"I think, therefore I am." - René Descartes.
MissLed women too often don't comprehend that, as human beings, they are not, by nature, rational
animals. In order to thrive in the modern dynamic society, however, effective habits
of rational thinking must be learned and practiced. Wisdom and logic must also
be valued and pursued. Unfortunately, many MissLed women refuse to govern their lives by reason.
They persist in blindly trusting their emotions and intuition. Often, they are "supported"
in their irrational thinking by "friends." These influential, irrational peers convey
and reinforce their irrational thoughts. With their strong desire for social acceptance, MissLed
women are especially prone to peer reinforcement of irrational thinking.
MissLed women's irrationality is demonstrated by their thinking, speaking or acting without the
proportionate mental coherence. Indeed, several recent books have raised the alarm regarding the current stake of thinking in America. Lisa Bloom's "Think: Straight Talk for Women to Stay Smart in a Dumbed-Down World" specifically urges women to reclaim their brains, regain their focus, and take charge of their lives. Although targeted at both women and men, Daniel Kanheman's "Thinking, Fast and Slow" and Michael R. LeGault's "Think!: Why Crucial Decisions Can't Be Made in the Blink of an Eye" strive to encourage their readers to change how they think, not just about thinking, but about how they live their lives.
Of course most people don't read such books - especially MissLed women. Tragically, irrationality leads them away from reason and to the wrong type of "In" crowd :
- Inane communications (lack of sense, significance, or ideas; silliness).
- Ineffective Argumentation +
- Infantile Behaviors+
- Inexplicable Beliefs +
- Insufficient Critical Thinking +
- Inundated with fallacious reasoning, unrealistic expectations, belief in quackery, snake oil and pseudoscientific concepts and products.
- Decision Making
- Learning
- Problem-Solving
Examples of irrational behaviors of MissLed women include:
- They take offense or become angry about a situation that has not yet occurred.
- Express emotions exaggeratedly (such as crying hysterically).
- Maintain unrealistic expectations.
- Engage in irresponsible conduct - such as financial irresponsibility or public intoxication.
- Fall prey to unproven quackery or superstition, or even unethical marketing tactics.
- Ready acceptance of supernatural, paranormal, or pseudoscientific phenomena, or emotion-based beliefs and explanations.
compound the challenges many MissLed women's have with rational thinking. They perceive
that they lack sufficient time to calmly reflect and properly ponder their decisions. This
time pressure impacts their critical thinking, decision-making, and
problem-solving abilities:
"...all skills required in the frontal cortex, the executive portion of the brain. These
skills hinge on reflection, inner intellectual processes that include
evaluating the relevance and validity of information, probing for more
information where needed, analyzing and marshaling evidence, developing
hypotheses, making reasoned judgments, assessing ambiguity, constructing
arguments to persuade others (and ourselves), formulating inferences, calculating
likelihoods, envisioning alternative strategies, generating new ideas. These
are absolutely essential for analyzing problems and identifying solutions." Hara
Estroff Marano, A Nation of Wimps, (NY: Broadway Books, 2008) 165.
For MissLed women, such skills are not inculcated as girls so they become ingrained habits that they take into adulthood. As a result, neither reflection, nor contemplation - both of which
are critical habits for the development of their minds - is prioritized:
"Reflection is not promoted, or even valued, in their goal-directed, achievement-oriented
young lives." Hara Estroff Marano, A Nation of Wimps, (NY: Broadway Books, 2008) 166.
"Contemplation...demands and builds the ability to regulate one's emotions so as to
not get sidetracked by them - the ability to tolerate internal states." Hara Estroff Marano,
A Nation of Wimps, (NY: Broadway Books, 2008) 166.
Irrational Inferences are some of the most damaging results from irrational thinking.
Inferences that are irrational often occur when MissLed women's follow
"distortions of reality."
Why are they so important to understand? Because, for MissLed women, irrationality can prevent them from
fully thriving in their lives:
"The key to the good life is applying rationality to the most irrational sphere of life, emotion." Tom Butler Bowdon, 50 Psychology Classics, (NY: MJF Books, 2007) 76.
Irrational Inferences include:
- Black-and-white thinking: When MissLed women misperceive things in extremes. For them, there is no middle ground. (This is also known as Polarized Thinking: Good vs. bad, success vs. failure, right vs. wrong, moral vs. immoral). Therein, they think of things in absolute terms. Words that typify black-and-white thinking include "always," "every," and "never."
thinking is a weak foundation for our sense of identity and makes us vulnerable to
every little criticism." Tom Butler Bowdon, 50 Psychology Classics, (NY: MJF Books, 2007) 276.
"Polarized thinking speaks to inaccurate absolutes - right or wrong, all
or nothing. Relationships are either catastrophic or amenable, with
nothing in between...Polarized thinkers tend to think in terms of always
or never, disappointing or gratifying, and loving or hating." Lee Raffel,
I Hate Conflict, (NY: McGraw-Hill, 2008) 164.
- Filtering: Focusing exclusively on certain, usually negative or upsetting, aspects of something, while ignoring the rest. Often this includes being associated in negative (“I am so stupid!”). It also can include being dissociated in positive (“You have to be pretty smart to do my job”).
