THINKING:
"And it's about ALL of us, intelligent American females, ranging from girlhood to old age, who are dazzling ignorant about some critically important things." Lisa Bloom, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart, (NY: Vanguard Press, 2011) 1.
"Grown-up women giggle into TV cameras that they don't know how many sides a triangle has, nor can they venture a guess as to what country Mexico City might be in. I don't know which is worse: that they are PLAYING dumb, or that we REALLY ARE that clueless." Lisa Bloom, Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart, (NY: Vanguard Press, 2011) 2-3.FRIENDS EXTRAS
"Wishing to be friends is quick work, but friendship is a slow-ripening fruit." - Aristotle
"Women's friendships are some of the most intense relationships in the universe -
both in terms of their positive, supportive aspects as well as their negative,
problematic characteristics. Women's relationships can be vital, growth-producing,
fulfilling, and joyful; but they can also be difficult, painful, and damaging."
Jan Yager, Friendshifts, (Stamford, Ct: Hannacroix Creek Books, 1997) 11.
http://women.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/women/article687722.ece
The notion of a"BFF" is the result of misguided WISHFUL THINKING and unrealistic expectations
(SIMILAR TO THINKING ABOUT ROMANCE AND SOUL MATES)
Friendship is the all-too-human hunger for understanding and
acceptance it can bring cool, measured pleasures, sympathy,
and good instruction/advice. MissLed women who don't choose
friends wisely, however, miss out because quality friends are vital to
emotional health. They usually have shallow friendships - those of
utility or pleasure. A further complication is that frienship is subject to being
divided by the marriage of the other.
For most, making friends is a skill that must be learned. Frienships take work,
"average of three years to form a genuine friendship" - Dr. Jan Yager, Friendshifts, (Stamford, Ct: Hannacroix Creek Books, 1997) 4.
(There are no guarantees, however. Friendships are seldom static, and they evolve,
grow, deepen and sometimes even wither and fade away.)
Partly, this is due to their too high expectations from women friends for love, support,
flexibility - to be GIVEN TO THEM. They never learned the value of friendship:
"Friendship. It's something many people take for granted. They are unaware how
powerful and positive friendship can be, or they would take it more seriously."
Dr. Jan Yager, Frienshifts, (Stamford, Ct: Hannacroix Creek Books, 1997) 5.
Yet,
"...there are many women who do not respect, like, or trust
other women, although they may initially deny this." Joy Carol,
The Fabric of Friendship, (Notre Dame: Sorin Books, 2006) 19.
"Women's relationships are often complex, challenging, and not entirely
trustworthy. Women can be catty, gossipy, critical, revengeful, passive
aggressive, and hostile. Sometimes interactions between females are charged
with envy, competition, backstabbing, and misdirected anger. Moreover, women may
be unwilling to say what they really feel or need, or they may disappear from
relationships because they are unable to deal with problmes that come up. At
times they are unclear about boundary and control issues and disrespectful of
the female sex - and consequently of themselves." Joy Carol, The Fabric of
Friendship, (Notre Dame: Sorin Books, 2006) 19.
It makes sense, then, that slothful, impatient MissLed women don't
put the effort in or have sufficient patience to build lasting alliances.
"Women friends boost each other's confidence and help to smooth out the difficult
emotional details of daily lives." Joy Carol, The Fabric of Friendship, (Notre Dame: Sorin Books, 2006) 20.
"Although many women are extremely practiced at talking about
how their partners, their children, their mothers, their fathers,
their bosses have annoyed or hurt them, they are novices when it comes
to talking DIRECTLY with a friend about an upset or a hurt between them."
Luise Eichenbaum, Susie Orbach, Between Women: Love, Envy, and Competition in
Women's Friendships, (NY: Penguin Books, 1987) 147.
"If you don't intentionally nurture your friendships and invest time in them,
then they too easily dwindle away in the press of life. Luise Eichenbaum, Susie Orbach, Between Women: Love, Envy, and Competition in Women's Friendships, (NY: Penguin Books, 1987)
89.
"Making friends as children and teens was as effortless as breathing. As midlife women, though
it's suddenly a complicated dance whose steps we try to retrace but can't quite remember."
Marla Paul, The Friendship Crisis, (NY: St. Martin's Press, 2004) 5.
