WRONGHEADED ROMANCE
(Faulty Thinking involved: Victim Thinking, Irrational Thinking, Egocentric Thinking, Wishful Thinking, Adolescent Thinking)
ROMANTIC ILLUSIONS---> DELUSIONS---> ASSUMPTIONS---> CONFUSION---> DISILLUSION----------------------------------> RELATIONSHIP DISSOLUTIONS.
(These are the decay, disintegration, termination or destruction of their intimate partnerships with their men).
MissLed women's faulty thinking regarding romantic love inflicts widespread and tremendous damage to their personal lives. Many of them have clung tenaciously to idealized views and expectations of love and "romance" ingrained in their psyches in childhood and young adulthood. Unfortunately, such old-fashioned, happily-ever-after type of beliefs are no longer appropriate for thriving in today's highly changeable, less trusting society. Those MissLed women who persist in deluding themselves in their wrongheaded notions regarding "romance" will continue to be ill-equipped for a long-term, mature partnership in love.
Illusions are distorted beliefs that are not merely wrong, but often wrong in dangerous ways. Wrongheaded Romantic illusions negatively impact MissLed women's thoughts, decisions and actions involving their romantic lives. Such illusions set MissLed women up for disappointments and suffering. When their illusions are shattered and things inevitably change (often for the worse), anger and blame are often their reactions. When it comes to their romantic relationships, MissLed women are often vulnerable to the following illusions:
- Illusion of invulnerability: When present, this illusion feeds MissLed women's excessive optimism about their romantic relationships. This tends to encourage them to take imprudent, even extreme risks. Dangerously, this belief that bad things only happen to other people leaves them, ironically, quite vulnerable to scam artists, liars, and users - all of whom nearly always lead MissLed women to heartache and heartbreak.
- Illusion of validity: When it comes to their romantic partners, too many MissLed women have misplaced confidence in the validity of their own judgment. Unfortunately for them, this illusion sometimes persists even in the face of clear and convincing evidence that their judgment is mistaken.
- Illusion of beauty: MissLed women mistakenly believe that beauty can get them "love." Consequently, they wrongheadedly put far too much focus on their appearance, not realizing that no amount of beauty and sex appeal will guarantee contentment in romantic relationships.
- Illusion of permanence: Any perception of permanence is a form of wishful thinking. Too many MissLed women cling to their romantic relationships as if they expect them to be never changing. By doing so, they set themselves up for suffering. They become discouraged and afraid when this illusion is shattered and things inevitably change. Indeed, this misconception is a major hindrance to their acceptance of, and mental preparation for, change.
Why are MissLed women's especially susceptible to romantic illusions?
For them, illusions are emotionally appealing - they're powerfully and vividly compelling.
The disturbing fact that life is often a series of confounding coincidences and inexplicable flukes is something they prefer to ignore. MissLed women prefer to turn in nearly direction - astrologers, gurus, rulebooks, programs, religious doctrines - that promises answers to help them make order of the chaos. Of course, they don't. That's why they're known as ILLUSIONS. Instead, their presence can damage MissLed women - sometimes quite seriously. They are, in fact, self-handicapping devices for MissLed women. Illusions detour and derail them from enjoying happy and successful personal relationships.
After being partially or completely blinded by romantic illusions, many MissLed women are
left prone to delusions. These are false beliefs that are unyielding to actuality (aka facts).
Such mistaken or misleading opinions, ideas, or beliefs, create an alternate (more favorable to
them) reality. Delusions replace the actual facts - which are buried out of sight or denied.
Much like fantasy, romantic delusions are a powerful, seductive, ego defense mechanism. Like
ignorance, their appeal lies in delivering a blissful escape. And like ignorance, any escape is short-lived and illusory. In fact, the long-term damage their presence can inflict is often pervasive and profound. Regardless of their personal circumstances, some MissLed women deludely feel they "deserve" to be loved (unconditionally, passionately, permanently by a wonderful man (who is also their"soul mate"). Too many MissLed women who hold this delusion will spend many years waiting for the perfect man to "complete" them.
MissLed women's propensity for misguided assumptions regarding their romantic lives can lead to profound misunderstandings and conflicts. There's a good reason for the popularity of the joke, "When you A-S-S-U-M-E, you make an ASS, out of U, and ME." It is not only good for a chuckle, but, far too often, rings true to life for MissLed women. In the case of romance, many western women wrongly assume that their way is the best or only way:
"With typical Western self-righteousness, we assume our notion of "love," romantic love, must be the best. We assume that any other kind of love between couples would be cold and insignificant by comparison. But if we Westerners are honest with ourselves, we have to admit that our approach is not working well." Robert A. Johnson, We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love, (NY: Harper Collins, 1983) 195.
MissLed women's assumptions regarding romantic love rarely correlate closely with reality:
"We grow up believing in true love, in finding our "one and only." We assume that once we do, we will marry in bliss and live happily ever after. But reality rarely coincides with our beliefs." David M. Buss, The Evolution of Desire, (Basic Books, 2003) 11.
The other all-too-common assumption among MissLed women regarding romance is that they are best served by being the reactor, not the actor, in forming the relationships. Indeed, some women continue to assume that the past norm - when men mostly courted and pursued women, whilst women coyly evaluated their suitors - is the best or only way to form a loving relationship. In truth, today's relationship landscape is much more variable. There's no rational reason to assume, given the roughly equal cultural and social status among women and men, that it is best for the men to take the risk and make the effort to meet the women.