MissLed women who filter irrationally only see what is wrong with themselves or the world, while
ignoring any positives. For example, they selectively hear the one tiny negative thing while surrounded by all the very positive things.
- Over-generalization: When MissLed women take isolated cases and use them to make wide generalizations. They mistakenly believe that some event which has happened once or twice is happening all the time, or that it will be a never-ending pattern: "I'll always be a failure", or "No-one will ever want to love me."
- Mind-reading: MissLed women who make presumptions or guesses (often highly inaccurate) regarding what other people are thinking. They assume the worst about what other people think about them and their words or actions. For example, "She ignored me on purpose," or "He's mad at me."
- Fortune-telling: MissLed women who have beliefs about the future that includes a fixed destiny. Such beliefs are biased (often pessimistic) expectations or predictions. Two examples: "I'll be depressed forever," or "Things can only get worse."
- Emotional reasoning: MissLed women believe that what they are feeling is true regardless of any presented evidence. Their reasoning is skewed toward irrationality because it is clouded by their emotions. The basic, misguided assumption behind such emotional reasoning is "Where there's smoke, there's fire." Not surprisingly emotional reasoning steers them wrong because, quite often, smoke is not firm evidence of fire. Indeed, MissLed women who allow themselves to get caught up in emotional reasoning tend to be partially or completely blinded to the difference between feelings and facts.
- Labeling and Mislabeling: Related to overgeneralization, it is MissLed women's attempt to irrationally explain person or situation by naming. Rather than describing the specific behavior, they assign a label to someone or themselves. The label is in both absolute and unalterable, negative terms. They make a faulty logical leap from behavior/action (“he called me a name…”) to identity (“therefore, he’s a jerk”). Indeed, labeling can damage relationships:
- Disqualifying the Positive: Continually “shooting down” positive experiences for arbitrary, ad hoc reasons. MissLed women who disqualify the positive can't discuss a subject rationally because they are using a double standard. Negative evidence, no matter how weak or irrelevant, MissLed women who disqualify the positive can't discuss a subject rationally because they use a double standard. Negative evidence, no matter how weak or irrelevant, counts. Positive evidence, no matter how strong or persuasive, is discounted.
- Personalization and Blame: This is known as “the mother of guilt.” For MissLed women, personalization occurs when they hold themselves personally responsible for an event that isn’t entirely under their control. This leads to unnecessary guilt, shame, and feelings of inadequacy. Blame, on the other hand, is the flip side of personalization and leads MissLed women away from responsibility and self-examination:
"Aside from shifting responsibility, blame is used as a way of avoiding self-examination." Joel D. Block, Ph.D., Friendship: How to Give It, How to Get It, (NY: MacMillan, 1980) 189.
- Some MissLed women irrationally blame others or their circumstances for their problems. Indeed, blamers overlook ways that they might be contributing to the problem: “The reason my marriage is so lousy is because my spouse is totally unreasonable.” Instead of taking responsibility on themselves, MissLed women shift it to somebody else. Behind this cognitive distortion lies the assumption that if anything goes wrong, it must be somebody's fault. There are no mistakes, only crimes against MissLed women. For them, the "criminals" must be found and punished.
"For most of us, blaming others is more common that we realize. This is especially true when it comes to sex and romance." Laura Berman, Ph. D., It's Not Him, It's You!: How to Take Charge of Your Life and Create the Love and Intimacy You Deserve, (NY: DK Publishing, 2010) 10.
"When you are unhappy, it is easy to slip into blaming behavior, accusing your partner of not being understanding or romantic enough...It's much easier (and safer) to sit around blaming other people for your problems." Laura Berman, Ph. D., It's Not Him, It's You!: How to Take Charge of Your Life and Create the Love and Intimacy You Deserve, (NY: DK Publishing, 2010) 14.
Some current societal factors that help explain why so many MissLed women fall
prey to irrational thinking - particularly irrational inferences - include:
- Increasing emotional or physical stress
- The rapid introduction of new or unique situations (constant, rapid change)
- Mainstreaming of Intoxication (binge drinking and the rising acceptance of public drunkenness of women)
WHY DOES IRRATIONAL THINKING MATTER?
A lack of rational thinking tends to lead MissLed women to perceive reality through a highly lens. (They often badly misinterpret what is actually happening).
It results in illogical habits of evaluating themselves, others, and the world around them.
Irrational thinking creates extreme emotions that often persist, and which can distress and
immobilize MissLed women. Too often, irrational inferences lead to them being unrealistic and illogical.
It can even lead to behaviors that harm themselves, others, and their life in general.
DEBILITATIVE EMOTIONS
Much of MissLed women's MissThinking stems from their vulnerability to debilitative emotions. These come from the combination of their irrational thoughts and their propensity for logical fallacies. Such feelings can significantly hinder, or event prevent, the effectiveness of their functioning. Often times, MissLed women are not consciously aware of their debilitative emotions.
This makes them particularly damaging, and, of course, that much more challenging to overcome.