By playing it safe and being risk-averse, MissLed women often miss opportunties to make healthy friends:
"Befriending someone new, whether it is in business or in your personal life,
always involves risks." Jan Vager, When Frienship Hurts, (NY: Fireside, 2002) 157.
Unfortunately, by preferring to remain cocooned in their protective emotional armor,
MissLed into suppressing their NEED for friends. MissLed women
collect plenty of acquaintance friends, but none close enough to truly know them.
The walls they keep around themselves prevent them from making true connections with other women.
They put on masks appearing to be more put together than they really feel. It's hard to
overcome walls that have been built up by dishonesty or feigned feelings when it
comes to friends. Truth is, to be authentic and mutually beneficial, friendship
works best as a pairing of equals - based on mutual respect (too often lacking), shared
interests (too often shallow), and joint activities (too often sporadic).
In order to be profound and enduring, friendships should be selfless and not based
on keeping score.
Grown-up friends tend to be much more finicky and the selection process turns out
to be very challenging. Mature adults, in fact, realize that a conflict in a
friendship does not have to mean the end of the relationship, in fact it can
be a healthy thing. For many MissLed women, however, the challenge of confronting
a friend is too daunting. Because of their dread of the aftermath of
losing a "friend," they frequently remain in unhappy, unhealthy
friendships with other women. Instead the excuses they make are endless.
MissLed women underestimate, or, even disregard the value of men as friends...With men,
women can joke and banter
without any emotional baggage. "Friendships with men are lighter, more fun,"
said Sapadin. "Men aren't so sensitive about things." Some women in her study
also liked the protective, familial and casual warmth they got from men, viewing
them as surrogate big brothers. What they liked most of all, however, was getting some
insight into what guys really think. close male-female friends are extremely
emotionally supportive if they continuously examine their feelings, opinions
and ideas. "Males appreciate this because it tends not to be a part of their
same-sex friendships," she said. "Females appreciate garnering the male
perspective."
MissLed women struggle having quality friendships. This is somewhat understandable, given
the 21st century challenges to friendships - mobility, location disruption, divorce, lack
of community ethos. (Women now spend significantly less time socializing with their former traditional
sources of frienship - their neighbors):
This leaves a hole in many MissLed women's search for friend and allies:
"Without friends, problems weigh more and pleasure yield less joy. It's a palpable void."
Marla Paul, The Friendship Crisis, (NY: St Martin's Press, 2004) 5.
Deep friendships may be as emotionally fulfilling as romantic relationships. so
MissLed women would be wise to invest more in creating them.
In fact, proactive people generally are rewarded by increased social connections. Truth is,
taking action and FOLLOWING UP is key essence of making and keeping genuine friends.
===================================
MissLed women often have toxic, ineffective, or shallow
friendships:
"Friendships have become more complicated. The changed
status of women has in turn radically changed the nature
of many kinds of friendships: between husbands and wives,
between men and women, among women themselves."
Joseph Epstein, Friendships: An Expose', (NY: Houghton
Mifflin, 2006) xiv-xv.
"A great many women, including married women, are quick
to report that their female friendships are their main
support in life...Surveys have been taken in which many
men claim that their wives are their best friends, while
these same wives claim their best friends are in fact
other women." Joseph Epstein, Friendships: An Expose',
(NY: Houghton Mifflin, 2006) 96.
==================================================================================
Negative friends:
Successful friendships are marked by trust, honesty, confidentiality and commonality,
and empathy. Such characteristics that may be compromised when a once-supportive relationship
turns sour. When this happens, friends may become self-absorbed, overly dependent, highly critical or
even betray one another. Underlying childhood issues, such as low self-esteem,
intense sibling rivalry and poor parenting often prevent MissLed women from forming
satisfactory friendships. Instead, they find companyin the following "friend" types:
1. Misery Lover Friend - "This kind of friend functions
best when, either both of you have a similar problem,
or if you alone have a problem. In either case, she
thrives on the negative and she'll go out of her way
to comfort you - while secretly rejoicing in your
discontent. Drawn to mutual suffering and when the
playing field isn't level she exhibits envy and even
jealousy. So, while being the object of affection for
the misery lover is rewarding (because she understands
your pain and likes to be there to help out), it only
suffices as long as you are miserable and in need of
her attention."