It is no wonder, then, why confusion reigns supreme among many women seeking romantic partners. The former romantic "scripts" are no longer the norm for the majority of women. Left to their own devices, some women inevitably become quite confused by the plethora of choices and directions their love lives can take. Many are confused about how to incorporate their new personal freedoms with their romantic relationships. Sex, career options, personal obligations - all cause confusion and consternation for many women (as they always have for men). In addition, many seem perpetually confused by men (mainly because they misguidedly expect men to think, feel, and perceive as they do). For MissLed women, confusion is so strong that it serves to paralyze them into inaction, or befuddle them into wrongheaded behaviors with their romantic partners.
Not surprisingly, the presence of illusions, delusion, assumptions, and confusion don't bode well for successful romantic partnerships for MissLed women. Unfortunately, these, especially in combination with MissLed women's wrongheaded beliefs and expectations, often lead them to being disillusioned with their partner. Ultimately, for many of them, disillusion leads directly to seeking a dissolution of their marriages. Indeed, current estimates are that between 2/3 and 3/4 of divorces today are initiated by women. What a tragedy for women and children that too many women have chosen to believes in the myths and fallacies perpetuated by media, family, and friends!
Fortunately, many women remain pragmatic, level headed, and realistic in their beliefs and expectations regarding their love lives. Why, then critique MissLed women's wrongheaded beliefs about Romance first? Simply put - because they are the most common, along with the most impactful, misguided notions among them. In fact, the combination of these mistaken beliefs and
expectations too often affect MissLed women's lives from their first infatuations to their last chances at fulfilling partnerships:
"We go wrong, because we are blinded by love and misled by myths and misconceptions." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 4.
MissLed women's beliefs and expectations regarding "romance" are most aptly described as stubbornly misguided (wrongheaded). Those that persist in their fallacious beliefs about romance put their long-term well-being (happiness, finances, raising happy and healthy children) at risk.
For the many who persist with buying into the misleading and often-wrong information about
romance and "love," the results are often quite significant. Disillusionment, cynicism,
and blaming (of men) are most often the ultimate results. Indeed, misguided expectations
are at the root of much of their discontent:
"We're being misled and misinformed by an unfounded yet constantly repeated mantra about the NATURALNESS of wedded bliss, female sexual reticence, and happily-ever-after sexual monogamy - a narrative pitting man against woman in a tragic tango of unrealistic expectations, snowballing frustration, and crushing disappointment. Living under this TYRANNY OF TWO...we carry the weight of modern love's central anxiety...the expectation that romance and sexual attraction can last a lifetime of coupled togetherness, despite much hard evidence to the contrary." Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha, Sex at Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships, (NY: HarperCollins Publishers, 2011) 41.
Passionate, exhilarating feelings are too often among the primary expectations of MissLed women for their relationships. Many committed relationships and marriages fail because, far too often, MissLed women's emotions are considered the primary barometer of their health and quality. In truth, however, instead of "feelings," "Romance," and depending on the "good communication" panacea, the virtues actually most needed for long-lasting love are friendship, loyalty, generosity, courage, self-restraint and justice. In fact, genuine, mature love is explained best by the following five A's:
"Attention from others leads to self-respect.
Acceptance engenders a sense of being inherently a good person.
Appreciation generates a sense of self-worth.
Affection makes us feel lovable.
Allowing gives us the freedom to pursue our own deepest needs,
values, and wishes." David Richo, Kathyln Hendricks, How to be an Adult
in Relationships, (Boston: Shambala, 2002) 27.
MissLed women are often unaware of, or don't comprehend the profound distinctions between unrealistic and usually short-lived "romantic" love and the more realistic and mature bond known as companionate love:
"At its core is friendship, equality, and the value system of the women's movement, with its corollary that the male role, too, needs to change. A major factor in the companionate marriage is the attempt to balance the partners' serious emotional investment in the workplace with their emotional investment in the relationship and the children." Judith S. Wallerstein, Sandra Blakeslee, The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts, (Houghton Mifflin, 1995) 22.
Companionate love both embraces everyday realities and matures over time. For too many MissLed women, however, such a pragmatic, long-term type of love doesn't inspire much enthusiasm. Instead, for them, "Romance" and excitement matter above all else. Such striving for "Romance" - as it is presented in books, songs and by visual entertainment - raises MissLed women's expectations to levels that often grossly unrealistic and usually unattainable:
"Our predicament with marriage is due to the a historic misunderstanding of marriage. The evolution of marriage in our civilization has led us to expect marriage to make us happy and provide us with an
emotionally fulfilling life. These high expectations make it all too easy for us to become disillusioned, and divorce is a natural response to our disappointment. Consequently, contemporary marriage contains a volatile mixture of importance and fragility, hope and despair, allure and disappointment." Blaine J. Fowers Ph.D., Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness, (SF, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2004) 4.
A key component of many MissLed women's romantic frustrations is their preoccupation with
their personal and emotional fulfillment. In truth, their view of, and expectations from, romance reflect their propensity for Egocentric Thinking:
"Romance must, by its very nature, deteriorate into egotism. For romance is not a love that is directed at another human being; the passion of romance is always directed at our own projections, our own expectations, or own fantasies. In a very real sense, it is a love not of another person, but of ourselves." Robert A. Johnson, We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love, (NY: Harper Collins, 1983) 192.
For too many MissLed women, their version of "Romance" is a narcissistic state of instant gratification. They expect it to be a thing of great beauty, speed and spontaneity. They want it to
bring THEM a "rush" or a "whirlwind," that "sweeps them off their feet" and carries them away:
"We grow in romantic feelings, get to a crest of excitement, and then notice that the thrill is gone. Our choices are two. We can break up or we can fashion a new, more mature love based not on a thrill but on a commitment. The biggest mistake we humans make is to become attached to someone's being a certain way and then to think that will never change." Robert A. Johnson, We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love, (NY: Harper Collins, 1983) 6.