Many debilitative emotions involve communication apprehension. This fear causes
them to avoid expressing themselves clearly and effectively. Unfortunately for them,
when they speak out less, their most important needs can't be met. This communication
deficit results in damaging both their personal relationships and career effectiveness.
For MissLed women, seven debilitative emotions predominate:
1. The Fallacy of Perfection: The belief that they should be able to
handle every situation with confidence and skill. Perfectionistic MissLed women
unrealistically feel that they must be flawless in all circumstances. They
misperceive that others won’t like them if they’re not perfect. To them, sharing
their feelings of uncertainty or admitting their mistakes seem like social defects.
In fact, perfectionism pivots around approval, reflection and control.
It is an all-or-nothing state of mind, in which a failure
is always seen as fatal and total. Ironically, the ultimate result of this fallacy is often
that much of their energy is drained away and their friendships are put at risk.
In the end, it would be much better - even a relief - for them to
recognize that they’re not perfect, and that:
• Like everyone else, they sometimes have a hard time expressing themselves.
• Like everyone else, they make mistakes and there is no reason to hide this.
• They are doing the best they can to reach their potential.
2. The Fallacy of Approval: This is based on MissLed women's misguided and
unrealistic belief that they can have the approval of nearly everyone. Too often, by
seeking approval, they sacrifice their own principles and happiness. This debilitative
emotion leads to some unfortunate, self-defeating feelings:
• Feeling nervous because people seem to disapprove of them.
• Feeling apologetic when others are at fault.
• Feeling embarrassed after behaving unnaturally to gain approval.
The fallacy of approval is irrational, because it wrongly implies that others will
like them more if MissLed women go far enough to please them. MissLed women misperceive
that the only way to gain respect or get someone to like them is to set aside their own need
and wants. The price for such people pleasing, is often substantial. One significant
cost is loss of self respect and dignity. Unsurprisingly, people don’t admire or respect those who willingly
seek approval at the cost of compromising their own values.
3. The Fallacy of Should: This is their inability to distinguish between what is and what
they feel should be. MissLed women tell themselves that they have an obligation to do something different from what they are doing. "Shoulding" is focus on what they can’t control.
In some cases, they focus on other people's expectations of them, instead of their own needs. For example, they feel they ought to help a co-worker with his project - even though it will make them fall behind in their work.
Some MissLed women constantly, and ultimately futilely, complain about how their world "ought," or "should" be:
“There ought to be no rain on weekends.”
"I shouldn't have to work Mondays."
Of course, wishing that the unchangeable should be changed won’t affect their
reality. Unfortunately, however, many MissLed women torture themselves (and frustrate
others, who have to listen to their exclamations) by persisting in this
fallacy:
“My friends should be more understanding.”
“My husband ought to listen to me better.”
This notion - that MissLed women prefer that others would behave differently - is
both unreasonable and unrealistic. Despite the futility of trying to control
others, too many of them continue to insist that the world should operate the way
they want it. Being obsessed with “should” has troublesome consequences for them:
* It leads to unhappiness, due to their constantly dreaming about the ever-elusive
ideal. They are constantly unsatisfied with what they have.
* Merely complaining - without acting - prevents them from changing unsatisfying conditions.
* "Shoulds" build resistance in others. People resent what they perceive as nagging. In fact, it would
be more effective for MissLed women if they told people what they want them to do:
“I prefer that you’d be on time,” is better than “You should be on time.”
* "Shoulds" are often linked to excuse-making, and a subsequent loss of confidence:
"The more "shoulds" (I should do this, or do that, because..) we have in our life, the more justifications we have to come up with. We become covered in
a cloak of excuses, while inside confidence slowly ebbs away." Tom Butler Bowdon, 50 Psychology Classics, (NY: MJF Books, 2007) 45.
"Shoulding,” then, leads to much frustration and discontentment for many MissLed women. It also tends to build a defensive climate in others. A MissLed woman who insists that people be more punctual, work harder, or refrain from using certain language is often perceived as an irritating carp.. This complaining attitude serves to limit them from personal achievement, from
effectively changing their circumstances, and damages their authenticity:
"Shoulds prevent us from seeing how our life really is - and from
taking appropriate action. Shoulds are pretenses. " Susan Campbell,
Ph. D, Getting Real: Ten Truth Skills You Need to Live an Authentic Life, (Novato, Ca: New World
Library, 2001) xix.
"Shoulds also justify not taking action in a situation that has
become intolerable...Shoulds keep you from owning your power
to create the life you want. They keep you in denial about your
actual feelings and situation." Susan Campbell,
Ph. D, Getting Real: Ten Truth Skills Need to Live, (Novato, Ca: New World
Library, 2001) xix.
When they direct should statements towards others, they feel anger, frustration,
and resentment. Ultimately, "shoulds" provide nothing beneficial or effective for MissLed Women:
"No scientific explanation of how the world works can tell us how
we should politically or morally act. Science knows nothing of "should."
Steven Goldberg, When Wish Replaces Thought: Why So Much of What You
Believe is False, (Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 1991) 105-106.
