SOPHOMORIC SOUL MATE SILLINESS
(Irrational Thinking, Egocentric Thinking, Wishful Thinking)
"Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate..." - Atlanta
psychiatrist Frank Pittman."
Great Expectations:  The Soul Mate Quest, by Polly Shoman
"http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200403/great-expectations-the-soul-mate-quest

"There is no room for divergence, disagreement, or error in the starry-eyed,
soul-mate version of love..." Kathyrn Schulz, Being Wrong:  Adventures in the
Margin of Error, (NY:  Harper Collins, 2010) 272.
(In today's parlance, "soul mate" is just an overly used, cliché' term
used to identify the person in a relationships with whom they (mis)perceive that they have a significant amount of profound qualities in
common with).

When you combine the misinformation and expectations regarding "romance," and the nearly-omnipresent
"soul mate" mentality among MissLed women, it is not surprising that so many of their committed relationships
are unsuccessful.  Their beliefs and hopes are in stark contrast with the majority of men's - which tend
to be much less starry-eyed and significantly more pragmatic.    Certainly, most men's notion of what
to expect from relationships are not bear the rarefied air of "soul mate" bliss. 
The contrast between men and women's expectations - and the tension or conflict that results
from it - are well summed up here:
"Put into their proper perspective, relationships are simply a piece of a satisfying life - not
the be all and end all. Yet, women put so much pressure on themselves and their
partner to do it "right." They spend far too much time thinking about and worrying about
their relationships. From this fearfulness, they put too many expectations on them for
fulfilling all their "needs." Instead, they should be taking care of most of
their own needs, make themselves happy first, and lower their expectations of others.
"People think they deserve happy marriages, they deserve great sex lives. Who
says?"
Soul Mates
Finding Your Soul Mate - Prelude To A Successful Marriage?
Published on October 5, 2010 by John R. Buri, Ph.D. in Love Bytes
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-bytes/201010/soul-mates
Since women's happiness is quite often strongly associated with the quality of their personal relationships,
they are the ones who suffer most from their often-strident belief in the soul mate marriage model.
Too often, many won't find their ever-elusive "soul mate" and therefore will never marry.  Others marry believing their
husband is their "soul mate" but often wind up quickly discover that the soul mate concept has many drawbacks::
"They (women) have also not been well served by the rise of the “soul mate” model of marriage
...which is less accessible to them - for both cultural and material
reasons - than is the older “institutional” model of marriage."
National Marriage Project
http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/pdfs/Union_11_12_10.pdf, 28.

"Americans are now gravitating towards a “soul mate” model of marriage,
one that privileges emotional intimacy and personal growth, often at the
expense of other goods long associated with marriage - such as
marital permanency, child rearing, and economic cooperation."
National Marriage Project
http://www.virginia.edu/marriageproject/pdfs/Union_11_12_10.pdf, 9.

Unfortunately for them, believing in the concept of SOUL MATES is one of MissLed women's
most widely-held, and fervently clung to versions of wishful thinking. For them, bonding
with a "soul mate" supposedly will dispel their fear of going it alone. Finding their "soul mate" is
also supposed to fulfill their wish to be unconditionally loved and understood. 
Such wishful thinking, however, is rarely fulfilled. In fact, most MissLed women quickly realize, with separate
work and social lives now the norm, marriage does not by any means eliminate loneliness. Nor do soul mate
expectations secure unconditional love and support (in fact, most relationship experts recommend love to
be conditional and understood to be reciprocal).
Many MissLed women also have an unrealistic expectation of how they'll meet their "soul mate."
Most often, they expect to meet via the forces of fate or destiny, often in a serendipitous
way.  Such a "romantic" meeting has the additional appeal of adding excitement and mystery
to the event.  Of course, such a belief and expectation may be emotionally appealing but
is hardly rational or realistic. In fact, meeting a quality partner is often a mundane and
laborious process of trial and error.
Ironically, the persistent pining for soul mates has caused significant pain
and loneliness for both women and men.  Indeed, many a merely mortal, good man has been disqualified due to this
misguided concept. Many a well-meaning but MissLed woman has spent her adult life in the
fruitless search for Mister Soul mate. The unrealistic aspect of the soul mate, the "I won't settle/I'm too special/I'm amazing"
element, has kept many MissLed women from being open to what could be very good relationships.
For them, a merely pleasant, loving relationship is simply not adequate.  Such a notion, in fact, pales in comparison
to their fairy tale, movie screen wish of a soul mate fantasy with an everlasting magical bond.
Society often compounds MissLed women's distorted expectations by promoting the false notion that there
is only one person for each man and woman. Movie references and
cultural messages often refer to "soul mates," "the one," or someone to "complete" them.
The fad in recent books and movies on the soul mate concept both reinforces and glamorizes it as exciting,
dramatic, and quite attainable. There are also plenty of phony astrologers, palm readers, and psychics who 
(for a fee) will gladly tell MissLed women that the person they’re currently attracted to
is (or is not) their soul mate. As a result of such feel-good pop culture messages and the conditioning
from the fairy tales from childhood, MissLed women  aimlessly and sometimes endlessly dream about “the one. All-too-often,
they spend much of their precious time wondering how and when they'll meet their "soul mate" and what that  - and the supposed "happily ever
after" - will be like.
MissLed women's habit of magical thinking lead them to have idyllic fantasies about
finding this promised "soul mate."  Two of their most common, misplaced, and
emotionally charged misconceptions regarding “soul mates:”