Unfortunately, when it comes to Romance, egocentric thinking is not the only faulty thinking that is too often present. Irrational, magical and wishful thinking are also all-too-common with MissLed
women. Their hopes are far too high and their expectations are far too inflated. It's also a
particularly self-defeating mindset, given that preoccupation with Romantic "success" is predominant
with MissLed women. This fixation is deep-seeded and ingrained early in life:
"Romantic ideology is part and parcel of the education our children receive from a very early age, when they begin to watch Disney's movies and listen to fairy tales. It continues to pervade their adulthood and culminates in their vow to live together, happily ever after." Aaron Ben-Ze'ev, Ruhama Goussinksy, In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and Its Victims, (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2008) 2.
MissLed women's unfortunate and unrealistic views regarding love often involve a toxic mix. This
includes their self-centered attitude of entitlement, combined with a misguided conviction that
their self esteem is all important. Many of them look to men for constant validation of these misguided notions. If they don't get them, they too-often feel the men are to blame. (Victim thinking)
Fair or not, the fact remains that women are most nubile and therefore marriageable at about 21 -
32 years old. Men are conditioned by their biology to prefer women of that age. This is
regardless of how intelligent, educated, financially well-established, and professionally accomplished women may become. A 35-year professional woman who thinks she has a lot to offer a man does - but only if he's looking for an intelligent conversation over dinner or an evening at the symphony. NOT, however, if he's looking to marry and have children. Ironically, however, marriage is what many 35-year old, MissLed professional women are complaining they can't attain. This frustration is
often related to their inflated expectations at that life stage. There, they also require men fit for
marrying to be fit, smart, sexy, and kind. In addition, these men must also be ready, willing, and able to commit! Of course, by the time these women have accrued educational and professional success, the men they want (tall, handsome, fit, accomplished, well above median income), ironically, have all settled down. What's left are the nice but merely mortal guys somewhere in the middle of the bell curve. Alas - such men are not sufficiently qualified enough for many women of that pedigree.
As a result, there are now a growing number of single women (who also must compete with the growing number of women choosing to divorce in the same age group) in their 30s and 40s, who have chosen to put their energies into career and self-development. By delaying marriage, they have severely reduced their chances for every finding a high-quality man, well-suited for both marriage and helping raise children. Their time to bear children is short. It's not what many women consider fair (something which drives many of them crazy), but that's the way it is. Evolution and basic human psychology have stacked the odds against these women. Some of them, unfortunately, will never find a mate.
In truth, if they want the best chance at a happy, long-term Romantic partner, MissLed women must re-examine their standards, re-arrange their priorities and reconsider their expectations. Unfortunately, some MissLed women with their meticulous and detailed lists of "must haves" probably won't consider doing that. They are far too prideful to consider "settling" for merely
a "good" guy. If they actually do want "good men," however, then they better start considering those
that can are reasonably kind and well motivated to be successful in long-term relationships. They'll then need to learn to accept, appreciate and enjoy them. In other words, instead of shooting for the guys that's are "10s" in status and looks and trying to fix them or deal with endlessly compromising, they would be better served with men who are "10s" in loyalty, integrity, and fidelity. Those characteristics have served happy women well for centuries, but have been foolishly forgotten or dismissed by MissLed women. Unfortunately for them, they have allowed themselves to be hoodwinked by the last 30 years of romantic misinformation.
Given these trends, the challenges for those seeking loving, long-term partnerships are only likely to increase. Indeed, for the best chance for happy unions, women must have a mindset as free as possible of myth and nonsense . Of course, such a change in mindset won't be painless, or quick and easy. Beliefs are not easy to give up on on. Habits are notoriously hard to break. All of the accumulated baggage they carry from their persistent habits of thought and behavior won't easily be displaced.
MissLed women also don't handle the conflicts and struggles that always arise in relationships.
Quite often, with the slightest downturn, MissLed women will misperceive that "the thrill is
gone." Their feelings of love turn to blame and disappointment, or even resentful anger.
In today's instant-gratification, increasingly impatient society, both misguided men and MissLed women will ditch their partner at the first sign of trouble. This is the "I don't have to deal with
this" syndrome. With the wrong beliefs and unrealistic expectations, MissLed women are led to
all kinds of discontent and disappointments:
"One of the glaring contradictions in romantic love is that so many couples treat their friends with so much more kindness, consideration, generosity, and forgiveness than they ever give each other! When people are with their friends, they are charming, helpful, and courteous. But when they come home, the often vent all their anger, resentment, moods, and frustrations on each other. Strangely they treat their friends better than they do each other." Robert A. Johnson, We: Understanding
the Psychology of Romantic Love, (NY: Harper Collins, 1983) 197.
Truth is, most marriages and long-term relationships have periods that are quite mundane. Overall, they are a mixed bag, often described by couples with terms like "hard work" and "compromise." Many wives and husbands, when candid, describe their relationships in terms like "running a small business together." Indeed, the concept of compromise has been sold to couples as crucial to the health of their relationships. Some see it as a panacea for any current or potential relationship problems - the be all and end all for maintaining their "love." While many women and men pragmatically accept that some compromise is inevitable, MissLed women tend to insist on compromise in nearly every aspect of the relationship. This puts a heavy load on BOTH partners:
"Compromise requires spouses to be mental contortionists, attempting to achieve a degree of cognitive compatibility that does not come naturally. Although everyone pays homage to the concept, compromise (a euphemism for sacrifice) is nobody's first choice." Robert A. Johnson, We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love, (NY: Harper Collins, 1983) 89.