"People have healthy, and often strong, desires, goals, and
values that they raise to absolutistic musts, shoulds, demands, and necessities...
they frequently invent 'the tyranny of the shoulds." Albert Ellis, PhD., Overcoming
Destructive Beliefs, Feelings, and Habits, (Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2001) 20.
4. The Fallacy of Overgeneralization: When MissLed women draw a conclusion from insufficient or false information. Too often, they misguidedly rate their overall personal worth from such fallacious conclusions:
"People evaluate or rate their thinking, feeling and behaving as "good"
when it seems to help them and their group. But they also overgeneralize and give
global ratings to their selves, their personalities, and their essences...This amounts
to patent overgeneralizing, because the individual is making part of her behavior equal
to the whole of her behavior - and even to her future behavior, which cannot be known. It is
demand fulfilling since its main underlying goal may be to make the demand a totally good
person who deserves to ascend to heaven in a golden chariot when she has merely
done some personally or socially "good deeds." Unfortunately, it frequently rates the individual
as totally bad or worthless when she has merely done a "bad" deed...In regard to thinking, feeling,
and behaving, it puts people's entire worth, instead of mere performances, on the line." Albert
Ellis, PhD., Overcoming Destructive Beliefs, Feelings, and Habits, (Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2001) 20-21.
This includes two types:
* The first is demonstrated when MissLed women base their belief(s) on a limited amount of evidence:
“I’m so stupid! I can’t even figure out my income tax.”
“Some friend I am! I forgot my best friend’s birthday.”
When they overgeneralize, they tend to focus on one shortcoming, as if it represented everything
about them. They fail to recall the instances where they HAVE in fact solved difficult problems.
Similarly, they don't remember the times they have been caring and thoughtful.
* The second occurs when they exaggerate any real or imagined shortcomings:
“You never listen to me.”
"I can’t think of anything.”
These statements are nearly always false, and tend to lead to disappointment or, even
worse, anger. Overgeneralizing women are the drama queens of exaggeration.
They tend to use exaggerating words such as ALWAYS and NEVER. This
results in making others uncomfortable, defensive, or dismissive. The recipients
typically show their reactions in body language - by raising their eyebrows in skepticism
or shaking their heads in disgust.
5. The Fallacy of Causation: This is the irrational belief
of some MissLed women that their emotions are caused by OTHERS. The actual source of their emotions,
however, is their inner voice or self-talk.
Similarly, they tend to wrongly feel that THEY cause others to be angry,
upset, or happy. In both instances, it only SEEMS true, but it is not.
Without properly understanding causation, they are not able to comprehend that THEY create
their own responses to behavior.
6. The Fallacy of Helplessness: The false suggestion that forces - beyond MissLed women's
control - determine their opportunities for success and satisfaction in life.
They misconstrue that they are helpless victims, who are powerless to do anything to
change their situation. This is shown by statements such as:
“There’s no way a woman can get ahead in this society. It’s a man’s world,
and the best thing I can do is to accept it.”
“I can’t tell my boss that he is putting too many demands on me. If I did,
I might lose my job.”
In fact, many of their “can’t” statements would be more correctly phrased as “won’t”
(“I can’t tell him what I think” is better phrased as “I won’t tell him what I
think”). Another statement of helplessness is “I don’t know how.” Truth is, many of
these are really MissLed women's rationalizations for not wanting to
change or face challenges. "Cant's" justify their fear or disinterest in facing change. Simply put,
they don't want to accept responsibility for change. MissLed women who think this
way prefer to take solace, even self-satisfaction, in feeling that their lives are
determined by forces beyond their control. For them, any failure to obtain what
they really want is rationalized as being beyond their control.
7. The Fallacy of Catastrophic Expectations: This is the premise that
if something bad can happen to MissLed women, it will. In their misguided mindset, what
will happen will be so awful that they won't be able to cope:
“If I invite them to the party, they probably won’t want to come.”
“If I tell them how I really feel, they’ll probably laugh at me.”
Ironically, this is the opposite of MissLed women's most common thinking error - wishful thinking.
MissLed women who suffer from this mindset often tellingly say, "Just my luck." This error also
feeds into "self-fulfilling prophecies." When they constantly express fear of a result, the monotonous
repeating of the fear may become the cause of the result. An example is when a wife constantly
expresses concern that a husband will leave her. This so exasperates him over the years that he
ultimately leaves her over it.
=======================================================================================
WHY DO DEBILITATIVE EMOTIONS MATTER?
Yet again, happiness and success is sabotaged when MissLed women don't recognize and then
overcome debilitative emotions. When, they don't, they are unable to cope effectively with
life in general. The best ways for MissLed women to minimize debilitative emotions are improving their self-awareness, disputing their irrational beliefs, and soberly considering the source of
the feelings.
===========================================================================================
Emotions are mental evaluations of experience. Simply put, they tell people what makes them feel
good and what makes them feel bad. For MissLed women, emotions drive them to think in ways
that too often result in their being trapped in a bad situation, or make a bad situation even worse.