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friend-or-foe/201002/the-misery-lover-in-your-life
2. User Friend - All too often, MissLed women are this type
of "friend." They will not or will rarely return
favors for others. They may genuinely feel and believe
that they're a good friend, but in actuality, either
their laziness or lack of reciprocity disqualifies them from
being considered as a valued, quality friend.ff
These friends can be enticing
and charismatic and knows how to wheedle their way into
other's lives and firmly entrench themselves. They also often have a
hidden agenda and, to this end, considers what is best
for them. The conflict is that they tend to be very appealing;
there is a sense that the friendship is attractive
enough to keep it intact, as frustrating as it can be.
3. Frenemy: This is a person with whom MissLed women are
friendly despite a fundamental dislike.
Read more: http://newsfeed.time.com/2010/08/19/chillax-bromance-it-must-be-new-words-in-the-dictionary-day/#ixzz1UtWF0c6QEither an MissLed women's friend or enemy. Often
Often the frenemy simultaneously idolizes and despises the other.
It is a relationship that is both mutually beneficial or dependent,
while being competitive, and fraught with risk and mistrust.
The frenemy is the dark side of the user, with
manipulation an underlying factor in these negative, even toxic
relationships. Unlike blatant enemies on the childhood schoolyard,
the frenemy's act is skillfully refined, This type of "friend" is especially
appealing to the MissLed women who love drama.
"Frenemies in the workplace are common, due to increasingly
informal environments and the "abundance of very close, intertwined
relationships that bridge people's professional and personal
lives ... [while] it certainly wasn't unheard of for people
to socialize with colleagues in the past, the sheer amount
of time that people spend at work now has left a lot of
people with less time and inclination to develop friendships
outside of the office."
"Frenemies at Work," Liz Ryan, BusinessWeek, June 14, 2007.
4. Trophy Friend - The trophy friend is out for the conquest
of making MissLed women her friends. To this end, she is
elevated her to a new level and she, in turn, offers them something
they don’t already have. The trophy friend is savvy about intimacy
and passion but falls short on authentic commitment to MissLed women.
5. Mirroring Friend - The mirroring friend has an identity that
resonates with MissLed women. With their matching joys and sorrows,
they are drawn to her in good times and bad. Finally, they are
sometimes able to provide great solace.
6. Sharer Friend - The sharer not only will trade confidences
but will pour herself into the friendship. They remain emotional
and open, friendly and focused; they want MissLed women
to be their best friend. This kind of friend anticipates, and
is unfraid to ask for, a serious pledge from friends.
7. Leader Friend - The leader is the friend MissLed women often
feel they must have, the one who can make or break their social lives.
They come across as a “winner” - strong and outspoken; MissLed women are drawn
to her
potency. Crossing them, however, is bad idea. This is the friend who gets
everyone invited (or, if crossed, univinted) to parties and initiates plans and
makes the decisions for the group.
8. Doormat Friend - MissLed women often are the doormat or
seek friends who are doormats. They see themselves as martyrs, never the
ones to make their demands known and rarely question anything.
They are useful when any friend, in any category, is in a
bad way - willingly absorbing any sorrows. Doormats yearn
to belong to a group, and also seek out intimate friendships.
To this end, they are never critical and won’t give friends
a hard time - no matter how appropriate, useful, or deserved.
9. Sacrificer Friend - MissLed women are also often sacrificer
friends or seek to take advantage of sacrificiers. These are is the
swho'll take the leap for their friends, and in tough times,
MissLed women lean heavily on them. Like the doormat friend,
their search for closeness is often what motivates them. However, when they discover that
their MissLed women friends are less dedicated to the friendship, they can
be very disappointed and dissillusioned.
Susan Shapiro Barash, Toxic Friends, (NY: St. Martin's Press, 2009) 262.
Other Examples of Negative or Destructive MissLed Friends Include:
- Promise Breakers: (Constantly disappointing)
- Double-crossers: (Betrays)
- Risk-takers: (Puts others in harm's way because of illegal or dangerous behavior)
- Self-absorbed/Takers: (Never has time to listen to others). They are takers: Everything is all
about them. Takers borrow and fail to return valuables. Self-absorbed friends show no interest in talking
about or doing anything unless it has a benefit to them.