The mixture of good and bad times that describe most marriages are best coped with by having realistic, even sky-high hopes and expectations for their love lives after the wedding. Unfortunately, many MissLed women persist in being unrealistic. For some, being realistic about marriage is "unromantic." Others simply don't understand that long-term compatibility and shared values often make or break a relationship. Both notions remain true regardless of passion, chemistry, or how grandiose the wedding, honeymoon, or home they purchase together:
"Love at first sight is easy. It's love at 1001st sight that can be very difficult." Karen Salmansohn, The Prince Harming Syndrome, (Long Island City, NY: Langensheidt Publishing) 146.
What would serve MissLed women much better is to do away with the the most frequent myths many cling to regarding "romance." These include:
- Passion is critical for long-term love
- Opposites attract
- Love should be unconditional
- Expecting to Live and Love Happily Ever After
- Love lasts forever
- Love at first sight is often real and lasting
- All you need is love
- Chemistry is paramount
- Twenty further myths and misconceptions to ignore
In truth, for most successful, long-term, happy relationships, passion is not paramount.
It's a nice bonus; it is likely to be there in the beginning, but should not be counted on to be a critical part of the bond. Passion can be damaging - even lethal - witness the fate of Romeo and Juliet and many other real life couples whose passion for each other led to tragedy and heartbreak. In fact, pragmatic, wise people know:
"Nobody can think straight when high on passionate love." Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom, (NY: Basic Books, 2006) 126.
2. Opposites attract:
Opposites do often (fleetingly) attract, but, quite often they eventually ATTACK. Blinded and
blissful in the infatuation stage, MissLed women unrealistically expect the attraction, allure and fascination with the "other" to continue indefinitely. Such and expectation is grossly misplaced. A lack of shared values and activities indicates incompatibility. Indeed, when the bloom is off the rose and attraction inevitably fades, it usually becomes conflict, or even repulsion, are sure to follow.
Fact is, SIMILARS tend to attract in the most beneficial way. They attract for the long-term:
"Called homogamy or assortment, this tendency for similar individuals to pair bond has been extensively documented...Regardless of our preferences, we seem ultimately to pair with similar others." Pamela C. Regan, The Mating Game: A Primer On Love, Sex, and Marriage, (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Productions, 2008) 52.
The kinds of films and books that MissLed women tend to enjoy tell compelling, dramatic stories of opposites who attract and then fall in love and live happily ever after. Of course, these are mere stories:
"Stories about OPPOSITES attracting are just that, stories...but in real life, similarity matters...love tends to last when lovers love many things together, and not merely each other." Karen Salmansohn, The Prince Harming Syndrome, (Long Island City, NY: Langensheidt Publishing, 2009) 100.
3. Unconditional love is indispensable for happiness in a relationship:
MissLed women who give and expect unconditional love are setting themselves up for heartbreak, and ultimately, disillusionment (and, at times, dissolution of marriages):
"I want a man who loves me unconditionally and just wants to be around me and love me just because I'm me." All of us want to feel completely accepted, but that's more fairy tale than reality. The reality of life is that we are judged and develop our relationships based on what we bring to them." Joel D Block, Kimberly Dawn Neumann, The Real Reasons Men Commit, (Avon, MA: Adams Media, 2009) 67-68.
MissLed women too often feel they DESERVE love, unconditionally. This is a misguided, self-
defeating delusion. In fact, mental health experts say that genuine love is EARNED, and is
conditional. Any man or woman seeking love is better served asking themselves, "Am I behaving in
a love-worthy way?" In addition, in order for both partners to have the best chance for happiness within a loving relationship, their love must understood by their partner to be conditional:
"Love Conditionally...No one, including you, is love-worthy if she or he does not behave lovingly.
Love is something you earn, not something you deserve." Karen Salmansohn, The Prince Harming
Syndrome, (Long Island City, NY: Langensheidt Publishing, 2009) 57.
4. On expecting to Live and Love "Happily Ever After:
Unfortunately, a gross misunderstanding of the phrase "happily ever after" has seeped into the consciousness and expectations of many MissLed women:
"Your final ends in life should always be to live happily ever after - never to be confused with living pleasurably ever after." Karen Salmahnson, The Prince Harming Syndrome, (Long Island City, NY: Langensheidt Publishing, 2009) 224.
Not understanding the profound difference between pleasure and happiness leaves
MissLed women with unrealistically expecting consistent positive feelings. Consequently, they are
left prone to be alarmed by any absence of these positive feelings, however brief. Their confusion between short-term, pleasurable emotions and long-term happiness often misguides them to question their contentment level or, more seriously, their choice of love partner. Such miscalculations about love can lead them to considerable pain and misery:
"...romantic love is also a major factor in people's misery, as it involves many disappointments
and unfulfilled hopes...Love may be "many splendid things," but love also hurts a lot, can
be dangerous, and may lead us to foolish deeds." Aaron Ben-Ze'ev, Ruhama Goussinksy, In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and Its Victims, (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2008) 3.
5. On romantic, passionate love lasting forever:
As most couples will attest, the intoxicating phase of love typically only lasts for several months.
For MissLed women to expect those intense feelings to last is both unrealistic, and unwise. It is also misguided for them to think that falling out of love or ending a relationship that is not mutually beneficial is something to be regretted:
"We are sold a bill of goods, that says, if a relationship doesn't last for the rest of your life, it's a failure, and failing in our society is unacceptable." Christine Arylo, Choosing Me Before We, Novato, Ca: New World Library, 2009) 182.
6. On love at first sight:
Most often so-called love at first sight is mere infatuation. However intense, such feelings are not a reliable indicator that a person has met a compatible person for a deep, long-lasting relationship. Both contemporary scientific findings and grandma's wisdom show that love, in fact, is a short-term intoxicant:
"After a while, the fire cools and that's how it stays...Passionate love is a drug." Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom,
(NY: Basic Books, 2006) 125.