THINKING TRAPS are patterns that result from poor reasoning skills and the overemphasis that
MissLed women put on emotions:
1. All-or-nothing thinking: (Complete Discussion earlier in Irrational Inferences) This occurs when MissLed women view events as either black or
white. For example, if a situation is less than perfect, they consider it a total failure.
2. Over-generalization: (Complete Discussion earlier in Irrational Inferences) This is their tendency to view a single or temporary event as a general or permanent state of affairs. They often misuse the
words "never," or always." This thinking trap limits their ability to accurately describe
what they perceive.
3. Jumping to conclusions: When MissLed women quickly rush to judgment
before all the facts are in. They assume something negative, even where there is actually no evidence to support it. Two specific subtypes are:
a) Mind reading – MissLed women assume the intentions or thoughts of others. They do so despite the fact that they, of course, lack sufficient knowledge of others' actual thoughts. For example, they'll
arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to them without checking to see if it is true.
Unfortunately for them, mind reading is notoriously unreliable and inaccurate:
"Some people are deft mind readers, picking up subtle intonational shifts and adjusting their
response with imperceptible ease. Others mind read with the subtlety of a Mack
truck, constantly second-guessing themselves or interrogating their conversational
partners. Some are simply "mind blind," shut off entirely from other people's
internal monologues." Steven Johnson, Mind Wide Open: Your Brain and the Neuroscience of Everyday Life, (NY: Scribner, 2004) 22.
"When spouses' high expectations are thwarted, they are prone to jump to negative
conclusions about the partner's state of mind and the state of marriage. Relying on what
amounts to mind reading, the disillusioned spouse jumps to damning conclusions about the
cause of the trouble...He's being this way because he's filled with hate." Aaron T. Beck, M.D., Love is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy, (NY: Harper & Row, 1988) 15-16.
In fact, MissLed women's misguided attempts to read their partner's mind often badly backfires:
"Mind reading can produce inaccurate predictions resulting
either in unnecessary upset or in what could prove to be a
false sense of security. And such erroneous conclusions can
lead to even troubles." Aaron T. Beck, M.D., Love is Never Enough: How Couples
Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts and Solve Relationship Problems
Through Cognitive Therapy, (NY: Harper & Row, 1988) 19.
"Wishing your mate could read your mind is a setup for frustration for
both of you - as is thinking you can read your partner's mind. The alternates to wishing
and wondering are saying and asking."
Susan Heitler, PH. D., The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong and Loving Marriage, (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1997) 16.
"Waiting for someone to read your mind can be painfully frustrating...It's much easier to be an adult.
Unlike an infant or toddler, you needn't depend on the mind-reading ability of others. You have safer
options. You can say what you want. Guessing your mate's feelings and thoughts creates needless tension, trouble, and confusion. Instead, ask. Say aloud the question in your mind." Susan Heitler, PH. D., The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong and Loving Marriage, (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1997) 16-17.
b) Fortune telling – When MissLed women irrationally jump to conclusions - they assume that things will turn out badly. In their thinking, nothing but danger lies ahead. The Fortune Telling Error happens they we anticipate that things will turn out badly and
feel convinced that their prediction is an already-established fact (even when based upon little or no evidence).
4. Exaggeration or magnification: This is the all-too-common proverbial "making a mountain out
of a molehill." MissLed women are susceptible to magnifying or minimizing a memory or
situation in such a way that it no longer corresponds to objective reality.
They tend to dwell on a situation that has long passed and is therefore no longer significant.
Magnification occurs when MissLed women exaggerate that which is only a partial truth.
5. Minimization: This is when MissLed women understate the positive, or exaggerate the negative
elements of a situation. This may involve minimizing their accomplishments or dangerously
discounting the potential risk of a situation.
6. Emotional reasoning: When MissLed women make decisions based on how they interpret of reality, rather than on objective reality.
7. Confirmation bias: MissLed women too
often accept only data and information that support their current beliefs. They have an inability
to understand their own, powerful propensity to defend their own actions and beliefs:
"In all likelihood, if you are confronted with what you are doing, you will
probably deny it. You might even bring some righteous indignation
to the denial. When its rules and properties are spelled out, the confirmation
bias is actually quite unappealing to most people. They agree that is is not
very reasonable or fair. It is not the kind of mental style they want to
associate with themselves. People prefer to see themselves as open-minded,
rational, and fair. Those are admirable qualities, indeed, and it is good that we value them so highly.
It's just that those qualities are almost the opposite of how we function in the
real world...In short, we don't play fair. We are emotionally invested in supporting
our beliefs and worldviews. We have an almost inexhaustible supply of
"Yes, buts" when some of that threatening negative evidence peers
around the corners of our belief system." Hank Davis, Caveman Logic:
The Persistence of Primitive, (Amherst, NY: Prometheus Books, 2009) 184.
"Avoid Thinking Traps: Emotions often get in our way of thinking clearly," by Dr. Ron Brea
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-the-face-adversity/201107/avoid-thinking-traps
Some additional "Common Thinking Traps" as described by Canadian Psychologist Danny Gagnon, PhD.:
- Blaming: They are far too focused on the other person as the source of their negative feelings. MissLed blamers refuse to take responsibility for changing themselves. For example: "She's to blame for the way I feel now" or "My parents caused all my problems."