- Cheats: (Lies or steals others romantic partner)
- Disclosers: (Betrays others' confidence)
- Competitors: (Excessively combative with others and wants what others
have - relationships, job, possessions)
- One-uppers: (Always one up on others)
- Rivals: (Desires whatever others possess and may try to take it from them),
Often envious (a typical MissLed trait) to the point of malice.
- Controllers: (Must be in charge of everything, from where to
meet for lunch to whom others date)
- Fault finders: Criticism abounds in this toxic relationship. Nothing is good enough
for this overly critical friend. Fault-finders
were probably raised by extremely judgmental parents who were also rearing equally
hypercritical siblings.
- Double Crossers: The Double-crosser is one who can affect you directly or indirectly.
They may be one that spreads a rumor about you based on knowledge from being a friend.
It could be an emotional double-cross as well, such as when a friend stops speaking
to you as punishment for a perceived offense.
- Bloodsuckers: (Drain the life from others)
- Excessively Needy: (Clingy, Demanding, insecure, draining. Like a wailing toddler, they
can be so demanding that their friendship tires and weighs down their friends)
- Loners: (They don't need anybody. Often, loners tend to focus more on their own
ideas - and on stimuli that don't register in the minds of others. Social engagement
drains them and/or makes them uncomfortable. On the other hand, quiet time gives
them an energy boost)
Dr. Jan Vager, When Frienship Hurts, (NY: Fireside, 2002) 30-31.
"Women confess to hanging on to difficult friendships even when they know
they're destructive." Susan Shapiro Barash, Toxic Friends,
(NY: St. Martin's Press, 2009) 1.
MissLed women have too many toxic, unhealthy friendships:
Ironically, they are often enablers who more excuses for their female friends than
they would ever make for their husbands and children.
Common reasons MissLed women betray, or are betrayed by, their
female friends include jealousy, rage, desire for revenge, poor
self-esteem, and their inability, or unwillingness, to cope with change.
"It seems that, inspired by the very "pro-friendship" tone in writings and
discussions about the topic over the last two decades, a myth of lifelong
friendship has emerged, even as the ideal of a lifelong marriage has, sadly,
become an unrealistic reality for many people.
The romanticized ideal that friendships should NOT end or fail may create
unnecessary distress in those who should end a friendship but hold on, no
matter what. They are clinging to the myth rather than understanding the
relationship. But if neither all friendships nor all marriages last a lifetime,
what's left to believe in that does.?" Jan Vager, When Friendship Hurts
(NY: Fireside, 2002) 5-6.
"For some, "friends for life" seems to have replaced the ideal of a lifelong
marital relationship. Of course, there are positive, wonderful friendships
that are mutually beneficial to both friends that SHOULD last a lifetime. But
there are other friendships that are negative, destructive, or unhealthy that
should end." Jan Vager, When Friendship Hurts, (NY: Fireside, 2002) 1.
MissLed women who have unrealistic expectations from friends suffer the same
letdown as those expecting a soul mate. These include, but are not limited to,
disappointment, disillusion, and a feeling of betrayal when the inevitable
conflicts and flaws become apparent.
Since they misguidedly prefer to avoid confrontation and blunt words, MissLed women
too commonly have shallow, sycophantic females they share activities with and refer to
as "friends." They expect these ladies to be relentlessly positive, and to
support them with unconditional love and feed their delusions of grandeur
and fabulousness. But these women are missing an invaluable ally in an
evolving, adventurous life: a genuine friend, who tells them truths - both
pleasant and unpleasant:
"Trust is honest and can be very blunt, but its never malicious - though
it sometimes hurts." Christine Arlyo, Choosing Me Before We, (Novata, Ca: New
World Library, 2009) 176.
"Truth telling is high-maintenance. Becoming a consistent truth teller
takes courage, determination, and will. That is what honesty is all about...
At the very least an lie - no matter how small - is a vote of no confidence
in the person to whom it's told." Christine Arlyo, Choosing Me Before We, (Novata, Ca: New
World Library, 2009) 250.
Genuine friendships are love, born out of reality. In contrast, love and "romance" are
the product of fantasy. What is often sought in ideals of romantic love are actually
found in deep friendships. Meaningful, valuable friendships, however, entail obligations - sometimes ample,
painful, and blunt. Reciprocity - not sycohphancy - is the heart of friendship.