"...romantic love can only last so long as a couple are "high" on one another, so long as the money lasts and the entertainments are exciting." Robert A. Johnson, We: Understanding
the Psychology of Romantic Love, (NY: Harper Collins, 1983) 196.
"...brain love lasts 6 months to a year." Michael Gurian, What Could He Be Thinking?, (NY: St. Martin's Griffin, 2004) 118.
Inevitably, then, such an intoxicating and pleasurable high will end relatively quickly. These are merely temporarily heightened feelings that produce unrealistic and misguided, yet sky-high hopes that they will last forever. It's up to MissLed women (and other women and men) to accept this truth, and soberly evaluate a potential long-term mate outside of this heady brew.
In fact, instead of longing for and idealizing love at first sight, MissLed women would be better served to seek love at last sight:
"Love at first sight says, 'I'll love you until...' Until you turn forty. Until you become too much trouble. Until I feel differently. Love at last sight says, 'I'll love you even when...' Even when you're sick. Even when helping you is difficult for me. Even when your eyes dim and your skin sags. Even
when you wrong me" Kerry Shook, Chris Shook, Love at Last Sight, (Colorado Springs: WaterBrook Press, 2010) 55.
7. On "All you need is love:"
MissLed women tend to prioritize, glorify, and, not surprisingly, misunderstand romantic love. Truth is, MUCH MORE than that is needed for successful long-term relationships:
"Today's culture tells us that all we need is love. But in the end, love wasn't even enough to keep The Beatles together...That's because love is more than just a song, a dream, or a feeling." Kerry Shook, Chris Shook, Love at Last Sight, (Colorado Springs: WaterBrook Press, 2010) 47.
"Love, like attraction alone, is NOT enough to create a fulfilling, dynamic, life-affirming partnership." Robert A. Johnson, We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love, (NY: Harper Collins, 1983) 173.
Indeed, MissLed women's belief that love is all they need is simply wishful thinking:
,
"Americans are the most likely to believe that love is the basis of marriage; that it can conquer all obstacles; and that if you really love someone, all of your problems and conflicts can be solved." John Marshall Townsend, What Women Want - What Men Want, (Oxford: Oxford U. Press, 1998) 247-248.
8. On Chemistry being indispensable for relationship success:
MissLed women tend to rely far too much on "chemistry" to guide their love choices or to indicate
to them whether or not they have "fallen in love." Unfortunately, any "chemistry" they may perceive typically fades within 1 to 2 years. What then? Too often, they'll spend the rest of their lives trying to recapture that initial feeling of "chemistry," going to relationship counselors, seminars, spending money on books, DVDs, etc. Most often this search is to no avail. Increasingly, their solution is to end marriages or long-term, committed relationships and seek to connect with someone new who generates "chemistry." MissLed women misconstrue such euphoric romantic feelings as the only love game in town. But they're not. In fact "romance" in its modern form is really the lowest, least mature form of love. It is essentially selfish and consequently often ill-fated from the start. "Romance," in fact, is only beginner's love. It is indicative of their Adolescent Thinking about "love."
This is shown by:
- Their intense preoccupation with their own feelings.
- Their misplaced belief that their love is special and unique.
- Their Imaginary audience. They mistakenly think that they and their lover are the focus of others' attention.
- Their Personal Fable. Their ardent belief that nobody can understand their feeling and experiences - because they are unique.
- Their Illusion of Invulnerability. Their misinformed belief that bad things won't happen to their
relationships (such things only happen to other people).
The wisdom that must be understood by any MissLed women who want genuine, lasting love that works describes "love" as a sweet and devoted camaraderie. Therein, couples look out for each other's interests, happiness and welfare as much as for their own. (People whose marriages succeed most often rise to this level of mutual concern). Instead of the typical fleeting, passionate connections, MissLed women would be better served to strive for these more proven, lasting forms of love. Perhaps surprisingly to many of them, career success or intelligence is no protection
for MissLed women's hearts. In fact, it can hinder their prospects for romantic success with men:
"Women with the highest levels of education (graduate degrees) and lucrative jobs are also more likely to divorce." Anne Campbell, A Mind of Her Own: The Evolutionary Psychology of Women, (Oxford: Oxford U. Press, 2002) 267.
"We find, so often, that THE MORE INTELLIGENT AND SOPHISTICATED
THE WOMAN, THE MORE SELF-DEFEATING AND FOOLISH HER CHOICES AND
HER PATTERNS OF BEHAVIORS WITH ROMANTIC PARTNERS. We believe these foolish choices are triggered by modern, destructively inaccurate myths women believe about men today." Connell Cowan, Melvyn Kinder, Smart Women/Foolish Choices: Finding the Right Men Avoiding the Wrong Ones, (NY: New American Library, 1985) 6.
"For most of us, conventional wisdom about romantic relationships remains unquestioned, perpetuating misconceptions and myths that guarantee marital dissatisfaction... conventional wisdom maps marital futures because we take it for granted." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries
the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 13.
Yes, indeed. Too many MissLed women don't question the advice passed on to them. It often includes the following 20 myths and misconceptions to beware of:
1. There's one right person for everyone.
"This fairytale notion, straight out of Sleeping Beauty and Cinderella, sets up everyone for disappointment...because everyone deeply wishes for life to be easy, as it could be with that one right person." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 13-14.
2. It's better to be unhappy with someone than to be alone.
For some MissLed women, not being in a romantic relationship is an unpleasant, even terrifying concept. This is rooted partly in ignorance, and even more so in fear:
"...At the root of this attitude is the universal fear of scarcity. We fear loss of companionships and
loneliness." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 14.