- Unfair comparisons: When MissLed women interpret events through their own unrealistic standards. They misguidedly focus primarily on those who do better than them. They then judge themselves inferior in the comparison. For example: "She's more successful than I am" or "Others did better than I did on the test."
- Regret orientation: They misplace their focus on the idea that they could have done better in the past, rather than on what they could do better now. For example: "I could have had a better job if I had tried" or "I shouldn't have said that."
- What if?: MissLed women ask a series of questions about "what if" something happens, and they are never satisfied with any of the answers. For example: "Yeah, but what if I get anxious?" Or "What if I can't catch my breath?"
- Inability to disconfirm: They reject any evidence or arguments that might contradict their negative thoughts. For example, when they have the thought "I'm unlovable," they reject as irrelevant any evidence that people like them. Consequently, their negative thoughts cannot be refuted.
- Judgment focus: When MissLed women view themselves, others, and events in terms of black/white evaluations (good-bad or superior-inferior). They do this rather than simply describing, accepting, or understanding. They are continually measuring themselves and others according to arbitrary standards. Usually, they find that they and others fall short. In any case, they remain far too focused on the judgments of others as well as their own judgments of themselves.
http://www.montrealcbtpsychologist.com/userfiles/373150/file/Thinking_Traps_Handout.pdf
Still another set of ineffective thinking styles are identified in Zachary Shore's 2008 book Blunder. Therein, he describes 7 "cognition traps." He defined these as "inflexible mindsets formed by faulty reasoning."
Zachary Shore, Blunder: Why Smart People Make Bad Decisions, (NY: Bloomsbury USA, 2008) 6.
Sadly, many are these inflexible mindsets are all-too-commonly found among MissLed women:
1. Exposure Anxiety: Their predilection to project overconfidence as a response
to fear or uncertainty. This is based mostly on their strong desire not to appear weak.
2. Infomania: MissLed women's mistaken tendency to hoard information for themselves, or ignore
information that they don't want to hear.
3. Static Cling: Their misguided desire for constancy and stability in a changing world. Much
like the illusion of permanence, this leaves them unable to cope effectively with change:
"Static cling is the cognition trap that prevents us from either
recognizing or accepting a changing world. It blindsides our
imagination just when a broader view is most essential. In static
cling, people cannot accept that their surroundings are in fundamental
flux. Instead of soberly assessing those changes and adapting to them,
those with static cling resist. Their longing for things to remain as
they have always been keeps them from prosperity, peace, and success."
Zachary Shore, Blunder: Why Smart People Make Bad Decisions, (NY: Bloomsbury USA, 2008)
184.
4. Causefusion: Their propensity to confuse correlation with causation. They tend to also
inappropriately and misguidedly assign a simple narrative to explain unrelated, often complex, events:
"Causation confusion - or causefusion for short - is any misunderstanding
about the causes of complex events. Causefusion is a cognition trap that causes us to
oversimplify, often at our own peril." Zachary Shore,
Blunder: Why Smart People Make Bad Decisions, (NY: Bloomsbury USA, 2008) 31.
MissLed women, with their propensity for arrogant assumptions and emotional reasoning, are often quite susceptible to causefusion:
"I think it's fair to say that causefusion is common because
our ability to identify true causes is easily impaired by our
assumptions. We constantly make assumptions and are not
even aware we have made them. Here, again, our emotions
cloud our reason. Arrogance could be driving some people to
insist they know the cause." Zachary Shore, Blunder: Why Smart
People Make Bad Decisions, (NY: Bloomsbury USA, 2008) 64.
5. Flatview: MissLed women's inclination to see the world in inaccurate, black and white terms, rather than recognizing it in the more accurate view - as shades of gray.
6. Cure-allism: Their proclivity to try and solve diverse problems with a single solution.
It is their dogmatic belief that a theory that worked with other problems can the be applied
indiscriminately in solving other problems. In effect, they mistakenly perceive that one-size
solutions can solve all problems.
7. Mirror Imaging: MissLed women's penchant to transfer reactions and beliefs on to others,
thinking that everyone will react to events the way they would:
"Mirror imaging is the cognition trap in which we assume, consciously or
unconsciously, that the other side will think and act like us. It is
arguably the most prevalent cognition trap because we all tend to ignore
those things that are not important to us. We have an almost instinctive
difficulty imagining how others might perceive things differently from the
way we ourselves perceive them." Zachary Shore, Blunder: Why Smart People Make Bad
Decisions, (NY: Bloomsbury USA, 2008) 162.
WHY DO THINKING TRAPS MATTER?
"The danger of cognition traps is that they come in many
guises, and avoiding one is no guarantee of avoiding other.
They crop up in every conceivable context. They ensnare us
in all of our relationships, on the international, the organizational,
and the interpersonal levels. Only an intimate familiarity with their
hallmarks can help us to spot and avoid them." Zachary Shore, Blunder:
Why Smart People Make Bad Decisions, (NY: Bloomsbury USA, 2008)
29.