1. They cling to erroneous or unrealistic fantasies about meeting and loving their soul mate.

2. They falsely believe that soul mate relationships always end up “happily ever after.”

Some MissLed women's search for soul mates stem from their perfectionism.
They fail to realize, however, that the perfect match (made in heaven, of course) - exists
only in the movies and in their dreams.  Real life, of course, isn't a movie - or a dream.
Such MissLed women expect a soul mate relationship
to be electric, passionate, highly sexual and perfectly binding.  They
also feel that as soon as they meet that person, time will seem to
stand perfectly still and they will know that they are “the one.” Indeed,
their misplaced belief in soul mate relationships aligns well with their
perfectionism. After all, a "soul mate" is supposedly a perfect
match.  It's a partner to complement them perfectly, as voiced by the phrase,
"You complete me." Perfectionistic MissLed women who look for someone to "complete"
them, however, are only hiding the fact from themselves that they don't
feel complete as a person on their own. Indeed, much of their yearning for a soul mate comes
from their discontent - their lack of self-worth:
"Low self-esteem seeks low self-esteem in others - not consciously, to be
sure, but by the logic of that which leads us to feel we have encountered
a "soul mate." The most disastrous relationships are those between persons
who think poorly of themselves; the union of two abysses does not produce
a height."  Nathaniel Branden, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, (NY:  Bantam Books, 1994) 7.
When  MissLed women say they "found" or they are "looking for" their soul mates,
often what they are really looking for is someone to save them - from themselves.
In fact, suffering from “soulmateism” and looking outside themselves for happiness
often leads MissLed women to persistent frustration.  Too often, they end up putting
tremendous pressure and expectations on their husbands.  In their minds, they misguidedly
expect that THEIR interests, THEIR needs, THEIR personality traits, THEIR likes and dislikes
are what matters most if THEIR marriage is going to work.
They expect the perfect soul mate relationship from their spouse; they want it all - a partner
who reflects their taste and status; who sees them for who they really are;  who loves them for all the "right"
reasons; who helps them become the person they want to be. This is the man who will
counter MissLed women's weaknesses, amplify their strengths and provide them unflagging
support and respect.  If they expect this from a mere mortal, flawed man, however, they are
setting themselves up for a heavy dose of disillusionment. Indeed, when they are inevitably
confronted with the unavoidable and quite unromantic aspects of reality, they'll ask: Is this all there is? They wonder
- did they "settle" for a merely good man instead of waiting for the supposedly perfect match?
That somebody is, of course, their true - and one and only - soul mate. The reality, of course,
is that few marriages or partnerships will come close to living up to the "soul mate" ideal. For the
married MissLed women who remain true believers, the typical result of the persistence of the
soul mate expectation is a commitment limbo.  Therein, they still care deeply for their
partners, but keep one stealthy foot out the door of their hearts. In so doing, they subject the
relationship to constant review: Would they be happier, more loved, or a better person with
someone else? For the MissLed women who persist in their quixotic belief in "soul mates," it's
their painful modern quandary.
Ironically, in the recent past, the pragmatic benefits of partnership were foremost in
women's minds. Indeed, the idea of marriage as a vehicle for self-fulfillment
and happiness is relatively new. Fifty or sixty years ago, most women
had realistic expectations (and, tellingly, NONE of them talked of "soul mates."). They
were content to get married to a decent man, have children, and own a home. Now, most
report that they plan to get married for (soul mate) love. Unfortunately, this marriage plan,
especially in combination with MissLed women emphasis on their complete emotional fulfillment
within marriage, will result in few couples being able to sustain such lofty aspirations.
If they'd stop to think about the concept (instead of indulging in egocentric, adolescent and wishful dreaming), they'd
realize that it is a delusional belief, a fairy tale.  One which
is far from harmless, for it is both extremely unrealistic and illogical:
"The concept of the soul mate is so riddled with logical errors...the biggest of which
is the idea that our personalities are fixed and unchanging over the course of life..."
Shauna Howarth Springer, Marriage, for Equals:  The Successful Joint (Ad)Ventures
of Well-Educated Couples, (Indianapolis:  Dog Ear Publication, 2012) 27.
"...the soul mate script is fundamentally a happily-ever-after script.
This script certainly has a place in fairy tales, but certainly not in real life."
Shauna Howarth Springer, Marriage, for Equals:  The Successful Joint (Ad)Ventures
of Well-Educated Couples, (Indianapolis:  Dog Ear Publication, 2012) 28.
The persistent belief in the soul mate myth is not merely naiveté or a harmless fad or delusion.
It can wound and damage families.  In fact, some MissLed women self-destructively believe
that they found their longed for soul mate in an extramarital affair:
"The women who were having affairs said
that their feelings were unlike anything they’d experienced before.
They felt “alive” again and many believed that they had found
their soul mates. These women were experiencing feelings associated
with a chemically altered state, or what we typically refer to
as being in love. Unable to end their extramarital relationships, the women
concluded that their lovers were soul mates...Unaware that they
had become addicted to the high caused by chemicals released
during the initial stages of a relationship, they were unable to
choose." Michele Langley, Women's Infidelity, (NY: St.Martin's Press:
2005) 17.