3. Spouses are supposed to fulfill each other's wants and needs.
"..Emotionally mature adults take responsibility for meeting their own needs." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 15.
4. If I love, I will be equally loved in return.
Once again, MissLed women who believe this are exhibiting wishful thinking:
"...many of us cling to the delusion that we DESERVE this degree of love. We then feel
justified in blaming the spouse who does not seem to love us as much as he or she should."
Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 16.
5. Love cures loneliness.
Once again, inflated expectations from "love" mislead too many women:
"...Our expectations mislead us...if we believe that the love of a partner will banish loneliness." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 16.
Ironically, those MissLed women who expect for their lover to completely eliminate any feelings of
loneliness often push him further away:
"Women often wish for a partner who, like a girlfriend, joins them in empathic conversation...
Unmet expectations leave us feeling disconnected from our spouses." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 17.
6. Jealousy is a sign of love.
Jealousy, like resentment, is often a relationship poison. Some jealous feelings are natural, but when
they get to a level where MissLed women feel they need to control their partner, a potentially significant conflict will arise. Too often, jealous words or deeds lead to unnecessary fights.
A MissLed woman who is a jealous romantic partner diminishes the quality of life for both:
..."Though it may be human to feel jealous, it is never healthy to behave jealously." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 17.
"If she shows jealousy, this only tells you that she is reactive, controlling, doesn't manage
her negative emotions, is willing to vent on you and is emotionally immature." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 17.
7. It takes a lot of years to train a spouse.
This myth feeds some people's persistent belief (despite all the evidence to the contrary) that every wrong person is trainable and will eventually transform into the right person. (A clear example of some MissLed women's wishful thinking). This type of mindset combines the worst of both worlds - arrogance and ignorance. It demonstrates arrogance in presuming that MissLed women can benefit their spouse by training them, and ignorance by assuming that the man NEEDS to be trained. It is a foolish, misguided, unrealistic concept:
"The idea that you will (need to) parent your spouse ruins a romantic relationship. Natalie Wood got
it right when she said, "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a many is when he's a baby." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 18.
8. If you love me, you will change.
This is a well-worn cliche'. Wise women know better, yet some MissLed women persist in expecting that their "love" will inspire a desired change in their romantic partner's behavior or beliefs. In fact, most people change for THEMSELVES:
"The misconception here is that people change out of love for one another." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 19.
9. Fighting is healthy.
..."Fighting is drama and drama is for soap operas, talk shows, and emotional adolescents." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 19.
Of course, so conflict is inevitable in long-term relationships. Successful, happy couples avoid conflict and misunderstandings when both the men and women argue effectively. In contrast, unhappy couples often contain MissLed women who don't argue ethically or effectively. For the latter, the results are fragile relationships, which in are put at serious risk:
"When arguments are handled poorly, relationships can be damaged or destroyed." Lee Raffel, I Hate Conflict, (NY: McGraw-Hill, 2008) 4.
MissLed women's often struggle with an inability to effectively handle conflict. They are too often best described in author Lee Raffle's 2008 book "I Hate Conflict" as Conflict Goof-Ups:
"Conflict Goof-Ups have an uncanny knack for getting others mad at them. This has the effect of throwing a smokescreen around the real issues. Anticipating the worst will happen, they keep their close relationships off balance. Conflict Goof-Ups sabotage intelligent dialogue in several ways:
- They get defensive, which makes it hard to talk to them in a
reasonable manner.
- They can be passive-aggressive. Their attempt to hide their mean streaks
and insincere ways under the cloak of a phony congeniality.
- They maneuver the conversation by changing the subject to distract
the other person.
- They tell outright lies to throw a wrench in the conversation.
- They play stupid by asking irrelevant questions that insult the
other person's intelligence.
"When Conflict Goof-Ups are put on the spot and pressured to explain what they did wrong or why they said something foolish, they dump their fury on their closest associates. When they are cornered, they will turn around and fault others for demanding answers that are not on the tip of their tongue." Lee Raffel, I Hate Conflict, (NY: McGraw-Hill, 2008) 71.
Instead of earning reputations as Conflict Goof Ups, MissLed women would do better
during disagreements by being Conflict Innovators:
"Their motto: "Let's be sensible and consider our options."
What they assume: The more I learn from my mistakes, the less I have to regret.
Their intention: They pick their battles - the fewer the better.
The costs of being a Conflict Innovator: None.
The benefits of being a Conflict Innovator: They'll confront
when necessary, so others will know their limitations." Lee Raffel,
I Hate Conflict, (NY: McGraw-Hill, 2008) 83.
10. Our problem is, we don't communicate.
"Research and our combined fifty-plus years of clinical experience show repeatedly that, despite your best intentions, talking about your relationship has more of a chance of making it worse than making it better. And it has nothing to do with your partner’s lack of interest or “poor communication skills.” Patricia Love, Steven Stosny How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It: Finding Love Beyond Words, (NY: Broadway Books, 2007) 1-2.
In fact, connection between the partners is key. While communication is part of how many romantic partners connect, it often is not a crucial part:
"...Believing that you'll be more satisfied in your marriage if your partner improves his or her communication skills is an uninformed and unproductive conclusion." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 20.
11. He or she made me do it.
Victim thinking and a blaming mindset when a person claims someone "made them do" a behavior or action. In this case, MissLed women who make this claim are, in fact, lamely attempting to rationalize their own lack of accountability in their relationship. Action, reaction, and behaviors are a choice. Responsible adults take responsibility for their choices - whether wise or imprudent.