====================================================================================
EMOTIONAL THINKING is not just the positive emotions of love, compassion, empathy,
too often, it is fed by Emotional Pollutants:
MissLed women's emotional pollution is transmitted overtly by their body language, facial
expressions, and tone of voice. It is also shown covertly - by their
words and behavior. Ironically, the negative impact of the more subtle
forms of MissLed women's emotional pollution is nearly as great as the more
dramatic forms.
1. Entitlement:
This emotional pollutant is becoming increasingly common among MissLed women. Entitlement
is demonstrated when they react negatively when they see people they perceive to be in their way. They
behave as if they deserve special treatment or consideration.
The entitled expect to cut in front of the line, text/talk loudly
wherever they want, drive at any speed they like, and say and do practically anything they
please. By asserting that their rights are more important
than others', in essence, they imply that others don't matter.
Entitled emotional polluters often feel put upon by what they misperceive
as the world's unfairness. They have a misguided idea that there's a general
insensitivity to their needs. For them, standards are grossly inflated - both of what they
should receive and what other people should do for them. Not surprisingly,
they feel chronically disappointed and offended. From their
myopic, entitled perspectives, compensation is expected for their constant frustrations.
Special consideration seems like so little to ask! Here's how an entitled
MissLed woman expresses the emotional pollutant of entitlement:
"It's so hard being me, I shouldn't have to wait in line, too!"
"I'm the woman; you have to support me!"
2. Resentment:
The most common emotional pollutant, MissLed women's resentment
is based on their biased misperception of unfairness. This pollution normally rears its head
when they don't receive the help, appreciation, consideration, praise,
reward, respect, or affection they FEEL they DESERVE. It is certainly one of the most
unpleasant emotional pollutants for people to be near. Resentful MissLed women are quite
caught up with their "rights" and with the imagined "wrongs" allegedly done to them. This leaves them
so locked into their own perspectives that they often become extremely insensitive to the
rights and perspectives of others.
3. Anger:
By far, the most contagious of all emotional pollutants. Angry MissLed women
scan the environment for evidence of threat or aggression. Quickly, they react to it - often
before they are even consciously aware of it. In other words, they'll be
defensive and angry (or afraid) in response to a real or imagined slight -
before they even know it.
4. Superiority:
This is the implication, through body language or tone of voice,
that MissLed women perceive or portray themselves as better than someone
else. These emotional polluters feel this way because they need
to feel better than someone else in order to feel good about themselves:
"Someone has to be in the bottom half of the curve; we cannot all
be in the positive tail in of the distribution. We can, however, all believe
that we are at the high end of most positive attributes. This illusion
is known as the Superiority Illusion or the Superiority Bias)...We are quite
confident that we are more interesting, attractive, friendly and successful than
the average person." Tali Sharot, The Optimism Bias: A Tour of the Irrationally Positive Brain,
(NY: Vintage Books, 2012) 15.
Genuine self-esteem, however, is a virtually unachievable goal for those
who need to feel superior. No matter what criterion they use to determine their superiority, they
will always find people with more of it. Inevitably, they'll meet those who are
smarter, wealthier, more powerful, better looking, or more popular. Failure, then, is the inevitable
end of this precarious notion of self-worth.
(Slightly less toxic, though no less pleasant, examples of this form of emotional pollution
are displays of arrogance and self-righteousness).
5. Pettiness:
Petty MissLed women tend to make a mountain out of molehill. They over-focus on one
small, negative aspect of a situation. Little or no attempt is made to see the
bigger picture. By confronting others with petty attitudes or behaviors,
they attempt to make them feel reduced, to feel as if nothing they have ever
done right matters. Their pettiness is usually a function of
resentment; for MissLed women who feel resentful, nothing is too petty to resent.
6. Sarcasm:
This comes in many forms. Sometimes it's MissLed women's poorly-timed humor - saying the wrong thing
in the wrong context. In other instances, it's innocently insensitive, with no intention to hurt
or offend. Most often, though, sarcasm is hostile. Their sarcasm is usually meant to devalue. Its purpose
is to undermine any opinion or perspective that they don't agree
with, or to shake another's confidence. This serves as a temporary gain for their ego or as a
strategic advantage. Sarcastic MissLed women tend to be particularly skilled at
impression management. They are always striving to sound smart or witty. By doing so,
they often desire to be admired rather than liked. Their tone is always diminishing.
"We often use sarcasm as a way of communicating contempt or disagreement with something that someone is doing, thinking or proposing. Sarcasm is a veiled and vague attempt to show disagreement or displeasure." John Stoker, Overcoming Fake Talk: How to Hold REAL Conversations that Create Respect, Build Relationships, and Get Results,(Springfield, UT: Light Storm Consulting, 2013) 161.
7. Victim identity:
"He makes me..."
"She did ______ to me."
Those are the words of MissLed women with a victim identity. Too often, they are
easily prone to feeling defensive, diminished, distrusted, manipulated, or used.