Agreeing to disagree - something many women struggle with mightily - is extremely
crucial to the sustenance of friendship.
"Since there is no road map for our friendships, the boundaries frequently
blur and situations become tricky. Women confess to being taken advantage
of or, worse yet, taking advantage themselves. Some describe feeling "trapped"
by a "crazy" friend. They misperceive felling obligated to a close friend when they no longer have something in
common. They can either shift gears and remain in the relationship or cut
ties. MissLed women tend to stay.
MissLed women defend those friends who enable them or who are codependent. In this way, however,
they perpetuate unhealthy relationships and avoid healthy ones.
In part, women's struggle to make and keep genuine friends is a product of these hectic times:
"It isn't easy for women to make new friends, at any age, and this creates a
situation where we tolerate less-than-adequate relationships in order to
have friends." Susan Shapiro Barash, Toxic Friends, (NY: St. Martin's Press, 2009)
9.
"The pros and cons of these relationships are a force to reckon with;
how we depend upon one another cranks up disappointment, fantasies,
and fractures among women. The relationships also enable women to
feel secure, appreciated, and admired. While we can't escape the
perils and problems of certain friendships, those that are solid,
soulful, and caring provide shelter from the storm; they stand as
testimony to the power of female bonds." Susan Shapiro Barash,
Toxic Friends, (NY: St. Martin's Press, 2009) 262.
======================================================================
Kharma:
"No good deed goes unpunished." - Clare Boothe Luce
"Total jerks and evil people often get all the good breaks.
Being nice guarantees nothing." 57
MissLed women would like to believe that they live in an ultimately
just and fair universe. In this world view, good people are rewarded, though perhaps
not it this life - the bad guys get their comeuppance. The vector
through which this moral equilibrium functions is karma. This
is wishful-thinking. There is no evidence that the universe is
just or fair and no rational reason that it should be.
In addition, the inevitability of death, as well as the possibility
that there is no afterlife, are difficult pills for MissLed women
to swallow. As a result, they look for evidence, no matter
how unsubstantiated, that this is not the case.
Karma is a concept that MissLed women often enthusiastically embrace. They passionately, even
desperately, want to believe that there is some sort of balance
and justice in the world. This belief in Karma's existence
aids them to feel better about themselves - to allay their fear
of meaninglessness, and boost their forlorn hope for ultimate fairness
and justice in the cosmos.
Truth is, Karma is a superstition. It is akin to thinking that
walking under a ladder will cause a person bad luck or that carrying
a rabbit's foot will bring good luck. Sometimes life is fair,
most of the time it's not....That's just how it is.
Why are millions of children in Africa are hungry? Oh, it
must be the sins of their ancestors.
For numerous MissLed women, it's a comforting thought. Not
a true one, but comforting nonetheless. MissLed women make
themselves feel better about that they rely on this karma
nonsense and convince themselves that the wrongs or insults
will be addressed through some form of spiritual
intervention.
Due in part to these factors, incredibly, Karma is now spoken of with
seriousness and respect in many
official and professional circles, even the AD
COUNCIL has spread this BS concept in their misguided attempt
to increase volunteerism. The premise of Karma, however, is wishful thinking - and
this appeals to MissLed women's desire for fairness and justice. It simplifies
after all, if they are "good," good things will happen to
them. Of course, as the people who still think rationally
inconveniently point out, if there's any validity to this, then
why do bad things randomly happen to good people?
As for a refutation Karma with an American twist, consider the
long-suffering demises of both Dana and Christopher Reeve. Did
Dana Reeve have some hidden (or cause) bad Karma? Perhaps
Christopher Reeve was guilty of some nefairious misdeeds, or
perhaps his parents or grandparents were evil?
"On August 9, 2005 Reeve announced that, although she had
NEVER smoked cigarettes, she had been diagnosed with lung cancer.
Dana Reeve, who'd won admiration for her devotion to her husband, the
actor Chistopher Reeve, died April 9.
"She had a light within her that was captured by the way people talked
about her today, especially her son and stepchildren," Hillary
Clinton said after the private service. "She was one of
the most exceptional people I have ever known.
Apr 10, 2006 7:47 pm US/Eastern
Celebrities Pay Tribute To Dana Reeve NEW YORK (AP)
MissLed women (and gentleman) who are karma believers - how do
they explain that?