12. Trust is earned.
Evaluating trust is best accomplished BEFORE being committed to a person. Those MissLed women who expect their partners to "earn" their trust misunderstand the fundamental notion of trusting:
"Trust is, in fact, a choice...everyone is untrustworthy to a degree." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 21.
13. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
While it is prudent for any woman to be wary of a man who has been unfaithful in the past, there
is not absolutes regarding cheating. Some men always will cheat; some will cheat only once and learn from their mistakes; others never cheat. Men are people too - they do sometimes evolve after cheating:
"There are people who learn and grow from the painful emotional hurricane and the loss of closeness in the relationship that are the aftermaths of cheating." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries
the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 22.
Indeed, there is hope for reconciliation and renewed closeness if the cheater makes proper amends:
"Along with the remorse, your significant other should be willing to cut off contact with the lover, talk openly with you about what went wrong in the relationship that led to the affair, and possibly even attend counseling. You can come out stronger as a couple after an affair as long as you're willing to talk openly about it-and as long as your partner is truly sorry." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 22.
14. If I have to tell my spouse what pleases me, it's not as special.
First of all, this quote is indicative of MissLed women's belief in the notion of mind reading.
When MissLed women make the mistake of assuming they understand the intentions or thoughts of their partner, they invite misunderstanding and conflict. One too-common example occurs when they
arbitrarily conclude that their partner is reacting negatively to them without checking to see if it is true. This is dangerous:
"Unfortunately, centrifugal forces are at work that can split a relationship - demoralizing disillusionments, labyrinthine misunderstandings, and tortured miscommunications. Love in itself is seldom sturdy enough to resist these divisive forces and their by-products, resentment and rage." Aaron T. Beck, Love is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy, (NY: Harper & Row, 1988)5.
"Misunderstanding is often an ACTIVE PROCESS that results when one spouse develops a distorted picture of the other. This distortion in turn leads to the spouse's misinterpreting what the other says or does and attributing undesirable motives to him or her." Aaron T. Beck, Love is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy, (NY: Harper & Row, 1988) 12.
"When spouses' high expectations are thwarted, they are prone to jump to negative conclusions about the partner's state of mind and the state of marriage. Relying on what amounts to mind reading, the disillusioned spouse jumps to damning conclusions about the cause of the trouble...He's being this way because he's filled with hate." Aaron T. Beck, Love is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy, (NY: Harper & Row, 1988) 15-16.
"Rather than seeing that there is a misunderstanding, conflicting partners misattribute the problem to the mate's "meanness" or "selfishness." Unaware that they are misreading their spouses, partners incorrectly ascribe base motives to them." Aaron T. Beck, Love is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy, (NY: Harper & Row, 1988) 15.
MissLed women's misguided attempts to read their partner's can backfires on them from the resultant inaccurate predictions, :
"Mind reading can produce inaccurate predictions resulting either in unnecessary upset or in what could prove to be a false sense of security. And such erroneous conclusions can lead to even troubles." Aaron T. Beck, Love is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy, (NY: Harper & Row, 1988) 19.
In fact, MissLed women's immature longing to read their mate's mind merely sets them up for frustrations:
"Wishing your mate could read your mind is a setup for frustration for both of you - as is thinking you can read your partner's mind. The alternates to wishing and wondering are saying and asking." Susan Heitler, PH. D., The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong and Loving Marriage, (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1997) 16.
"Waiting for someone to read your mind can be painfully frustrating...It's much easier to be an adult.
Unlike an infant or toddler, you needn't depend on the mind-reading ability of others. You have safer
options. You can say what you want. Guessing your mate's feelings and thoughts creates needless tension, trouble, and confusion. Instead, ask. Say aloud the question in your mind." Susan Heitler, PH. D., The Power of Two: Secrets of a Strong and Loving Marriage, (Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, 1997) 16-17.
In the end, MissLed women's expectations of "special" treatment in a relationships is self-centered and self-defeating:
"Which is more narcissistic: believing I deserve special treatment or expecting my spouse to continuously search for ways to make me feel special...If you nag your spouse, you are parenting...a ruinous mistake." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 22.
15. My spouse will never treat me badly.
Wishful thinking at best; a delusional mindset at worst for any MissLed women who expect to never feel that their spouse has treated them "badly." Of course, one of the challenges is how to define
"bad treatment." Indeed, for some MissLed women, slight insensitivity or brief inattention is "bad treatment." Any absence of "support" or "unconditional love" may trigger feelings in MissLed women that they are being "badly treated." On the other hand, in any relationship, spouses will inevitably treat one another inconsistently. Most often, people are consider and generous, but, at times, even the most loving partner will be inconsiderate and selfish.
16. Love is selfless.
This notion has an undeserved reputation. In fact:
"Love is self-interest. We behave lovingly because it feels good or because we get something we want in return." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 23.
Rather than being proof of MissLed women's selfless concern for their partners, romantic "love" is the epitome of selfishness:
"Romantic love is the most self-centered love of all. Conventional expectations demand that
spouses be cherished, honored and treated like royalty." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 24. (irrational expectations)
17. No matter how I behave, my spouse knows I care.
Yet another case of irrational thinking and wishful thinking. Even more egregiously, such an assumption demonstrates dangerously egocentric thinking. Indeed, in relationships, when MissLed women thinking egocentrically - without a just proportion of thought for the needs of their partner - it often breeds hurt feelings and resentments. Due to egocentric thinking, partner's positions become polarized, frozen in egocentric perspectives, often concluding the other is wrong. And when a MissLed woman is thought to be in the wrong, she's perceived less lovingly:
"Marital satisfaction is like a bear market; your stock is more likely to go down than up." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 25.