Any personal responsibility for regulating how they feel (such as cheering themselves up when
they're down and calming themselves when they're upset) is abdicated through
their chronic blaming. "I feel bad and it's your fault" is a perfect example of how
a person with this mindset speaks. The pollution element of victim identity is also found
in its air of entitlement, along with its built-in revenge motive. They demand vengeance - to see the
perceived offender punished.
Self-defined victims attempt to seize and hold the high moral ground. In that
rarefied air, even objective arguments and common sense are dismissed as “mean” or
denounced as “blaming the victim.”
MissLed women with a victim identity therefore have little prospect for any
profound growth or healing. Their attitudes announce loudly: "What others have
done to me is more important that who I am as a person." For them, self-worth
is measured by the never-quite adequate apologies of others or
the degree of "validation" they receive.
8. Enmity:
This is MissLed women's feeling or condition of hostility, hatred. ill- will,
animosity; or antagonism. Typically, their enmity is expressed as a rejection or put-down.
Not surprisingly, then, others tend to perceive MissLed women's enmity as a casual disregard for them.
Since the core hurts, regret, or remorse that trigger their emotional enmity remain unknown
to the target, they receive no compassion or sympathy for their plight. As a result,
emotional polluters can hardly avoid making enemies. Ironically, while they are really
longing for greater understanding, their enmity usually creates quite the opposite - the
impulse for revenge in others.
"Emotional Pollutants: You've got them (all of them) under your skin. "
Published on May 14, 2008 by Steven Stosny, in "Anger in the Age of Entitlement"
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200805/emotional-pollutants
"Emotional Pollutants II
May 16, 2008 by Steven Stosny, in "Anger in the Age of Entitlement"
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/200805/emotional-pollutants-ii
WHY DOES EMOTIONAL POLLUTION MATTER?
As a whole, emotional pollution wreaks considerable havoc in far too many MissLed women's
personal lives. The chronic negative feedback produced by MissLed women's entitlement, resentment, anger,
superiority, pettiness, sarcasm, victim identity, and enmity damages trust and blocks
closeness and bonding in relationships.
WHY DOES MISSTHINKING MATTER SO PROFOUNDLY?
MissLed women tend to be in the habit of soft thinking. They must become harder thinkers, and strive to develop the habit of what John D. Mullen describes as "Hard Thinking."
"A person whose mind is soft, who is a soft thinker, is at the mercy of every trickster
and charlatan who passes his or her way. The soft thinker falls under the control of religious
hucksters, of political demagogues, of financial swindlers, medical frauds, and more. The
soft thinker cannot stand up to the false expertise of the quack or incompetent doctor...The
soft thinker, in other words, is constantly under the control of others." John D. Mullen, Hard Thinking: The Reintroduction of Logic Into Everyday Life, (Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, 1995)4-5.
Hard thinking promotes thriving; Soft thinking promotes the following MissLed
traits:
MISSTHINKING - They think incorrectly
MISSBELIEVING - They believe wrongly
MISSCOMMUNICATING - They communicate mistakenly, unclearly, or inadequately
John D. Mullen, Hard Thinking: The Reintroduction of Logic Into Everyday Life
"The human brain is naturally adapted to "truth tracking," - to searching for correctness in
understanding and the supporting arguments for that correctness. It has the power to
separate out weak arguments, foolishness, logical missteps, and fallacies." 1.
"Everyone has a viewpoint, and most are ready to tell you what it is. Too often,
however, the quality of this reasoning is atrocious. It lacks clarity and logical
force, is riddled with clichés, and exhibits blatant logical fallacies. It is mushy
reasoning, or what I prefer to call soft thinking. This has nothing to do
with someone's 'not being smart.' It's a matter of lack of training and practice.
Too many people have not cared enough for their brains to learn to make proper use
of their reasoning capacities."
"In too many contexts we are literally taught to shut off our brains, to forget
about our reasoning, to believe that reasoning is inappropriate or inadequate to
some task. We are taught that reasoning has no place in "feelings," that
"feelings are not right or wrong," and that in many situations feelings must
decide. We are taught not to be "judgmental," that values are "opinions"
or "matters of taste," that the greatness of art is "in the eye of the beholder,"
that there really are not any "right answers...The effect of all of these mushy, soft
thinking, clichés is to say, "Don't bother using your brain to reason about that!" 3.
HARD THINKING:
"Hard thinking is the confidence, willingness, and skill to use your reasoning
powers to develop clear viewpoints, to argue for those viewpoints, to
seek and accept others' skilled evaluation of your own positions, and to
evaluate intelligently the viewpoints and arguments of others." 4.
cannot protect his or her children from the rampant faddishness in education and the
"Armed with the ability to reason and the confidence that she can make intelligent
judgments, the hard thinker is able to take control of her own
life. Hard thinking, the willingness and the ability to reason, is a necessary
prerequisite of personal freedom. It is, in addition, an almost indispensable
tool for social and economic success in a free society. Hard thinkers tend to be
winners; soft thinkers tend to be losers." 5.
"Intelligent people aren't necessarily rigorous thinkers. In fact, many of them are mentally lazy.
Ideology provides a way for lazy people to respond to issues, ideas, people, and events without thinking...Why think when the system provides all the answers?" Th!nk, 121.
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