As with "Romance," those MissLed women who believe there's a soul mate out there waiting
for them are demonstrating Egocentric thinking. They are merely expressing their self-centered yearning for an intensely
powerful pleasure - to be in love for the sake of being in love.  They are often in
a childish, manic pursuit of a false emotional high.  In fact, there's no such thing
as a ready-made soul mate. If anything, a partner can only deludedly be seen as one
(or, "the one") after that fact.
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http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-the-numbers/201202/danger-beware-the-soul-mate-fallacy
"* Beware of the Soul Mate Fallacy. People who believe in fate are likely to also believe that a partner
can read one's mind without the communication of needs ("if he's my soul mate, he'll understand what I need"),
that men and women are extremely different in their relationship needs (not consistent with relationship science),
or that sex in a relationship will always be good (evidence shows that sex will change as a relationship changes;
a good sex life needs to be nourished and needs continuous practice)."
Danger: Beware of the Soul Mate Fallacy
How a destiny mentality could hurt you.
Published on February 13, 2012 by Bjarne Holmes, Ph.D.  in Love by the Numbers
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"Particularly, those who believe in soul mates tend to be less committed to a partner, particularly when
there are relationship difficulties...Also, soul mate believers are often more anxious in relationships and less
likely to forgive romantic partners...Overall, when the going gets tough with a partner, or requires work, soul
mates tend to quit and look for the next "perfect" match."
"Overall, the message is clear, looking for perfect compatibility and a soul mate kills motivation to work at
successful relationships with good partners. In the long run, adopting a belief in romantic growth and
cultivation is much more rewarding, especially for those interested in long-term relationships. However,
compared to soul mates, a belief in growth does take more work, effort, and a desire to change."
Why You Shouldn't Believe in Soul Mates
The pros and cons of believing in romantic destiny.
Published on July 9, 2012 by Jeremy Nicholson, M.S.W., Ph.D. in The Attraction Doctor
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201207/why-you-shouldnt-believe-in-soul-mates
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WHY DOES IT MATTER?
MissLed women who seek soul mate love often instead find an illusion of love.  Their longing for a racy, exciting, "complete me"
soul mate most often goes unfulfilled.  They'd be far better served to be content with a more realistic - and more difficult to
find and maintain- mature, companionate love.
MissLed women's staunch belief in the soul mate myth sets them up for dashed hopes
and, too often, long-term failure in their relationships.  Such a passive mindset combine with unrealistic
expectations to ensure Missled women are nearly powerless to flourish in long-term love relationships:
"We grow up on fairy tales and movies in which magical forces help people
find their soul mates, with whom they effortlessly live happily ever after.
The fairy tales leave us powerless, putting our love lives into the hands
of the Fates." Scientific American Mind, January/February 2010, 31.
In sum, too many MissLed women pay a significant price by believing in the soul mate fairy
tale. By believing this falsehood, they hurt themselves through this
irrational belief and their consequent hopelessly inflated expectations:

"The concept of soul mates is passed down through fantastic
narratives of lovers finding each other through impossible
circumstances, overcoming obstacles, and having an epiphany
that they have found the one. The inference from complexity or
probability to cosmic kismet should be rejected.
The fact that something happened, or failed to happen, does not
mean that things couldn't have happened otherwise or that there
is a larger cosmic plan at work. Just because you love someone,
doesn't mean you couldn't feel that way about someone else, or that
your feelings will continue (divorce rate)."
"The crux of the soul mate argument seems to come down to a
false dichotomy: either soul mates exist or it's all chance. The
experience of finding a soul mate suggests that it couldn't be
pure chance because what they have is special and anything produced
by chance is meaningless, base, and impersonal. If it's not
chance, then soul mates must exist."

"You [Do Not] Complete Me: Fighting Off "Soul Mates"
Either soul mates exist or it's all chance, right?" by Michael Bruce,
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/angst/201101/you-do-not-complete-me-fighting-soul-mates
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