own mind and abilities to respond assertively
- mindset leaves them fearful - lacking confidence or skill to form healthy bonds with other women or men
- often had the mindset when young, so remain targets for bully's aggression
- excessively anxious, lack social skills needed to initiate new contacts or break into a group activity
- Their lack of confidence combined with submissiveness make them perfect targets for bullying
- Victims are often overly sensitive to being rejected
- They have difficulties in social skills, and social problem solving, as well as emotional regulation.
And because of their lack of social competence, victims score low on peer acceptance and popularity
"Whenever you take a passive role in your life and your relationship, and experience your actions as the
effect of someone or something else, you are playing the victim." 24.

"From movies to shows to women's magazines, we are inundated with messages that men are jerks.
They forget your birthday, they cheat, they can't remember to take out the trash, and all they
want to do is drink beer and watch football with their buddies.  Pop culture trains you to look
for these flaws in  your own partner, and when you find them, your worst fears are validated." 14

"Feeling like a victim of injustice in one situation does not make
us more sympathetic to victims.  It's as if there is a brick wall
between those two sets of experiences, blocking our ability to see
the other side." Mistakes Were Made 192.

"Perpetrators are motivated to reduce their moral culpability; victims are
motivated to maximize their moral blamelessness...the two antagonists misperceive
and misunderstand each other's actions." Mistakes Were Made 193.


"The way I snap out of victim mentality is by remembering how blessed my life is compared
with much of our global family.  I'm not fighting to survive genocide, poverty, or
daily street violence from an insurgent militia.  I have the luxury to feel lonely
when I'm without a romantic partner or to get irked by some emotional vampire.  I have the
gift of time to surmount negative emotions.  Seeing things this way stops me from wallowing,
and imprisoning indulgence." Judith Orloff, Emotional Freedom:  Liberate Yourself from Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life,
(NY: Three Rivers Press, 2009) 131.
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Charles Sykes, A Nation of Victims:  The Decay of the American Character, (NY:  St. Martin's Press, 1992)
"At times it seems we can no longer talk to one another.  Or, rather, we can talk - and shout, demand, and vilify - but we cannot reason.  We lack agreed upon standards to which we can refer our disputes." 15.

Victimhood as sincerity, holiness, martyrdom, authenticity, sensitivity
"Victimspeak is the trigger that permits the unleashing of an emotional and self-righteous response to any perceived slight...Victimspeak insists upon moral superiority and moral absolutism and thus tends to put an abrupt end to conversation..." 16.

"Blaming one's ills on oppression, on society, on psychological maladjustment, on racism, or on sexism is tempting because those complaints provide clarity and certitude - and perhaps even identity as part of a faux community of victims." 18.

"The complexity, impersonality, and uncertainty of modern life have made helplessness an attractive   escape hatch for members of all races." 23.

"The impotence that results from clinging to one's status as a victim has its own obvious attraction:  a surcease from the strains, choices, and tensions of a life that often seems to lack direction or meaning.
The rejection of the cold demands of personal responsibility can mean a return to the warmth and security of childhood." 23.
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Charles Sykes, A Nation of Victims,
"At times it seems we can no longer talk to one another.  Or, rather, we can talk - and shout, demand, and vilify - but we cannot reason.  We lack agreed upon standards to which we can refer our disputes." 15.

Victimhood as sincerity, holiness, martyrdom, authenticity, sensitivity
"Victimspeak is the trigger that permits the unleashing of an emotional and self-righteous response to any perceived slight...Victimspeak insists upon moral superiority and moral absolutism and thus tends to put an abrupt end to conversation..." 16.

 at the core of victim thinking is the belief that if you’re a victim of something, then the rules don’t apply to you. To put this another way, if you’re a victim, you’re not responsible for the results of your actions. Consequently, if you're not responsible, then you don't have to change anything: it's somebody else's fault.

Read more: http://www.empoweringparents.com/Im-a-Victim-So-the-Rules-Dont-Apply-to-Me-How-to-Stop-Victim-Thinking-in-Kids.php#ixzz2V2qCTgTs