Rational people - those who understand not to expect the world
to balance out between good and evil, and prefer to see the
world as it really works, might quip that it's just another
case of "no good deed goes unpunished." In any case, the
truth is, we don't understand why these things happen, but we
must strive to understand that some things are inexplicable.
Karma is also yet another indicator of many MissLed women's self-centeredness.
It permits them to believe they are the center of the universe
- they're not. They're just here. They shouldn't trust "karma" to
catch up for them - if MissLed women want something to change, they
should take part in it. It is a popular belief for MissLed women because it's
so convenient, simplistic and appealing. It aligns with one
of their beliefs biases - known as Just-world phenomenon. This
is the tendency for people to believe that the world is just
and therefore people "get what they deserve."
Karma lets them look at their own good fortune and say "I deserve this! I
earned it, whether in this life or some previous one." It
also let them look at the bad fortunes of others and say "They
deserve that! They've earned it, whether in this life or
the previous one."
However much they want to believe in Karma, however, the truth remains, good things
do happen to good people. Good things happen to bad people too. Also, bad things happen to
good people, as well as bad things happen to bad people. Chaos - unpredictable,
unfair, random - not Karma, rules.
MissLed women don't understand - or accept - that organized
chaos is the way the world operates. People can only try
to navigate through it as best they can. The fact remains
that much of what happens throughout life is pure chance.
Being deluded that Karma is a divine force helps them explain away
the philosophical question of the inherent unfairness of life.
==================================================================================
254The sentimental, seductive appeal of Romance has company in being
a commonly-held belief. Too many MissLed women credulously
believe in the notion of DESTINY. Be it destiny, fate, or
karma, it is not a credit to MissLed
women who choose to abrogate responsibility for their own fate in
life by secretly, or openly, espousing trust in a divine force.
This trust in a plan outside of their control or knowledge
permits them to avoid being accountable for controlling
their own path in life. This is a false, dangerous, immature
notion,and it seriously hinders MissLed women seeking happiness
and fulfillment. Destiny is NOT fixed, Fate is not inevitable,
but one must have confidence and courage to make the best of
their life - and the power and self-worth earned from acquiring
knowledge of the difference between myths and truths.
Beliefs in Destiny is in contrast with what too many wishful thinking
MissLed women believe:
"Happy women know you can't control your destiny but you can participate
in it." Dan Baker Ph.D., Cathy Greenberg Ph.D., What Happy Women Know,
(NY: St. Martin's Griffin, 2008) 235.
Destiny is not real. Yet, somehow whatever happens in MissLed women's
lives - bad or good - is often rationalized in their minds after the
fact as "destiny." Sadly, while most men (and many women) proclaim themselves the makers of their
own destiny, MissLed women persist in believing in a fate or
divine "plan."
===============================================================================
As they misguidedly seek out information about their destiny, some MissLed
women turn to self-proclaimed psychics or mediums. In the past, most of these
pseudoscientific quacks preyed on gullible MissLed women (and others) by claiming clairvoyant abilities. However, they have adapted to the present mindset and language of MissLed women. Consequently, they now refer to ‘receiving’ thoughts or feelings from loved ones who have "passed." Such emotional messages are claimed to come from the ethereal "other side."
(In fact at any given gathering of psychic readings, most attendees
(at least 75%) are women).
Today, when MissLed women meet with a psychic they get easy-to-understand
words, comfort and usually something soothing and positive they can take
home. (Often psychic's intuition and experience dealing
with people’s emotional problems causes them to arrive at
legitimate conclusions as to how these individual might improve
themselves).
There is also a regrettable recent rise in MissLed women's interest in vampire
and ghostly matters, not seen since the days of the 19th century seances and gothic
novels. Silly entertainment abound with ghost hunters and vampires and their
lives:
"As consumers in the world of secular entertainment, we are inundated with
products featuring the ghost genre. There's a virtual glut of dead souls
gumming up our television channels...our movie theaters; our bookstores,
- even our radio stations." Jesse Bering, The Belief Instinct, (NY: W.W.Norton & Co, 2011) 113.
These beliefs, along with continued interest in Astrology, Tarot Cards, and exotic
beliefs and ancient practices , enticed by the dramatic appeal of antiquity and mystery (the other).
(women, especially MissLed women, LOVE mystery)
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