18. True love conquers all.
Of course, this is the epitome of irrational and wishful thinking. It it were true, how wonderful life would be! Alas, it is not - and has never been. Such thoughts and hopes in women's heads is a prescription for disappointment and, too often, pointing the finger of blame at whichever man doesn't fulfill her stratospheric hopes.
19. Find your soul mate and marry him or her.
"A soul mate is a special kind of dream come true...In short, a soul mate is your psychological
clone, the one with whom everything is easy because you share beliefs and values, likes and dislikes,
perceptions, instincts, intuitions, dreams, and approaches to daily life...there are no misunderstandings, disagreements, criticisms, or wrongs..." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 26.
Is it any wonder that such an overinflated description, accompanied by expectations that go with it, is a prescription for relationship disappointments, often leading to disillusion with the partner when they quickly fall short of such idealized hopes?
"Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate..." - Atlanta
psychiatrist Frank Pittman, quoted in Great Expectations: The Soul Mate Quest, by Polly Shoman
"http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200403/great-expectations-the-soul-mate-quest
20. Great sex is the key to marital success.
Of course, a satisfying sex life is very beneficial to many relationships. One major challenge facing
couples who want a great sex life together is the glut of information, advice, and counsel - often contradictory. Such information overload makes the challenge of wonderful, mutually-fulfilling sex, that much more daunting:
"Conventional wisdom undermines couples' satisfaction with their sexual relationships, because it is
fraught with misinformation..." Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010) 27.
Not only is misinformation the norm, but there's also confusion over what is meant by "great" or "satisfying" sex. Understandably, MissLed women(who are often ill-equipped in decision making and critical thinking) are especially confounded such a hot button topic. This leaves them particularly prone to wrongheaded thinking and expectations regarding their sex lives.
WHY DOES WRONGHEADED ROMANCE MATTER SO MUCH?
Women's struggles with intimate partnerships are well-documented and frequently discussed.
Are there more pragmatic and optimal beliefs and expectations for MissLed women who want authentic love relationships? Indeed, there are. Better information and advice is available - well-researched and documented books and other media produced by experts in the field. Some have access to caring and wise friends and family members who can provide advice and support. Others are fortunate enough to be able to afford professional counseling and advice. In any case, growing beyond and getting past any past hurts where they misperceive themselves as innocent victims is a good start. Improving upon any insecurities, excessive pride, misplaced guilt, and unrealistic expectations are a critical second step. Sober and frank self-appraisal is absolutely paramount. Everyone has heard that "LOVE IS BLIND," but there is also much truth to the statement that "there is none so blind as those who will not see."
"It is a truism that love is blind; what is less obvious is how much evidence it can ignore."
Margaret Heffernan, Willful Blindness: Why We Ignore the Obvious at Our Peril, (NY: Walker & Company, 2011) 3-4.
"Love is blind, not as in mythology, because Cupid's arrows are random, but because once we are struck by them, we are struck blind. When we love someone, we seem them as smarter, wittier, prettier, stronger than anyone else sees them." Margaret Heffernan, Willful Blindness: Why We Ignore the Obvious at Our Peril, (NY: Walker & Company, 2011) 23.
For those MissLed who refuse face the realities of their MissLed expectations and
beliefs regarding "Romance," confusion, often painfully followed by disillusion with their partner, and, most tragically, dissolution of their marriage.
For those who choose to learn to face reality, however, there is a great, long-term reward.
Authentic, mature love never physically hurts; it emotionally nurtures, heals and protects. MissLed women would be well served to accept the huge difference between what too many now seek - infatuation, unhealthy, and selfish love - and what, for most, is more satisfying - authentic, lasting, companionate love.
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BIBLIOGRAPHY for WRONGHEADED ROMANCE
Christine Arylo, Choosing Me Before We, (Novato, Ca: New World Library, 2009)
Aaron T. Beck, Love is Never Enough: How Couples Can Overcome Misunderstandings, Resolve Conflicts and Solve Relationship Problems Through Cognitive Therapy, (NY: Harper & Row, 1988)
Aaron Ben-Ze'ev, Ruhama Goussinksy, In the Name of Love: Romantic Ideology and Its Victims, (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2008)
Joel D Block, Kimberly Dawn Neumann, The Real Reasons Men Commit, (Avon, MA: Adams Media, 2009)
David M. Buss, The Evolution of Desire, (Basic Books, 2003)
Blaine J. Fowers Ph.D., Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness, (SF, CA: Jossey-Bass, 2004)
Michael Gurian, What Could He Be Thinking?, (NY: St. Martin's Griffin, 2004)
Jonathan Haidt, The Happiness Hypothesis: Finding Modern Truth in Ancient Wisdom,(NY: Basic Books, 2006)
Margaret Heffernan, Willful Blindness: Why We Ignore the Obvious at Our Peril, (NY: Walker & Company, 2011)
Robert A. Johnson, We: Understanding the Psychology of Romantic Love, (NY: Harper Collins, 1983)
James W. Kalat, Michelle N. Shiota, Emotion, (Belmont, CA: Wadsworth Publishing, 2011)
Christine Meincke, Ph.D., Everybody Marries the Wrong Person: Turning Flawed into Fulfilling Relationships, (Far Hills, NJ: New Horizon Press, 2010)
Pamela C. Regan, The Mating Game: A Primer On Love, Sex, and Marriage, (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Productions, 2008)
David Richo, Kathyln Hendricks, How to be an Adult in Relationships, (Boston: Shambala, 2002)
Karen Salmansohn, The Prince Harming Syndrome, (Long Island City, NY: Langensheidt Publishing, 2009)
John Marshall Townsend, What Women Want - What Men Want, (Oxford: Oxford U. Press, 1998)
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